please, please document this, go to the police, go to
https://rainn.org/ and chat with counselors, report it, tell people now, don't wait.
it is going to impact you and you want records of it, no matter what people say or how it impacts things, report it. you could start with just chatting with the counselors at rainn.org. they have training.
part of the reason i am saying "please report it asap" is because i didn't report things that happened to me asap and it really fucked me over.
when i didn't report, my reasons were logical:
1) i don't like police and never have (no offense
@COP2CON who is nice)
2) i wasn't sober
3) i didn't think the damage was that bad at first (but it got worse over time, physically and psychologically)
4) i didn''t like the prison industrial complex and actually thought intoxication was a factor and things might not have happened without that intoxication and was actually concerned about prosecution and being a part of that
5) i didn't leave the scene immediately after it occurred and report it
6) i didn't want my life and time to be spent on this; this is not the side quest i wanted
7) i had already been depressed and suicidal at times (like you) and when it happened, i just figured it wasn't going to matter, i was done, and I didn't really express this with words in my head, it's just what happened.
these beliefs were ALL wrong:
1) police suck (no offense
@COP2CON) but are sometimes a necessary part of society
2) lots of rape victims are not "perfect" from a prosecution standpoint, many are intoxicated when it happens
3) this is likely to impact you psychologically more over time. however damaged you are now, you may be more damaged in 4 years. maybe you would have stopped being suicidal in 2 years and gotten a job, gotten a promotion, and now you have to do more therapy, do fine at first, struggle in 2 years and don't get a promotion, and it affects your career trajectory; having this documented means you sometimes can get certain expenses paid for (like if there is a prosecution, they may pay for certain expenses depending on your jurisdiction; it may be easier to take a leave of absence from work later if you are having flashbacks and it gets worse and you can't function).
4) even if you report this, even if you're the "perfect" person for reporting (religious, never drinking, no tattoos and piercings), rape cases often are hard to prosecute and this person is more likely to either get no time or a plea deal and serve only some time. you're not sending that person to prison forever, most likely; if anything, there's maybe going to be an arrest, at least others will be warned, it will make it so if the person does it again it's easier to prosecute, etc. so report it for you, not for what will happen regarding them.
5) many rape victims don't report the rape immediately; it does mean a weaker case for the DA, it may not get prosecuted, you should still report it.
6) your life and time will be spent on this unfortunately even if you ignore it, or that's my experience anyway. ignoring it won't make it less of a side quest, it will still impact you
7) survival instinct is hard to overcome, you may not be able to attempt if you want to later, and if you do attempt, you may not complete it and survive, as most suicide attempts don't result in death. statistically, even with already being a SaSu member, there's more of a chance you'll be alive than dead in a certain number of years (given statistics on suicidal people) and you'll be much better off documenting things.
in many ways, it's too late for me, i didn't report what happened to me for a long time and really regret it, but you should report this now. even if it's hard, please report it. you want documentation of what happened. you don't want to just ignore it and move on because over time you'll learn it's going to impact you in different ways and it's easier to deal with when it's documented.
i really hope you go down to the police station, even if you washed away evidence already. and if you haven't washed clothing, don't. it's not about the conviction that you may never get or may get, you just need to report it so it's documented.
