Venting I wish things were different

[DesperateStruggler]

I would have never imagined I'd end up in a situation where I feel like killing myself but here we are. I have never really had a healthy normal childhood growing up and my teenage years were thrown out of the window as well, I was the quiet ugly social outcast and despite that I still powered through school with all the bullying hoping I can at least secure a good job and live a comfortable life, though I somehow even maneged to screw that up with a plethora of bad decisions after high school, I was left depressed and burnt out, on top of never having been in a relationship, something I had always wanted, I have always either been led on or rejected, I knew this girl for whom I fell hard and to be honest, I still cannot get over her after many years and believe me when I say, nothing worked to cease my obsession, I just have to live with that right now, and it's painful, the loneliness coupled with the fact I fucked my life over academically and financially are too much to handle, I feel like crap from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep and start crying sometimes, nobody really cares, people only see me now as an ugly disappointment.

I feel like I'm better off dead, I even lost faith in God, kept praying my whole life for a change yet things only kept getting worse, I can't cope with religion anymore... hell these past few days I started suspecting I might have Rhabdomyolysis and didn't even bother going to the hospital, I couldn't care less.

 

[Lebensunwertes]

This will do little to comfort you, but I can relate. The saddest and most damaging thing about this situation is that nobody really can understand what it's like besides some scarce strangers on the Internet. Usually people that find themselves with no history of relationships or any intimacy whatsoever are walking train wrecks or people that have built their (mostly online) presence around that status. I don't claim that it has alone driven me to the situation in which I am currently, but it's definitely one of the more sizeable building blocks of my gallows.

"It'll keep getting worse. An agonizing bitterness will fill your heart. There's no redemption. No release. That's how it is."

 

[FuneralCry]

It is sad how so many of us live lives filled with suffering. I'm sorry that you have to endure so much agony. Life is just so disappointing and cruel. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your pain.

 

[toasterbath]

Yeah never would I have thought that my life would reach the point where I'd be buying a bag of poisonous salt online and spending the rest of my days contemplating when to use it. I fucked up my life academically and financially too. I blame the mix of trauma, abuse, dysfunctional family and COVID but at the end of the day I think I am just too weak minded, mentally ill, and stupid for this world. Physically I am fucked too with weird conditions developing. Even my eye sight is deteriorating so bad. If I wasn't born in this era natural selection would have already taken my ass a long time ago.

 

[eternalflame]

We all do.