Venting I realized just how meaningless life truly is

[voidreverse1982]

I've been going through passive suicidal ideation ever since I was around 15 years old, and now I'm 20. Before then, I was too young to see all the negative side effects of life. Too distracted with gaming and such stuff. But then I slowly started losing interest in games. First I lost interest in GTA5, which I had been playing since around 2016. Then I lost interest on Terraria. Then minecraft. And then rocket league. And didn't find any new games to have fun with. Only thing remaining was Roblox. And there was one particular Roblox game (which I ain't going to mention to keep my anonymity, because otherwise people would find out who I am, as I am currently the top 1 of that game), which I started playing since late 2021. It is an incredibly repeatitive game, which you have to keep repeating exactly the same actions every 20 seconds. It was so repetitive, that I needed to listen to music, chat on discord, or watch youtube in order to keep myself entertained enough to keep playing that game. And yet, I still kept playing it while multitasking by watching youtube videos and stuff. And, thanks to all this entertainment, only now I have actually lost interest in that game. Realizing just how many thousands of hours I have spent in such an useless thing; grinding simple stats, numbers, in a Roblox game. And now I really don't know what to do with my life. Nearly nothing gives me as much joy as it used to give. And life has only been getting harder and harder the further I get into adulthood. I recently graduated from school and now I began an apprenticeship. And oh boy, the exams are even harder now. And it made me realize just how useless they are; it is exhausting to keep remembering useless information just because of an upcoming exam, just to meaninglessly forget about all of it right after the exam.. when you will pretty much never use that information in your job field nor in your life like, ever.. it all feels so meaningless.. not just exams, but reality itself.. I do believe that everything in life, including earth itself, is absolutely meaningless. We truly don't have any purpose here. Why do we even exist in the first place? We don't have a reason. Contrary to pro-lifers' belief, life clearly offers much more suffering, responsibilities, burdens and pain than any perceived "joy" and "happiness" could ever outweigh. But I do find it weird how those pro-lifers managed to keep living life without ever collapsing, and managed to live life meaninglessly until the day their body literally rotted, dying of old age. I wonder if they truly are insane enough, or if it is me just being pathetic and weak as always, not being able to live life like others easily can. But I don't think I am that weak. I simply think the world is not designed for someone like me. I haven't even choosen to be born in the first place, and I really wish I never existed. Specially since I somehow managed to endure five years of constant suffering. But I don't know how much longer I can hold onto life. I've given it endless amount of chances, yet it keeps disappointing me in every possible way. But I really can't bring myself to have enough courage to end my life. I'd feel a lot of pain at least in the first few seconds in pretty much every method. And my family would be incredibly devastated, because humans, as selfish as they are, only start actually caring about someone once they are gone. But they don't currently, since I'm still with them. And also, no method is 100% guaranteed to cause death, there's always a chance I may survive, and if I do, oh boy, my life would become even worse than it already is. So, I guess I'm just stuck in this body at least until I eventually reach my breaking point, where my insanity will outweigh any fear I may have. Though I don't think that will happen anytime soon, unfortunatelly.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I agree. Imo in life the bad far outweighs any good.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as more than anything I wish I never suffered in this existence, to me existing will always feel like meaningless, unnecessary suffering all for the sake of it where all will inevitably be forgotten about in death, personally I'll always see it as a burden to exist at all. But anyway I wish you the best, I also see myself as not being meant for existing and under no circumstances would I wish to suffer until old age.

 

[L'absent]

Well yes... this life screwed us over. He taught you to wait for a world never created.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

This is so real. It's always so interesting to me to see a roblox player acknowledge truths about life as I'm also a roblox player (or at least I used to be but I haven't played in ages due to the constant demands of university and life). Life has no function or value. It's all pointless as well as harmful. All I want is to be dead so that I don't have to suffer again but unfortunately death is taking too long to arrive for me and I can't access a suicide method. I'm sorry for your suffering and I hope you find peace soon somehow

 

[Fritz]

Watching my aging parents slowly die in a nursing home, I realize that IMO there's no point. Eat, sleep, fill your diaper, rinse and repeat. Pointless

 

[exhumed101]

