Venting Ill never be good enough as a man.

[cylus46]

I feel so empty, yet at the same time so filled with rage and sadness. Im a 21 year old male whos put so much work into trying to be happy, I went from an 18 year old who was 5'11 96lbs twig- too 21 year old 5'11 155lbs of pure muscle. I got a good paying job, I go to school, I do skin care and grew my hair out and I pay over 100$ for a professional stylist to cut it. I help people i always have, in school people called me their therapist...i even saved people from suicide themselves, im also a volunteer fireman, i like to feed stray cats, i keep money in my car to help the homeless because i was homeless once, im a good person and I thought all my efforts into fixing my appearance and being a "hot good man" will fix me...fill this void in me, this deep void of anger and hatred and sadness and self loathing. And it does...temporarily. I have money, the looks, the kindness. Yet even so my first ex said i wasn't enough for her, I got cheated on by my second ex with 8 guys, my friends all moved on from me and make me a afterthought, my mom a emotionless robot whos overworked, my siblings are autistic and disabled, my dad a bum who I dont even live with. Im alone, im still ugly, im still not good enough and never will be. I hate my body, I worked on it for 3 years just to still look ugly. Everyone says i look good, jacked, hot, sexy whatever the word is but...im still ugly enough for people to leave me, cheat on me, too not want me. It'll never be good enough, i will never be good enough. Im alone... and that loneliness makes me want to hate everyone else and hurt myself. Yet I dont, I still care for things and I still deep down want to be a good man. But im tired...I dont have it in me anymore.
One day....
One day will be my end.
And maybe I deserve it. Im a failure of a man and everyone apparently knows it thats why they leave.
Everyone leaves.
No one cares about me so why should I.

 

[SASU-KE]

Just trying that hard alone makes you special.Deep down, you felt like you were worth it to put in all that effort and work on yourself.

Keep working on your health, career, finances.Don't expect to be surrounded by a lot of people who care for you or love you. You can only expect few people like that at the most in my experience. Most people are fair weather friends. I'm lucky enough to be blessed with one IRL friend who will always be by my side.

Keep doing what you're doing. You will eventually meet some good people.

 

[cylus46]

Just trying that hard alone makes you special.Deep down, you felt like you were worth it to put in all that effort and work on yourself.

Keep working on your health, career, finances.Don't expect to be surrounded by a lot of people who care for you or love you. You can only expect few people like that at the most in my experience. Most people are fair weather friends. I'm lucky enough to be blessed with one IRL friend who will always be by my side.

Keep doing what you're doing. You will eventually meet some good people.

I just never had that. In 21 years I never had someone like that. I dont think I ever will. Im running on fumes and I dont have the strength to keep it up. No one wants me at my best no one will want me when I finally give up.