I got close again today, but lost the nerve when I saw my son

[idiot_dad]

The past week I've been thinking about what a relief it will be to not feel so much mental pain anymore. The idea of just sleeping and letting everything go feels so appealing that I've lost all fear of death.

This morning my son was getting ready to ride his new bike to school for the first time. He was so excited about it, and he wanted to tell me all about it. I suppressed my feelings and shared his excitement. As soon as he rode off to school I went inside my room and cried my eyes out.

The thought of putting out his light was just too much for me to bear. I'm trapped and I need to clench my teeth and keep going as long as I can.

 

[toforigivelife]

To be in the pain that you're in, to be to the point where you want to end your life and to have a son to worry about? That's mental anguish. It's cruel.

I'm so sorry.

Are you a single father? Are you alone in this?

(Bet you were waiting for me to tell you that you're selfish. No. I'm not about to do that. To endure the pain that people like us endure on a daily and nightly basis and not end our lives is the opposite of selfish. It takes strength and thoughtfulness to carry on under the conditions we live with every day.)

 

[Rational man]

I feel your pain. You have a real difficult dilemma to deal with. Take care.❤

 

[idiot_dad]

Are you a single father? Are you alone in this?

I'm married, so my kids wouldn't be alone. I've been the sole earner in our family for a while, and I've been working around the clock for about 12 years now just to keep us afloat. I have life insurance though, which should sustain everyone long after I'm gone.

 

[undertherainbow]

I swear, I could have written this. I tried hanging last week. took a few sedatives and was on the brink of passing out when I realized that I just wasn't ready to leave him or my husband yet. I hate it here but I love them too much. It's like being stuck in limbo. And as parents we can't even get help because of fear of being seen as unfit to parent, or fear of being committed.

 

[toforigivelife]

I'm married, so my kids wouldn't be alone. I've been the sole earner in our family for a while, and I've been working around the clock for about 12 years now just to keep us afloat. I have life insurance though, which should sustain everyone long after I'm gone.

Well I guess you have the reassurance of the life insurance policy and it sounds like it's a healthy sized policy. Money is a reality, money goes a long way when a family loses someone.

Have you already tried professional help?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I'm just wondering if you've already been down that road. I didn't want you to think I was lecturing you if you've already tried medications and counseling.

Professional help is not a cure all for people like us who suffer this depth of pain and depression. I mean, countries that have legalized assisted suicide are now including mental illness as a part of the criteria.

But if you haven't tried professional help is it something that you would consider?

 

[toforigivelife]

The pressure of being the provider, of being the breadwinner for your family along with the sheer amount of hours you are working add so many more layers to what you are going through.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

I can relate to you. Sending you hugs firstly.
The dilemma that you must have been going through and are going through. I'm sorry. The pain of knowing who will be left behind and the memories that you will miss, and what is left behind.
Those thoughts are going through my mind everytime I put a ligature around my neck or SH. I have 2 children and a husband.
Anytime you want to talk

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it suicide is a pain cycle, to end our pain, it passes it on to other people. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Life really is so horrible. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Man, that is rough....I am so, so sorry things have to be this way for you. My heart and deepest sympathies go out to you.

But the fact that you can keep going with that much pain and all for that little one? Man, definitely Father of the Year. I mean it too.

Whatever decision you make, we support you. I truly hope you find the peace you are looking for one way or the other. Take care man.

 

[toforigivelife]

The way I see it suicide is a pain cycle, to end our pain, it passes it on to other people. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Life really is so horrible. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

I can relate to you. Sending you hugs firstly.
The dilemma that you must have been going through and are going through. I'm sorry. The pain of knowing who will be left behind and the memories that you will miss, and what is left behind.
Those thoughts are going through my mind everytime I put a ligature around my neck or SH. I have 2 children and a husband.
Anytime you want to talk

This may sound harsh, but when chronic, clinical depression is unrelenting this quote speaks a truth that can be hard to take, but it's a truth nonetheless; "Their love for you does not negate your suffering."

I don't know the name of the person who said it but it is true.

If only people and society could look at depression and mental illness the same way they would look at a physical illness.

