Venting i feel sad because i have no life and talking about it makes people think i'm complaining about how easy i have it

[eggsausagerice]

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i thought about killing myself again this morning. i'm still thinking about how i could kill myself later tonight if i really wanted to. i just don't want to feel lonely and insecure anymore. i feel sad when no one texts me but i have nothing interesting or worthwhile to read when someone does text me. i barely see people in person. i spent most of yesterday doomscrolling grindr because i have no one that wants to talk to me. then guys that were probably insecure as me asked me why i wasn't messaging them back when i was just mindlessly scrolling through their messages. one of them said sorry that he was ugly and i felt bad. i figure that i must really be a loser instead of the cool and interesting person people try to tell me i am. i feel like i worst person i can know at any given time and i just want to block people or buy them things because i don't know what i can do to be someone they like. i end up so stressed out about it that it seems easier to be alone again, but then i can't deal with being by myself. it just feels unlivable if i keep thinking about how everyone probably sees me and useless and boring. i hate the way this feels. i have a really strong desire to disappear completely that i don't know how to verbalize in my suicide notes. i just feel embarrassed of myself. i'm tired of people thinking i'm a stupid privileged young person for wanting to die because i can't cope with having such a meaningless life. i'm tired of lying about being in college when i've been planning my suicide for months. i really wish i was interesting enough so that people would like me more. there's nothing i can do.

 

[morina]

Yeah I feel similar. Just like a boring and irrelevant person. I hate having to lie about having hobbies to have things to talk about. I am unable to participate in human connection, yet I desire it so much. It doesn't make sense. I often find myself scrolling through discord chats, just lurking the conversations of other people, continuously thinking how I could participate, arriving at the conclusion that I can't. Most people I talk to probably just tolerate me out of pity.

Sorry, I cannot say anything to try to comfort or help you, just share my own experiences...

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I have no in person friends so I relate a lot. I understand how painful and draining loneliness can feel. I've done some very harmful and even humiliating things to cope with it before. I seriously hope that things can improve for you, and you can get good friends that love and appreciate you. And find meaning in life. Because you don't deserve to die over unfortunate circumstance, almost no one does. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Much love.