i wish i was normal

[Yuja]

i've never really been close to anyone in my life. sure, i guess i had friends during school but that was it. eventually i was alone again. ive always felt like i was the weird one among normal people. i still can't pinpoint the exact reason people don't approach me but i guess it could be a combination of me being below average looking, socially inept, awkward, or just plain old boring. not that many people have ever really tried getting close to me and if they do, it's out of pity. it's so obvious when someone approaches you out of pity and i feel so embarrassed when it happens because i know everyone else knows that it's out of pity. after thinking about it for a while, the only reasons i havent ctb'd yet is because of my younger brother who i love so so much i love him so much, my father who has always been there for me and laughed with me, and my somewhat passion for my studies. that's it. it just hurts so much whenever i realize how alone i am that i wish i could be normal and have friends.

I go to a relatively small school which doesn't help the fact that people have seen me or at least recognize me but never approach me. i guess i'm just weird.

i remember vividly how my mother, after having abandoned me and my brother, called my dad a couple of months after the fact. my dad wasn't willing to return us (messy divorce) but i remember when my mother said "i can take care of the younger brother". not me. it hurt so much when i realized she doesn't truly love me. my own mother abandoned me and chose my brother over me. not even my mother loves me. in fact, my whole family prefers my brother over me. even i prefer my brother over me. he's so sweet, kind, and sensical. i'm clumsy, foolish, slow, retarded, ugly, mediocre, and even the only thing im okay at (academics) i'm not really that good at.

it hurts to be alone and to not be loved. i know my father doesn't hate me but he's the only one. i guess i'm just being selfish because, unlike other people, at least i know i have my brother and my dad. but after i moved abroad, i've felt so liberated but... so alone at the same time. nobody here loves me. i hate it but i also prefer this over living back at home where i'm verbally abused by my family every day.

i wish i was normal. i wish i could make friends. i wish i wasn't socially inept.

 

[tonicer]

I also wish i was normal. When i see videos of a group of guys just having fun and doing crazy stuff i wish i had such group of friends. I also had friends via school. I switched schools a lot but at each school i had one or sometimes even two friends but we all drifted apart when they got jobs or girlfriends or even wives and kids. Now i am alone for a couple of years and i feel my time coming. I am only still alive because of my mother who i love and she loves me. I wish she wasn't almost 80 and sick. Without her i have no purpose. Be thankful that you have two people who love you. My brother who is 9 years older than me (43) hates me and my father (87) thinks very lowly of me because i can't get a single job even though i studied (Computer Science) my entire life. My guess is that they don't hire ugly people like me who creep out the women working in those companies. An all men workplace would be awesome but those are rare in the IT field.

 

[Yuja]

I also wish i was normal. When i see videos of a group of guys just having fun and doing crazy stuff i wish i had such group of friends. I also had friends via school. I switched schools a lot but at each school i had one or sometimes even two friends but we all drifted apart when they got jobs or girlfriends or even wives and kids. Now i am alone for a couple of years and i feel my time coming. I am only still alive because of my mother who i love and she loves me. I wish she wasn't almost 80 and sick. Without her i have no purpose. Be thankful that you have two people who love you. My brother who is 9 years older than me (43) hates me and my father (87) thinks very lowly of me because i can't get a single job even though i studied (Computer Science) my entire life. My guess is that they don't hire ugly people like me who creep out the women working in those companies. An all men workplace would be awesome but those are rare in the IT field.

i'm so sorry to hear that. i am and will always be eternally grateful for what i have. my dad is on the older side so by the time im in my mid 20s / early 30s he will be around the same age as your mother. I know this sounds childish but whenever i think about the day my father passes away, I can't help but cry. i don't want to lose him. most of my family despises me. they think of me as a clumsy fool who can't do anything right and always needs help. at first i though that they just didn't know me enough but eventually i realized that i am that worthless. or at least i perceive myself as that useless.

i hope you find a job though. your job status shouldn't determine your self worth but i understand where you come from. again, sorry to hear about what you're going through and i wish you the best in life

 

[sleazyyyy]

i've never really been close to anyone in my life. sure, i guess i had friends during school but that was it. eventually i was alone again. ive always felt like i was the weird one among normal people. i still can't pinpoint the exact reason people don't approach me but i guess it could be a combination of me being below average looking, socially inept, awkward, or just plain old boring. not that many people have ever really tried getting close to me and if they do, it's out of pity. it's so obvious when someone approaches you out of pity and i feel so embarrassed when it happens because i know everyone else knows that it's out of pity. after thinking about it for a while, the only reasons i havent ctb'd yet is because of my younger brother who i love so so much i love him so much, my father who has always been there for me and laughed with me, and my somewhat passion for my studies. that's it. it just hurts so much whenever i realize how alone i am that i wish i could be normal and have friends.

