achingthroat
Member
- Jan 20, 2026
- 17
It's been a while since I've been on this site. Life has just been mediocre after I fell out from that deep depression. It was just weird afterwards. I had goals again but I knew deep down it wasn't meant for me. I didn't really do much to reach them, more so daydreamed about it in my head, like I always do. It gives me this rush of dopamine.
My spring semester at college was alright. Stressful as usual, but I wasn't doing too bad academically. I befriended a classmate and we would meet up to study often and well we bonded over things and it brought my spirit up. I am so thankful for her because without her I wouldn't have that spirit to keep going and well those study sessions helped me learn a lot and felt energized and alive. (I have her number but we just don't talk as I don't know how and usually have a lot on my plate that I can't keep in and would eventually vent and I don't want that)
I had plans for the summer that I would go camping with friends. ( I don't know what friends I'm talking about, I do have "friends" but it feels more like really people I know and talked to in the past over nothings and I don't have a person to talk to daily or hangout to say I have a friend I'm actually really lonely) or that I would sign up for summer classes and I did until I thought about it too much and ended up dropping them with the excuse that I would workout a lot and get fit to make up for it. To not feel so guilty.
Neither of those things happened. I think I liked the idea of it more. The idea of being productive. Instead I spent my summer being stressed over completing prerequisites for a NAC/ CNA Program and getting things on time and appointments. I also worried about the cost as I'm not sure if it'll be covered by financial aid as its not enough credits missing by one and I probably need to discuss how I need to change my major but it's hard as I don't qualify for money I think if I don't have a major. I'm pre-nursing and that's really not a major I believe and I was under an arts and sciences degree thing to transfer to a university. I don't want to take more classes and have been taking classes that align with the community college I go to and their ADN program. My stress and anxiety is that if I bring this up the office and do the changes that I'll have to pay out of pocket or more so my parents have to and we're low income. What I hate about that is that I feel like if I fail I just wasted my parents money and if I keep living and doing school and then later kill my self that it was a waste of time for not only me but for my family and their wallets. I really don't think it's worth for my parents to invest in me. I'm a lost cause for the moment I was born. I struggle so much because of my ADHD and learning differences. I really can't do anything I'm so helpless. I'm just here following along society's expectations. I don't even wanna be here. Let alone go to school to get a degree so I can get a job so I can eat and have a place. It doesn't enlighten me. I don't have a positive outlook on the reality of the future in this world too so it just adds to it. I just do it to do it. I'm afraid of failure and get triggered by my stupidness and lack of ability in so many aspects. I get frustrated and irritated easily by my inability to do things to messing up and to feeling overwhelmed because something small ruined my whole mood and struggle to regulate and come back to normal. It's exhausting and I really have to live like this forever. It's so much work. I really am a burden. I wish someone else was born in my place. My sister and brother are normal and aren't a lot of work and it's worth my parents investing in them.
I really want my parents to give up on me. I don't wanna have to prove my parents that I'm worth living and the money and time they've put towards me hasn't come to a waste. I tried to do my best to feel like it was okay to be here. I would like to know what my mother thinks. It has been so stressful and expensive to have me around. I think the best choice would be to give up now before I keep going and keep adding to their debt. I wish I came from a well off family because then I wouldn't have so much guilt or being thin and pretty.
I can't die just yet because I haven't sold my things entirely and I haven't become thin and pretty. I want to be at least skinny. I owe it to my younger self who grew up as an obese child and felt like the scum of the earth for being in someone's presence. I want to be skinny in this lifetime. I want to wear pretty clothes and see how pretty I am. I want to be wanted and loved in that way. I don't want to be known as the ugly fat girl who died.
I want to wear a black gothic Lolita dress and wear pretty makeup and take lots of photos and videos. I want the world to see me like that. I want to show how great I am. I don't want to lie to myself and now it's the reality that I am beautiful and thin.
This has been going on for way too long. This cycle of falling into a deep depression and then getting out of it and my highs being feeling okay.
I can feel the energy in this household. How much they despise me but put up with me. I really am a lot. Sometimes I feel neglected because my needs aren't met or more so not understood as someone with ADHD and I don't think they know what it really means and how I'm more likely to fall into depression because of how debilitating it is. How guilty I feel because of it. I fucking hate how anxious I get. how uncomfortable I get, how I hate certain noises or textures or how someone being in the same space as me suddenly makes me go livid and how loud voices get me so startled inside and takes me a long time to self regulate again and how much it hurts to have been this way since I was born. I'm just seen as someone who's an asshole for it. I've been told so by my brother. I guess I really don't put other people's feelings to account but I couldn't care to be honest as I'm always battling with myself so much to care about others. No matter what I say or explain they just won't understand. I mean, it's not like I take my time learning about them either. So I guess it doesn't matter for me to complain about it. I'm just tired of it all, having to be so complicated and being so much work. All for me to feel okay so I can finish school and get a job and get off their backs. I could do that now by just ending it all and saving them the stress of caring for me and the money.
