NSFW does anyone else deal with masturbation addiction because of anhedonia?

[eggsausagerice]

​

title. i try to do the things i enjoy but it's really hard to motivate myself to when everything i do seems like a chore. i dont have any real purpose because i don't go to college and i don't have a job. i just end up hating myself and i feel like a loser. i tried to pass the time with casual sex but i'm not attracted to most men (smelly, body hair, usually desperate) and girls don't want to talk to me because i can't drive. i gagged and thought i was gonna puke the last time i tried to have sex with a guy. fucking awesome. my life is very small and empty. i have a cold today so i've been sneezing a lot. writing kind letters to people and giving gifts comes naturally to me but caring about myself or trying to do something nourishing doesn't. i simply don't care. i don't care about my life. i just wish i was dead or i wish i was jerking off, even though i've dealt with the inability to orgasm for most of my life. i feel effectively asexual but jerk off because it's something fun to do. when i have sex (rarely) i tend to dissociate, mostly because i lowered my standards for whoever's having sex with me.

i try to romanticize my addiction sometimes and say it's better than drinking or smoking, but i kind of wish i was drinking or smoking instead so that i could actually talk about it with people. i know that masturbation's just seen as gross or offputting no matter the gender, but being born a woman just seems to make people discount my addiction or say i can't really be addicted if i can't cum from it. there are so many people in my life and people that i'll never get to meet that are better than me. and thinking about it just makes me hate myself and feel depressed. i don't care how meaningless self hate is because no matter how many times you say it's meaningless it's still going to come back because i still hate myself deep down. people try to tell me to focus on what i can do, but in reality i can't really do anything with my situation besides bide my time and pretend that i'm not someone people look down on or see as someone they wouldn't want to be around if i can't drive and i don't have a job.

i keep thinking about going to bars. i just want to be around people. i'm so lonely these days. i'm worried about not having a ride home because i have no one i can invite to drive me. i have games i can play and anime i can watch, but when i have so much free time i just want to jerk off and cease to exist before i have to exist again. i'm too stressed to sleep. i'm too lazy to go outside. i just lay here. i don't want to be by myself anymore, but i'm not able to connect with people enough to be friends with them. people can't even want me for sex because they feel sorry for me when they realize i spend almost all my free time at home.

 

[cylus46]

Im a 21 yr old male and I been struggling with being happy since I was 12 and all the years prior I wasnt ever really happy just distracted with childlike wonders. But I also had a masterbation addiction- honestly I do still beat my big guy a lot but a few things help me-
Working at really anything whether its a (sorry for the slur) job or the gym or a hobby like im very much into vr so I tinker and mod vr products and software for days on end.
Find new vices-
I take weed a lot now and in my research and personal experience way better then using alcohol as a vice tho more expensive (but still great especially if you go down the edible route and not the smoking route, same social benefits less health risk)
But it doesn't have too be drugs, food is there, hobbies can also fit the vice role. Really just anything you can get readdicted too thats either more manageable is possible.
As a college student of psychology I did good research into the fact most addictions are faught by finding another addiction too substitute- one preferably less intrusive too your life and less addicting even.
And new addictions while can be problematic also opens the door for socialization like you mentioned drinking and or smoking.