I go to a relatively small school which doesn't help the fact that people have seen me or at least recognize me but never approach me. i guess i'm just weird.

i remember vividly how my mother, after having abandoned me and my brother, called my dad a couple of months after the fact. my dad wasn't willing to return us (messy divorce) but i remember when my mother said "i can take care of the younger brother". not me. it hurt so much when i realized she doesn't truly love me. my own mother abandoned me and chose my brother over me. not even my mother loves me. in fact, my whole family prefers my brother over me. even i prefer my brother over me. he's so sweet, kind, and sensical. i'm clumsy, foolish, slow, retarded, ugly, mediocre, and even the only thing im okay at (academics) i'm not really that good at.

it hurts to be alone and to not be loved. i know my father doesn't hate me but he's the only one. i guess i'm just being selfish because, unlike other people, at least i know i have my brother and my dad. but after i moved abroad, i've felt so liberated but... so alone at the same time. nobody here loves me. i hate it but i also prefer this over living back at home where i'm verbally abused by my family every day.

i wish i was normal. i wish i could make friends. i wish i wasn't socially inept.

I do not think you are strange in the way you believe you are. I think you are someone who spent so long standing outside the warmth of other people that loneliness eventually became part of your identity.

But I do not think unloved people speak about their brother with such tenderness. I do not think hollow people survive abandonment and still remain capable of loving others gently like you. The pain your mother caused you was never proof that you were unworthy — only proof that children carry wounds adults leave behind for far too long.

I relate deeply with how you feel. You keep calling yourself abnormal, but nothing about wanting to be loved is abnormal. Nothing about wishing for friendship makes you weak. I think you are just deeply wounded and painfully alone, and after enough years of that, anyone would begin mistaking loneliness for who they are.

And maybe one day, if you stay long enough to see it, you will meet people who make you feel less alone. I hope you can look back at past self in the future and think of yourself with such gentleness. I hope you survive enough to get the friends who makes you feel less alone or long enough to see the peace and happiness you deserve.

 

[tonicer]

i'm so sorry to hear that. i am and will always be eternally grateful for what i have. my dad is on the older side so by the time im in my mid 20s / early 30s he will be around the same age as your mother. I know this sounds childish but whenever i think about the day my father passes away, I can't help but cry. i don't want to lose him. most of my family despises me. they think of me as a clumsy fool who can't do anything right and always needs help. at first i though that they just didn't know me enough but eventually i realized that i am that worthless. or at least i perceive myself as that useless.

i hope you find a job though. your job status shouldn't determine your self worth but i understand where you come from. again, sorry to hear about what you're going through and i wish you the best in life

I'm also the one seen as clumsy in my family and my older brother always gets to do the things that require more skill even though it's stuff i could easily do. I also cry when i think about the day my mother dies. Each morning when i wake up and she not up yet i feel terrible but when i hear her opening her bedroom door i feel so relieved that she's still alive.

I wish you the best too and thanks for your well wishes. :)

 

[Yuja]

I do not think you are strange in the way you believe you are. I think you are someone who spent so long standing outside the warmth of other people that loneliness eventually became part of your identity.

But I do not think unloved people speak about their brother with such tenderness. I do not think hollow people survive abandonment and still remain capable of loving others gently like you. The pain your mother caused you was never proof that you were unworthy — only proof that children carry wounds adults leave behind for far too long.

I relate deeply with how you feel. You keep calling yourself abnormal, but nothing about wanting to be loved is abnormal. Nothing about wishing for friendship makes you weak. I think you are just deeply wounded and painfully alone, and after enough years of that, anyone would begin mistaking loneliness for who they are.

And maybe one day, if you stay long enough to see it, you will meet people who make you feel less alone. I hope you can look back at past self in the future and think of yourself with such gentleness. I hope you survive enough to get the friends who makes you feel less alone or long enough to see the peace and happiness you deserve.

how can you be so kind. i didn't know how much i needed to hear something like this. i guess i cry often but i've never cried so much faster than after reading that first paragraph. i keep re reading and the tears keep coming back. nobody in my life has ever uttered such kind words towards me. nobody has ever expressed empathy of such depths to me. i can't thank you enough for this message. i hope i can talk with such grace if i ever have the opportunity to comfort someone else.

my ideation has had it's fair share of ups and downs but lately it had spiked dramatically due to my chronic loneliness. that's why i decided to come back to this forum after having left it years ago. i also hope i can stay a bit longer so that i can really find that someone or those people.

thank you. you don't understand how much this means to me. i will come back to this message whenever i feel as though i cannot go any further. thank you. you're so nice.

I'm also the one seen as clumsy in my family and my older brother always gets to do the things that require more skill even though it's stuff i could easily do. I also cry when i think about the day my mother dies. Each morning when i wake up and she not up yet i feel terrible but when i hear her opening her bedroom door i feel so relieved that she's still alive.

I wish you the best too and thanks for your well wishes. :)

i hope for the best for the both of us :)