I've been going through passive suicidal ideation ever since I was around 15 years old, and now I'm 20. Before then, I was too young to see all the negative side effects of life. Too distracted with gaming and such stuff. But then I slowly started losing interest in games. First I lost interest in GTA5, which I had been playing since around 2016. Then I lost interest on Terraria. Then minecraft. And then rocket league. And didn't find any new games to have fun with. Only thing remaining was Roblox. And there was one particular Roblox game (which I ain't going to mention to keep my anonymity, because otherwise people would find out who I am, as I am currently the top 1 of that game), which I started playing since late 2021. It is an incredibly repeatitive game, which you have to keep repeating exactly the same actions every 20 seconds. It was so repetitive, that I needed to listen to music, chat on discord, or watch youtube in order to keep myself entertained enough to keep playing that game. And yet, I still kept playing it while multitasking by watching youtube videos and stuff. And, thanks to all this entertainment, only now I have actually lost interest in that game. Realizing just how many thousands of hours I have spent in such an useless thing; grinding simple stats, numbers, in a Roblox game. And now I really don't know what to do with my life. Nearly nothing gives me as much joy as it used to give. And life has only been getting harder and harder the further I get into adulthood. I recently graduated from school and now I began an apprenticeship. And oh boy, the exams are even harder now. And it made me realize just how useless they are; it is exhausting to keep remembering useless information just because of an upcoming exam, just to meaninglessly forget about all of it right after the exam.. when you will pretty much never use that information in your job field nor in your life like, ever.. it all feels so meaningless.. not just exams, but reality itself.. I do believe that everything in life, including earth itself, is absolutely meaningless. We truly don't have any purpose here. Why do we even exist in the first place? We don't have a reason. Contrary to pro-lifers' belief, life clearly offers much more suffering, responsibilities, burdens and pain than any perceived "joy" and "happiness" could ever outweigh. But I do find it weird how those pro-lifers managed to keep living life without ever collapsing, and managed to live life meaninglessly until the day their body literally rotted, dying of old age. I wonder if they truly are insane enough, or if it is me just being pathetic and weak as always, not being able to live life like others easily can. But I don't think I am that weak. I simply think the world is not designed for someone like me. I haven't even choosen to be born in the first place, and I really wish I never existed. Specially since I somehow managed to endure five years of constant suffering. But I don't know how much longer I can hold onto life. I've given it endless amount of chances, yet it keeps disappointing me in every possible way. But I really can't bring myself to have enough courage to end my life. I'd feel a lot of pain at least in the first few seconds in pretty much every method. And my family would be incredibly devastated, because humans, as selfish as they are, only start actually caring about someone once they are gone. But they don't currently, since I'm still with them. And also, no method is 100% guaranteed to cause death, there's always a chance I may survive, and if I do, oh boy, my life would become even worse than it already is. So, I guess I'm just stuck in this body at least until I eventually reach my breaking point, where my insanity will outweigh any fear I may have. Though I don't think that will happen anytime soon, unfortunatelly.

I agree

 

[exhumed101]

I've been going through passive suicidal ideation ever since I was around 15 years old, and now I'm 20. Before then, I was too young to see all the negative side effects of life. Too distracted with gaming and such stuff. But then I slowly started losing interest in games. First I lost interest in GTA5, which I had been playing since around 2016. Then I lost interest on Terraria. Then minecraft. And then rocket league. And didn't find any new games to have fun with. Only thing remaining was Roblox. And there was one particular Roblox game (which I ain't going to mention to keep my anonymity, because otherwise people would find out who I am, as I am currently the top 1 of that game), which I started playing since late 2021. It is an incredibly repeatitive game, which you have to keep repeating exactly the same actions every 20 seconds. It was so repetitive, that I needed to listen to music, chat on discord, or watch youtube in order to keep myself entertained enough to keep playing that game. And yet, I still kept playing it while multitasking by watching youtube videos and stuff. And, thanks to all this entertainment, only now I have actually lost interest in that game. Realizing just how many thousands of hours I have spent in such an useless thing; grinding simple stats, numbers, in a Roblox game. And now I really don't know what to do with my life. Nearly nothing gives me as much joy as it used to give. And life has only been getting harder and harder the further I get into adulthood. I recently graduated from school and now I began an apprenticeship. And oh boy, the exams are even harder now. And it made me realize just how useless they are; it is exhausting to keep remembering useless information just because of an upcoming exam, just to meaninglessly forget about all of it right after the exam.. when you will pretty much never use that information in your job field nor in your life like, ever.. it all feels so meaningless.. not just exams, but reality itself.. I do believe that everything in life, including earth itself, is absolutely meaningless. We truly don't have any purpose here. Why do we even exist in the first place? We don't have a reason. Contrary to pro-lifers' belief, life clearly offers much more suffering, responsibilities, burdens and pain than any perceived "joy" and "happiness" could ever outweigh. But I do find it weird how those pro-lifers managed to keep living life without ever collapsing, and managed to live life meaninglessly until the day their body literally rotted, dying of old age. I wonder if they truly are insane enough, or if it is me just being pathetic and weak as always, not being able to live life like others easily can. But I don't think I am that weak. I simply think the world is not designed for someone like me. I haven't even choosen to be born in the first place, and I really wish I never existed. Specially since I somehow managed to endure five years of constant suffering. But I don't know how much longer I can hold onto life. I've given it endless amount of chances, yet it keeps disappointing me in every possible way. But I really can't bring myself to have enough courage to end my life. I'd feel a lot of pain at least in the first few seconds in pretty much every method. And my family would be incredibly devastated, because humans, as selfish as they are, only start actually caring about someone once they are gone. But they don't currently, since I'm still with them. And also, no method is 100% guaranteed to cause death, there's always a chance I may survive, and if I do, oh boy, my life would become even worse than it already is. So, I guess I'm just stuck in this body at least until I eventually reach my breaking point, where my insanity will outweigh any fear I may have. Though I don't think that will happen anytime soon, unfortunatelly.