 

[idiot_dad]

I'm just wondering if you've already been down that road. I didn't want you to think I was lecturing you if you've already tried medications and counseling.

I tried medication and counseling for a while. I haven't been for a few years now. My wife has been pushing for me to try again, but I'm just sad and tired and don't want to fight anymore.

 

[toforigivelife]

I tried medication and counseling for a while. I haven't been for a few years now. My wife has been pushing for me to try again, but I'm just sad and tired and don't want to fight anymore.

I understand.

And I'm sorry for the bind that you're in.

 

[Romeo1984]

First of all, it's nice to read everyone's comment.
I feel the same pain as you.
I am a father of 2 children. My wife passed away (wasn't CTB).
Since then, my life has been hell or limbo.
Having children seems to make our SI stronger, but it doesn't lessen our pain. On the contrary, the pain is much greater, as I feel like a terrible father for thinking that I don't want to be here anymore. But I need to be alive for them.
I've tried several alternatives, treatments and I keep trying, but day after day, this mental struggle is tiring.
My dream and that of many would be to have a terminal illness, for example pancreatic cancer. I would have time to say goodbye to children, family and friends.
I could come out of this life as a hero and not a coward.
I've seen several stories around here, each with its legitimate reason for being here.
However, these reports are like an oasis in the midst of so much darkness. Being able to hear and be heard makes me feel that I'm not alone and I'm not being weak.

Fathers and mothers who are sharing all of this, feel all hugs.
I hope everyone is okay, whatever the choice.

 

[toforigivelife]

I tried medication and counseling for a while. I haven't been for a few years now. My wife has been pushing for me to try again, but I'm just sad and tired and don't want to fight anymore.

I apologize if this is a dumb question but, is there any way that you could take a leave of absence from work, take a break from your family and get some mental and emotional rest?

First of all, it's nice to read everyone's comment.
I feel the same pain as you.
I am a father of 2 children. My wife passed away (wasn't CTB).
Since then, my life has been hell or limbo.
Having children seems to make our SI stronger, but it doesn't lessen our pain. On the contrary, the pain is much greater, as I feel like a terrible father for thinking that I don't want to be here anymore. But I need to be alive for them.
I've tried several alternatives, treatments and I keep trying, but day after day, this mental struggle is tiring.
My dream and that of many would be to have a terminal illness, for example pancreatic cancer. I would have time to say goodbye to children, family and friends.
I could come out of this life as a hero and not a coward.
I've seen several stories around here, each with its legitimate reason for being here.
However, these reports are like an oasis in the midst of so much darkness. Being able to hear and be heard makes me feel that I'm not alone and I'm not being weak.

Fathers and mothers who are sharing all of this, feel all hugs.
I hope everyone is okay, whatever the choice.

"Having children seems to make our SI stronger, but it doesn't lessen our pain."

What a cruel combination.

I know that those around and that most people never realize this, but you are not a coward for wanting your suffering to end, to want to just go to sleep and never wake.

It takes strength for you to keep going despite the incredible, deep, anguished pain that you are in.

Strength not cowardice.

And you are anything but weak. You suffered a terrible loss, you are now a single parent operating under very painful circumstances and you're still standing.

There is nothing immoral, cowardly or weak about wanting your pain to end.

I know that none of this eases your pain but I just wanted to point that out.

(If you need live-in help, let me know. I'd be a great caregiver who'd be able to offer your grieving kids compassion and understanding, I can empathize with you and understand what you're going through, I'm a great housekeeper, I'd pay my own travel and relocation expenses - all in exchange for room and board. I'm torn between apologizing for sounding tacky and thinking of starting a new SS section that would provide a space where members who can help each other are able to find each other.)

 

[SheJumped]

The thought of putting out his light was just too much for me to bear. I'm trapped and I need to clench my teeth and keep going as long as I can.

It's the reason why I'm still alive, I want to catch the bus when they're older and not at an age where life is new.
I wake up every morning disappointed I didn't die in my sleep, and spend majority of the day thinking about suicide, but I still put for the little ones. Just wouldn't be right.

 

[ihatemylife]

I tried medication and counseling for a while. I haven't been for a few years now. My wife has been pushing for me to try again, but I'm just sad and tired and don't want to fight anymore.

