Venting i dont know what i want

[d4nknee]

the biggest thing keeping from cbt is the fact i don't want to hurt anyone and its been pretty much the only reason for years. i think about everyone's life just being halted for a bit or even completely altering people's lives and everyone close to me just crying and that absolutely just wrecks me. i've been telling some of my really close friends whats been going on and thats been nice. told one of them i was on SaSu and she was just like man get off of it XD. otherwise, they've just been nice at listening to me rant about being suicidal despite how well my life is going. Me opening up to these two friends is also really holding me back from cbt because i feel really bad if i do it now and they look back thinking if theres something they could've/should've said to keep me here. i don't want to put that guilt on them.

i went to therapy again today for the first time in about 3 months. i've been with this person for abt a year and a half now and have gone maybe a total of 13 times very scattered, either because i'm busy or he is. but i don't even know what i want out of therapy anymore. before i thought it would be a magical solution to all my problems and now obviously it isnt and you have to go regularly to see results and it should be with the right person but i can't be trying to find another one since i've made so much progress finally opening up. he's referred me to the gp and suggested possibly starting meds, so maybe that'll help.

i keep flipping back and forth between maybe i should try meds before ctb and i can't be bothered with another recovery. since my sh relapse, everything's just been blurring together, my brain has been operating at about 30% capacity. this is annoying since i'm use to these spouts only lasting a couple days or at most a week but this one has been way more persistent. i'm at least getting out of bed now and not really cancelling on hangouts but i've been avoiding my university work despite having an exam in a couple of days.

i've felt like a dead man walking for a year now since i genuinely thought abt cbt after my graduation last year but i didn't have a real plan (i'm big on if i do cbt, i'll only be doing it if i'm definitely not going to survive) so there was no follow through. when i was clean from sh for a while, it felt like a relapse was inevitable so it never felt like an achievement. i'm not completely giving into my urges but definitely not resisting as much as i can/should.

so yeah, i don't know.

sorry for bad grammar and punctuation - im really shit at that.

 

[Canto XIII]

It sounds like you're still very young and you've barely started exploring your options. As a result, you're understandably very indecisive. If I were you, I'd definitely give myself more time. I feel you about not wanting to hurt the people who love you, it's a legitimate concern and something to think about.