Dying young is the best, I don't want to die old.

 

[cammanozima]

I've been going through passive suicidal ideation ever since I was around 15 years old, and now I'm 20. Before then, I was too young to see all the negative side effects of life. Too distracted with gaming and such stuff. But then I slowly started losing interest in games. First I lost interest in GTA5, which I had been playing since around 2016. Then I lost interest on Terraria. Then minecraft. And then rocket league. And didn't find any new games to have fun with. Only thing remaining was Roblox. And there was one particular Roblox game (which I ain't going to mention to keep my anonymity, because otherwise people would find out who I am, as I am currently the top 1 of that game), which I started playing since late 2021. It is an incredibly repeatitive game, which you have to keep repeating exactly the same actions every 20 seconds. It was so repetitive, that I needed to listen to music, chat on discord, or watch youtube in order to keep myself entertained enough to keep playing that game. And yet, I still kept playing it while multitasking by watching youtube videos and stuff. And, thanks to all this entertainment, only now I have actually lost interest in that game. Realizing just how many thousands of hours I have spent in such an useless thing; grinding simple stats, numbers, in a Roblox game. And now I really don't know what to do with my life. Nearly nothing gives me as much joy as it used to give. And life has only been getting harder and harder the further I get into adulthood. I recently graduated from school and now I began an apprenticeship. And oh boy, the exams are even harder now. And it made me realize just how useless they are; it is exhausting to keep remembering useless information just because of an upcoming exam, just to meaninglessly forget about all of it right after the exam.. when you will pretty much never use that information in your job field nor in your life like, ever.. it all feels so meaningless.. not just exams, but reality itself.. I do believe that everything in life, including earth itself, is absolutely meaningless. We truly don't have any purpose here. Why do we even exist in the first place? We don't have a reason. Contrary to pro-lifers' belief, life clearly offers much more suffering, responsibilities, burdens and pain than any perceived "joy" and "happiness" could ever outweigh. But I do find it weird how those pro-lifers managed to keep living life without ever collapsing, and managed to live life meaninglessly until the day their body literally rotted, dying of old age. I wonder if they truly are insane enough, or if it is me just being pathetic and weak as always, not being able to live life like others easily can. But I don't think I am that weak. I simply think the world is not designed for someone like me. I haven't even choosen to be born in the first place, and I really wish I never existed. Specially since I somehow managed to endure five years of constant suffering. But I don't know how much longer I can hold onto life. I've given it endless amount of chances, yet it keeps disappointing me in every possible way. But I really can't bring myself to have enough courage to end my life. I'd feel a lot of pain at least in the first few seconds in pretty much every method. And my family would be incredibly devastated, because humans, as selfish as they are, only start actually caring about someone once they are gone. But they don't currently, since I'm still with them. And also, no method is 100% guaranteed to cause death, there's always a chance I may survive, and if I do, oh boy, my life would become even worse than it already is. So, I guess I'm just stuck in this body at least until I eventually reach my breaking point, where my insanity will outweigh any fear I may have. Though I don't think that will happen anytime soon, unfortunatelly.

