My suicide is inevitable

[burninghill]

I've just been feeling sick every day. I can't stop thinking about staring my boyfriend in the eyes and turning away from him to die. Every time he says something about how much he loves me, how I was made for him, I can't not think about how I wish I could be perfect and I wish that he was enough to save me and make me want to live.

He's beautiful and he's struggled so much, he's lost his dad and his brother in the last 6 years and he's going to lose me too and neither of us can change it. I feel horrible because I know it's inevitable.

I kept telling myself, I don't want to die before I kiss someone, I don't want to die until I love someone, I don't want to die until I've had sex. I thought all these things would save me, it's silly but I'm sure lots of you understand. You realise the only person who can save you is yourself and I know deep down that I'm not able to.

I don't know how to stop thinking of my suicide as something destined. I don't know if I want to stop, even. Then what will I fall back on if I fuck things up?

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I don't know if you have bpd or not but as someone with bpd I relate to your posts a lot. You can decide whatever you want for yourself of course, but I really hope you get the chance to heal and live a much better life. I don't know you at all, but your death would sadden me a little. I pray for you to find your peace.

 

[isthisit?]

maybr talk to your bf about it? Thats what partners are for

 

[Bsauce]

I believe that tends to generate more scandal and puts you on a "watchlist" among peers. Suicide is maybe the biggest "concern" trigger for the majority of people, even though they are inherently incapable of helping with anything.
But who am I to say anything. I lock it up because I have never got anything good from talking with others about my problems...only more problems and the type of "concern" that doesn't compromise and never generate any responsibility to anyone but your own self. So in my experience, more words, more problems.
Nevertheless, I feel the same about my wife, it squeezes my heart tight. I hope you find peace.

 

[burninghill]

I don't know if you have bpd or not but as someone with bpd I relate to your posts a lot. You can decide whatever you want for yourself of course, but I really hope you get the chance to heal and live a much better life. I don't know you at all, but your death would sadden me a little. I pray for you to find your peace.

I'm bipolar, yes. I recognise your username because I see you around every now and then. I'm glad you notice me too <3 thank you.

I believe that tends to generate more scandal and puts you on a "watchlist" among peers. Suicide is maybe the biggest "concern" trigger for the majority of people, even though they are inherently incapable of helping with anything.
But who am I to say anything. I lock it up because I have never got anything good from talking with others about my problems...only more problems and the type of "concern" that doesn't compromise and never generate any responsibility to anyone but your own self. So in my experience, more words, more problems.
Nevertheless, I feel the same about my wife, it squeezes my heart tight. I hope you find peace.

I've shown up with fresh self harm to group meets, spoken to my friends about chronic suicidality, drug use, my attempts. Nobody really seems to care all that much. I disappeared for a few months between July and December because I was planning to kill myself and I came back in January to a lot of angry people and had to start from scratch in terms of my social circle. Talking to people about my mental health has done no good.