Help nobody has loved me as much as i love them!!!! + method feedback needed at end LOL

[lacedup]

HELP NEEDED AT END… just trying to avoid posting a lot.. tw for sa .
most of ny attempts were over boys.
it sounds stupid, typically girl being boy crazy, i suppose. i would do anything for someone to love me as much as i love them. i don't even think it's possible. i would give everything i could for the boy i love at the moment.

my first attempt was in middle school, it was stupid, you can laugh.. children's cough medicine. LOL
i thought it would've worked, i don't know. i heard of people overdosing on medicine so i thought it was the same. he wanted to break up with me, i should've let him. he hit me, sa me, ruined my life. but i loved him so much.
my second attempt was over him again. i jumped off my balcony. also stupid, considering it's just the second story of my house. but i was like 12 or 13
that was my first serious-ish attempt? compared to the others over my stupid need for love.
that boy and i kept going on and off, throughout highschool a bit too. my other stupid embarassment of an attempt was me cutting myself, i thought blood loss would work. he actually got me expelled from my middle school, made stupid threats.
in sophomore year of highschool, this new boyfriend and i were great, but junior year when i was drunk he sexually assaulted me. talked to police, nothing happened. i cut myself and got drunk and took a bunch of depression meds. i've also thrown myself out of a car before. in my defense… i wasn't on sasu!

i'm currently in love with a boy, i think. i know nothing will happen, and i feel so one sided that it physically hurts. i'm not going to ctb strictly over him, i think. i have my other reasons currently. my dream would be to do it together, and we both share similar struggles. but that's unrealistic
— END - read for feedback needed! -

my current plan is hiking up a mountain and jumping. i plan on bringing lots of alc and other drugs, i want to either jump or hang, because i dont want to be able to easily back out once its done. i
know that theres bears where i want to jump, and id do it at night to avoid people. id avoid landing by trails aswell.
i want my body to get eaten afterwards in order to avoid it being found.
this sounds unrealistic, i know.
the mountain is about 5,000 feet. the hike is about 4 miles. i live near huge mountain ranges and i could climb higher. i have experience with climbing/hiking mountains, so thats not a huge worry.

 

[SuicideWebsiteUsern]

i am really sorry you have to go through all of this you have gone through a lot and loneliness can definitely get to one at times
but i feel like you shouldnt be throwing your life away for a guy especially if we look at guys in the past who sexually assaulted you or hit you thats just not worth it
I also feel like the decision to commit suicide shouldnt be an impulsive one I would request you to reconsider since the way you are trying to go out with isnt very ideal either there are better alternatives available
I am sorry if i come across as invalidating thats not my intention and wanting to be loved is totally natural
Also going on a hike and climbing mountains sounds really fun but i hope you would reconsider ending it that way

 

[meowpuppy]

i think your plan will work fine.

i empathize with you about loving people who don't love you back. i don't really have a lot of great advice for this, and my experiences obviously are anything but universal, but i've tried to just not love people, so i don't get hurt. it sounds wrong, but i'm not willing to waste all my love, which is a precious resource i can save for literally anybody or anything else on a random girl.