Do u have any medical history?if so why dont you start living healthy life and seek a doctor and try remote job if you jobless ,you just need this thing in my opinion to feel good again.The rest just an oppurtunity.

Its very hard to live as human,our body are a construct complex chemical that can response in milliseconds.

It kinda obvious that we as human have complex way of live too.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Our upbringings are a bit similar, except after 15, I kept seeing myself being forced into mental institutions and didn't want to admit life was bad. I always was aware of it deep down. The thing that rubs me the wrong way is just how once your 12, you aren't able to see the beauty of life from the point on, as I was deeply interested in games as a young girl with sister with movies but my studies was always a focus, but I wasn't interested. I was depressed without realizing it and the moment I turned 18, it changed my life and I truly began the affects of suicidal ideation and depression and anxiety more than I ever had and it was always bad from there, apart from being born into a stupid family. Life in this world was always hell. It's just people silence us from a young age to admit it, and I had distractions but not for long and I was made to suffer for three years from the age of 18. I just recently turned 21 but the affects are still there as I was always timid and shy and to myself. I really wish I killed myself in the womb and aborted from being in this god damn world. It's a nutcase

Edit: typo on age

 

[Andrew10]

Man, it seems as if it was me who wrote this, we are even the same age, I have almost identical experiences that match what you have told with the only difference being that I am working, my perspective and our way of thinking based on this post matches too much, in fact it is almost too identical. The only difference is that I am fighting against this barrier of fear as if it were a final boss to be able to finally ctb, but a small detail does not take away the rest, our way of thinking is the same, you even expressed yourself in this post in the same way I would say it. Wherever you are man, I send you a big hug, lots of encouragement and good luck on your way. Whatever your decision is, stay strong my guy.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Watching my aging parents slowly die in a nursing home, I realize that IMO there's no point. Eat, sleep, fill your diaper, rinse and repeat. Pointless

Crazy that humans keep procreating as if this type of inevitable fate is a good thing.

 

[Electra]

If life is pointless - you can give it any meaning. Sometimes there's more solace in knowing there's no meaning at all. That feels like a warm blanket. All the guilt and pain - it goes away. If nothing gives meaning, if nothing matters. Is that freedom? Or is it the opposite?

 

[divinemistress36]

If life is pointless - you can give it any meaning. Sometimes there's more solace in knowing there's no meaning at all. That feels like a warm blanket. All the guilt and pain - it goes away. If nothing gives meaning, if nothing matters. Is that freedom? Or is it the opposite?

Sometimes there is freedom in realizing life is meaningless puts less pressure on oneself

 

[Fritz]

Sometimes there is freedom in realizing life is meaningless puts less pressure on oneself

I agree. In a strange way it does give some solace once you realize that it's pointless.

Crazy that humans keep procreating as if this type of inevitable fate is a good thing.

I always found it odd that, as responsible pet owners, we put our pets to sleep when the time comes yet prolong human life at all cost.

 

[niki wonoto]

Nihilism philosophy, which is surprisingly getting more & more popular & 'hyped' nowadays, states that life is meaningless. I'd agree with it. In the grand scheme of things, especially in the cosmic scale, we're just nothing, really. We're just a speck of dust (perhaps even less!) in the universe (& existence). Life is absurd, but not even in the 'positive/optimistic/hopeful' way that absurdism philosophy (Camus' myth of Sissyphus) is still trying to do. It's actually depressing, when I think deeply about it. The law of entropy is probably also one of the most depressing fact about life & existence: that nothing lasts forever, & everything will eventually just die out. So it's all just pointless, really! Also, for me personally, it's the 'reality .vs. imagination' dilemma that have sent me deep into an existential depression for ten years or even more! Human's consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution (my favorite quote from True Detective series). It's all just stupid, ridiculous, unnecessary, chaotic, unfair, & pointless/meaningless, really.

 

[JobuLio111m]

"Crazy that humans keep procreating as if this type of inevitable fate is a good thing."

reminds me a lot about the "deathconciousness booklet". a fictional recounting of a man named antiochus, who at one point yells at a crowd of people that they have all "murdered your sons". the logic is when death is inevitable, bringing life to something is only setting up its death. the booklet is incredibly intriguing, and if this sort of concept "interests" you, i think youll find the booklet worth a read.