Help need some perspective

[c4di]

im 19, haven't graduated highschool yet. I've been depressed for 6 years (i think? that's the time i noticed symptoms of it but i dont actually know when it started as i cant access a professional diagnosis), started being actively suicidal 2 years ago. since i developed depression i was always suicidal, i already lived in an awful environment and had almost nothing to live for, honestly dont remember what i thought of it at the time or how i kept going, things were arguably way worse than now but i kept living normally somehow, i was just numb to everything and kept denying any mental issues i noticed within myself. whenever i thought of actually committing suicide i just laughed it off and told myself that I'd never be able to do something like that, especially since i firmly believed that things couldn't get any worse, that i could just keep ignoring everything until i get into college and leave that shithole, but i ended up dropping out of school 2023. i won't go into detail why i did since it isn't important anymore, but it wasn't my choice so it really destroyed me when i thought i couldn't continue my education.

since that time all i did was spiral more into my depression, it was already bad but at least i had some will to live, when i no longer did i lost motivation to do anything, i dropped all my hobbies and interests, cut off my friends, stopped caring for myself, started self harming more often, etc. the only thing that was on my mind 24/7 was how fucked up my life was and that i should die, it's like i stopped knowing how to be human.

nothing really changed from that point, I've been living the exact same day for 3 years, but a month ago i realised i could still go to college if i worked hard, i could graduate highschool either next year or in 2028 depending on my current level then try applying for scholarships if i managed to get a good profile, but is it really worth it? yeah my current life is horrible, i hate living with my fucked up family but leaving won't guarantee a good life (if i could do all that to begin with), I'd still be depressed, that's not just gonna go away, i can't feel happy about anything, i can't stop thinking about how badly everything went, i dont want to live with the memory of all this, how can i be ok after everything? not to mention the amount of work I'd have to do, that just doesn't seem like a comfortable life. i just want a break, nothing comforts me except sleeping. while i always wanted to have a normal life like that, its not like I'll get any of that for sure even after trying, i just think it's better for me to die now. i can't stand anyone i live with, i cant handle the thought of living with them for two more years, im so tired, i dont think im able to do anything anymore, just getting up to eat something is hard enough for me.
i really dont know what to do anymore, so please tell me what you would do if you were in my place.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I think that if you have something you look forward to, like college, then you should pursue it.

 

[stillbelow]

hello. im 18, and i also haven't graduated high school. i relate to a lot of what you wrote. ive been depressed for such a long time, i dont really remember what life was like before. i think ive always had this deep existential sadness within me and self-loathing that has grown and grown. when people on here or even irl talk about a young persons si, they sort of disregard our feelings and instead say something like "you're too young to know what its like" or "you dont have enough experience to decide your life" im sure youve gotten something like that. it makes me feel like an outcast or kind of like a burden, you know?

i guess im trying to let you know that theres someone else out there kind of like you. you asked for advice and mentioned college. Ive think that if you truly want to pursue college, you should work towards it. looking forward to something considerably helps me and maybe it can for you too. is there anything else you can look forward to? for me, its going to concerts and the thought of eventually moving out of my fuckass parents house. getting a nice apartment and even adopting a dog. finding things to look forward to helps me get out of my own head and i think you would benefit from it. also tattoos! when i die, trust im going to be covered in sentimental and also silly tats.

i dont think i can pm yet since i might not have the required posts/replies, but please dont hesitate to try and pm me or reply to this if you want to vent. although it sucks for young people to be on here, i have to admit that im kind of relieved someone else on here is around my age, i felt so young

 

[c4di]

hello. im 18, and i also haven't graduated high school. i relate to a lot of what you wrote. ive been depressed for such a long time, i dont really remember what life was like before. i think ive always had this deep existential sadness within me and self-loathing that has grown and grown. when people on here or even irl talk about a young persons si, they sort of disregard our feelings and instead say something like "you're too young to know what its like" or "you dont have enough experience to decide your life" im sure youve gotten something like that. it makes me feel like an outcast or kind of like a burden, you know?

i guess im trying to let you know that theres someone else out there kind of like you. you asked for advice and mentioned college. Ive think that if you truly want to pursue college, you should work towards it. looking forward to something considerably helps me and maybe it can for you too. is there anything else you can look forward to? for me, its going to concerts and the thought of eventually moving out of my fuckass parents house. getting a nice apartment and even adopting a dog. finding things to look forward to helps me get out of my own head and i think you would benefit from it. also tattoos! when i die, trust im going to be covered in sentimental and also silly tats.

i dont think i can pm yet since i might not have the required posts/replies, but please dont hesitate to try and pm me or reply to this if you want to vent. although it sucks for young people to be on here, i have to admit that im kind of relieved someone else on here is around my age, i felt so young

hi, didn't think id find someone like me here, i always kinda thought my life is too much of a mess but it makes me feel better to know im not completely alone. i think I've also been depressed ever since i was a child, but i don't remember much from back then so i can't really tell. but I've always thought that my life is inherently worthless and that im less than others, just this deep rooted hatred for myself for no clear reason, it makes me ashamed that i even exist. and yes I've also experienced what you're talking about, i hate that people often just look at our age then think it's fair to disregard everything we talk about as exaggeration, especially since most of my problems have nothing to do with my age.

and im honestly not sure if college is something i look forward to, i used to have dreams very similar to yours, move out, get a nice apartment, get a pet, have enough freedom to do whatever i wanted, but i dont know if i want any of that anymore, like i said in my post i stopped looking forward to anything a while ago, the thought of being anything other than dead seems silly to me now, but i think it's just because I've been inside my own head too long. im not sure if im in the right mindset to differentiate between what i actually want and my depression, that's why i said i needed outside perspective.