Venting if i'm not good at something, nobody will love me

[meowpuppy]

title lol i wanna kill myself so baddd. i'm not really good at much other than reading, and i feel like i have to be exceptional in some way otherwise nobody will really love me. it's one thing for regular people, who aren't like me, because they don't need to have any proficiencies to get loved, but that's not the case for me. i'm so abrasive to most people that i simply must have something to offer for me to have a shot at finding love at all, of basically any kind. i was certainly less abrasive a year or two ago, which is why i think i was at least able to find some love, but these days, not only have my views on mh and suicide become far more radical, not only am i more depressed and suicidal, i'm less used to talking to people, and the little experience i have is basically useless now because i don't have the energy to keep up the neediness i displayed.

i don't have anything like this, except maybe for reading books, but even then intelligence is not a super desirable trait, and when it is desired, it's usually to use me as a lapdog or an attack dog. few possibilities, all of which are negative. i get that people can like the intelligence of a partner, but that's not what i'm talking about. i have to bring something to the table for people to consider loving me.. and not just something that already exists that a partner now loves.. i wanna kill myself so so bad i wanna jump off a cliff and end this all. why am i even alive anymore?

 

[Splintered_Shards]

The perpetual thinking about negative thoughts does encourage self harm alright.
Not to sound condescending, just a simple observation as I see it too in myself.

The "table" you're talking about is too big to comprehend, so it's easy to assume you'll never take a seat.

Perhaps looking at the table from afar first may change your perspective to move on from said dining room.

 

[meowpuppy]

The perpetual thinking about negative thoughts does encourage self harm alright.
Not to sound condescending, just a simple observation as I see it too in myself.

The "table" you're talking about is too big to comprehend, so it's easy to assume you'll never take a seat.

Perhaps looking at the table from afar first may change your perspective to move on from said dining room.

unfortunately, it's the only game in town.

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

Why do you think YOU need it but others dont?
I really dont have much time to write right now but i might come back here latter.
You arent inferiour to anyone and you do have something to offer.
The best thing u can offer is yourself and as the other person in a diff post told u some hours ago hidden somewhere there is someone who loves all of your traits and thinks you are perfect just like u are.
The perfection of someone is what the people arround it enjoy the most from that person's traits. Whit this i mean that ther eis no good or bad traits, there is just different publics for each and you just need to find your public.
Also, just a reminder to not start sh

 

[Splintered_Shards]

unfortunately, it's the only game in town.

Don't games get molded? Your own being is affecting the people around you without even realizing it.

If we take that into account, don't raise your skills into self deprecation, but rather to see beyond this filthy game we call "life".

 

[meowpuppy]

Why do you think YOU need it but others dont?

i think i explained it pretty well in the post. i'm abrasive for other reasons, so i need to bring something to the table which the other person appreciates so they can suffer my flaws. i'm reminded of how people of color had to overqualify for jobs if they wanted to get them in the past

I really dont have much time to write right now but i might come back here latter.
You arent inferiour to anyone and you do have something to offer.

i never said i was inferior compared to anybody else.

The best thing u can offer is yourself and as the other person in a diff post told u some hours ago hidden somewhere there is someone who loves all of your traits and thinks you are perfect just like u are.

there might be someone who love all of my traits and thinks i'm perfect just as i am, but, that''s a hypothetical statement, because i'm not in a position to really find out, as i detailed in that other post, i'm just not in an area where such people are common

The perfection of someone is what the people arround it enjoy the most from that person's traits. Whit this i mean that ther eis no good or bad traits, there is just different publics for each and you just need to find your public.
Also, just a reminder to not start sh

i mean this is just a point that i have philosophical contentions with and i know people generally don't like hearing me talk abt that so

i have not started sh

Don't games get molded? Your own being is affecting the people around you without even realizing it.

