Venting i don't like (?) love

[other-ghost]

Love's everywhere around me, friends, family, my partner, everyone. I know i should feel grateful to have that. Love is beautiful, in theory.

But it always ends up hurting me. Not because their love is toxic, but because I'm convinced it's wasted on me. I'm not the right person to receive it. I'm rotten to the core, how could anything pure even stick to me?

Hearing "You deserve love" for years makes me sick. You know what that does? Every time I try to believe it, i just end up proving to myself that i don't. My heart's rotten, my mind's rotten. Might as well let my whole body rot too.

Being loved purely makes me sick. Not because i dont respect it, but because i know where it's headed. Makes me want to slit my throat, set myself on fire, die right in front of them, maybe then they'd see I'm not worth loving.

Love doesn't save me. It makes me want to stop existing. Yet people have told me i'm a person full of love— maybe i'm just drowning myself at this point. I really don't know where is this going for me since, of course, what matters in this world is Love. Yet, here i am.

 

[deadstillwalking]

I feel you, I was told that an almost perfect looking girl in my class had a thing for me. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself and avoided her ever since.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Similar here. It's as if I simply do not have a receptor for love. It's like a color I can't see or a sound I can't hear. If I am giving and receiving it, I'm unaware.

 

[Polyxo]

Me too. I don't hate the world or the people around me. I love them. The world is such a beautiful place.

I'm the one that's wrong. I want to leave this life because it's better off without me.

 

[StupidCat]

That's an interesting take.
Personally I don't think I've ever felt loved, no one has told me they loved me as a child, and I grew up basically loveless.
I never learned how to love, never loved anyone and never being loved by someone.
Just these last years I've been shown signs of love, by the same family that never showed me love in the first place, I don't think I liked it.
If anything, it makes me feel like I don't deserve or it's two sided. It takes from my individuality, because I have to "love back".
I don't think I have love to give nor express it. Love is probably something I will never comprehend.