Did you get any help from this? This is just my opinion but if its possible I would give it a try one more time in this situation. Perhaps different therapist/medications. Its not like CTB option is going anywhere. You could always choose that option if it truly is hopeless. At least you would do it knowing that you tried the hardest you could for yourself and your family.

 

[Yossarian87]

I feel your pain.

I have 2 children who adore me, love me so much and they are my only reasons to keep going.

I only see them every other weekend, and their mother who I am still madly in love with wants nothing to do with me, and I fear it's only a matter of time before she meets someone better. So worried I'll give up at that point and what it would do to my children.

 

[papulin]

Thank you for posting. Right now, I can hear my two daughters playing in the other room. I wish I could snap out of this funk, it has been so many years now.
I keep telling myself they would be OK, but I know that would not be the case. "Their love for you does not negate your suffering."

I also believe... My love for them, does it justify persevering? I do love them. I wrote them notes years ago when my intentionality was stronger.

Now I look back and wonder if I shouldn't have just ripped off the Band Aid years ago. And worry if I don't muster the courage and resolve to act now, I'll be looking back in 5 years feeling exactly the same way. Just having damaged everyone along with me in the interim.

 

[LittleJem]

I tried medication and counseling for a while. I haven't been for a few years now. My wife has been pushing for me to try again, but I'm just sad and tired and don't want to fight anymore.

Hi, I would say please urgently try more medication. Because you owe it to your son to keep trying. I know what it's like to constantly want to die, but please do try more options first. My ex's dad CTB and it affected his sister and him tremendously.

One you could get yourself: Lithium Orotate (see reviews on Amazon). Also, St John's Wort can be helpful (check contraindications). And/or see a psychiatrist urgently. Have you tried weed? (It helps me). Psilocybin microdosing? Tramadol can help treatment resistant depression.

Please don't give up just yet. I know it's hell but try a few more options first. I commend your strength in staying despite this suffering.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Reading this made me cry. I work with children and their sense of pure wonder for the world is like nothing else. I envy them sometimes. You're a good dad, you're doing your best and you definitely don't deserve all the pain you're in.

 

[Invisible 73]

I'm married, so my kids wouldn't be alone. I've been the sole earner in our family for a while, and I've been working around the clock for about 12 years now just to keep us afloat. I have life insurance though, which should sustain everyone long after I'm gone.

I hate to tell u but insurance doesn't pay out for suicide. I used to work for a life insurance company.

Hi, I would say please urgently try more medication. Because you owe it to your son to keep trying. I know what it's like to constantly want to die, but please do try more options first. My ex's dad CTB and it affected his sister and him tremendously.

One you could get yourself: Lithium Orotate (see reviews on Amazon). Also, St John's Wort can be helpful (check contraindications). And/or see a psychiatrist urgently. Have you tried weed? (It helps me). Psilocybin microdosing? Tramadol can help treatment resistant depression.

Please don't give up just yet. I know it's hell but try a few more options first. I commend your strength in staying despite this suffering.

Does insurance cover micro dosing yet

 

[hdahsa]

I totally understand and feel your helplessness and frustration.

My loving wife was taken by covid this year inspite of taking all due precautions. We have a wonderful young daughter who misses her every day. Even if there are people to help out with things and there is her insurance money, the loneliness is irreplaceable as is the importance of having a mother in my daughter's life.

The first three months after she passed were the worst. I gathered all materials for ctb. But I also did not want to leave my daughter an orphan. So now I have decided to postpone ctb as long as possible only for her. Young kids need their parents. All the world on one side and parents on one side.

 

[idiot_dad]

One you could get yourself: Lithium Orotate (see reviews on Amazon). Also, St John's Wort can be helpful (check contraindications). And/or see a psychiatrist urgently. Have you tried weed? (It helps me). Psilocybin microdosing? Tramadol can help treatment resistant depression.

Just wanted to give you an update, I saw a therapist last week. It was really strange to talk to a person about my thoughts. After a couple of sessions it put my childhood trauma in context. I've been blaming myself a lot for shitty things that happened to me as a kid, and I never realized it. I still hate myself, but I'm going to keep going and try working on it.