If we take that into account, don't raise your skills into self deprecation, but rather to see beyond this filthy game we call "life".

i think your analysis of being is too individualistic and also this isn't the right site for a debate on the nature of individuation vs. the forces that construct individuation and how these things can be individuated themselves

 

[Splintered_Shards]

i think i explained it pretty well in the post. i'm abrasive for other reasons, so i need to bring something to the table which the other person appreciates so they can suffer my flaws. i'm reminded of how people of color had to overqualify for jobs if they wanted to get them in the past

i never said i was inferior compared to anybody else.

there might be someone who love all of my traits and thinks i'm perfect just as i am, but, that''s a hypothetical statement, because i'm not in a position to really find out, as i detailed in that other post, i'm just not in an area where such people are common

i mean this is just a point that i have philosophical contentions with and i know people generally don't like hearing me talk abt that so

i have not started sh

i think your analysis of being is too individualistic and also this isn't the right site for a debate on the nature of individuation vs. the forces that construct individuation and how these things can be individuated themselves

There was no debate being made on said subject. Do not make assumptions like that.
Moving past that...

Do you really and honestly see yourself offing of a cliff?
Do you *really* see it as it being *it*?

Being a *monkeh* "illiterate", even *I* can imagine it being *nothing*.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Even now that im pretty good at sewing no one gives a shit about me aniways, they kinda just want to see me sell stupid shit so they can go ''wooowwwwwww he's an artisan, i wish i was an artisan''. Yay i die alone but i uh... have cool clothes, fucking kill me now.

 

[meowpuppy]

Even now that im pretty good at sewing no one gives a shit about me aniways, they kinda just want to see me sell stupid shit so they can go ''wooowwwwwww he's an artisan, i wish i was an artisan''. Yay i die alone but i uh... have cool clothes, fucking kill me now.

so relatable, but i think this won't be exactly the case for me..

 

[post_card]

Do you mind sharing what you read exactly?
I started reading only a year ago... but i am still young ok? 21 is still young!!! (22 this month).
What makes book reading so fun for me, is that i combined reading books with learning languages. So in total I read different books in 3 different languages. It feels tiresome at times but long term it s really rewarding.

 

[meowpuppy]

Do you mind sharing what you read exactly?
I started reading only a year ago... but i am still young ok? 21 is still young!!! (22 this month).
What makes book reading so fun for me, is that i combined reading books with learning languages. So in total I read different books in 3 different languages. It feels tiresome at times but long term it s really rewarding.

i mainly read philosophy!!


i really can't relate. i have these flashes of wanting to learn french so i can read my favourites in the original but the amount of work it'd take.. it took me literally 19 years of learning english, or thereabouts, to understand this work in english, now imagine if i did it in french..

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

i mainly read philosophy!!


i really can't relate. i have these flashes of wanting to learn french so i can read my favourites in the original but the amount of work it'd take.. it took me literally 19 years of learning english, or thereabouts, to understand this work in english, now imagine if i did it in french..

Its thid kinr of distractions i mentioned in your post about sh

 

[meowpuppy]

Its thid kinr of distractions i mentioned in your post about sh

unfortunately me treating philosophy as similar to, like, knitting has only lead to bad things before, so it's not a super great distraction..

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

unfortunately me treating philosophy as similar to, like, knitting has only lead to bad things before, so it's not a super great distraction..

Any distraction is beter than sh
Trust me
I feel it every day deep down in my skin and i cant stop

 

[meowpuppy]

Any distraction is beter than sh
Trust me
I feel it every day deep down in my skin and i cant stop

yeah i feel bad for derailing this thread too.. i'm too chatty once i get to talking, i talk too much, i think that's the problem. i hate how any thread i start just gets derailed

 

[post_card]

What kind of philosophy. do you mind sharing some titles to enlighten the less knowledgable ? maybe i will give them a try, since i havent read a book in english in like at least few months now.
Also learning a language does not take that much time. If you already speak english, learning french is prob a year of constant work (1-2 hours daily) to get to a really decent communicative level. Half way through you could already start reading. really.