So my questions is, as someone who's wanted to not be here for the longest time because it's so stressful and too much because of the way my brain works. Is it okay for me to give up? To say I don't want this life and never did. That I could see myself living this way still in the future and it's just because of my brain and how sensitive and stupid it is. That it's reasonable to end it soon as I've tried so every year and died in my head over and over again. That I'm just one of those cases of people that are born to commit suicide. Please tell me that what I've recognized over the years is a sign this world isn't suitable for me. That It'll be harder for an individual like me and to die is to spare grace onto someone like me from suffering more in the later future.
My spring semester at college was alright. Stressful as usual, but I wasn't doing too bad academically. I befriended a classmate and we would meet up to study often and well we bonded over things and it brought my spirit up. I am so thankful for her because without her I wouldn't have that spirit to keep going and well those study sessions helped me learn a lot and felt energized and alive. (I have her number but we just don't talk as I don't know how and usually have a lot on my plate that I can't keep in and would eventually vent and I don't want that)
I had plans for the summer that I would go camping with friends. ( I don't know what friends I'm talking about, I do have "friends" but it feels more like really people I know and talked to in the past over nothings and I don't have a person to talk to daily or hangout to say I have a friend I'm actually really lonely) or that I would sign up for summer classes and I did until I thought about it too much and ended up dropping them with the excuse that I would workout a lot and get fit to make up for it. To not feel so guilty.
Neither of those things happened. I think I liked the idea of it more. The idea of being productive. Instead I spent my summer being stressed over completing prerequisites for a NAC/ CNA Program and getting things on time and appointments. I also worried about the cost as I'm not sure if it'll be covered by financial aid as its not enough credits missing by one and I probably need to discuss how I need to change my major but it's hard as I don't qualify for money I think if I don't have a major. I'm pre-nursing and that's really not a major I believe and I was under an arts and sciences degree thing to transfer to a university. I don't want to take more classes and have been taking classes that align with the community college I go to and their ADN program. My stress and anxiety is that if I bring this up the office and do the changes that I'll have to pay out of pocket or more so my parents have to and we're low income. What I hate about that is that I feel like if I fail I just wasted my parents money and if I keep living and doing school and then later kill my self that it was a waste of time for not only me but for my family and their wallets. I really don't think it's worth for my parents to invest in me. I'm a lost cause for the moment I was born. I struggle so much because of my ADHD and learning differences. I really can't do anything I'm so helpless. I'm just here following along society's expectations. I don't even wanna be here. Let alone go to school to get a degree so I can get a job so I can eat and have a place. It doesn't enlighten me. I don't have a positive outlook on the reality of the future in this world too so it just adds to it. I just do it to do it. I'm afraid of failure and get triggered by my stupidness and lack of ability in so many aspects. I get frustrated and irritated easily by my inability to do things to messing up and to feeling overwhelmed because something small ruined my whole mood and struggle to regulate and come back to normal. It's exhausting and I really have to live like this forever. It's so much work. I really am a burden. I wish someone else was born in my place. My sister and brother are normal and aren't a lot of work and it's worth my parents investing in them.
I really want my parents to give up on me. I don't wanna have to prove my parents that I'm worth living and the money and time they've put towards me hasn't come to a waste. I tried to do my best to feel like it was okay to be here. I would like to know what my mother thinks. It has been so stressful and expensive to have me around. I think the best choice would be to give up now before I keep going and keep adding to their debt. I wish I came from a well off family because then I wouldn't have so much guilt or being thin and pretty.
I can't die just yet because I haven't sold my things entirely and I haven't become thin and pretty. I want to be at least skinny. I owe it to my younger self who grew up as an obese child and felt like the scum of the earth for being in someone's presence. I want to be skinny in this lifetime. I want to wear pretty clothes and see how pretty I am. I want to be wanted and loved in that way. I don't want to be known as the ugly fat girl who died.
I want to wear a black gothic Lolita dress and wear pretty makeup and take lots of photos and videos. I want the world to see me like that. I want to show how great I am. I don't want to lie to myself and now it's the reality that I am beautiful and thin.
This has been going on for way too long. This cycle of falling into a deep depression and then getting out of it and my highs being feeling okay.
I can feel the energy in this household. How much they despise me but put up with me. I really am a lot. Sometimes I feel neglected because my needs aren't met or more so not understood as someone with ADHD and I don't think they know what it really means and how I'm more likely to fall into depression because of how debilitating it is. How guilty I feel because of it. I fucking hate how anxious I get. how uncomfortable I get, how I hate certain noises or textures or how someone being in the same space as me suddenly makes me go livid and how loud voices get me so startled inside and takes me a long time to self regulate again and how much it hurts to have been this way since I was born. I'm just seen as someone who's an asshole for it. I've been told so by my brother. I guess I really don't put other people's feelings to account but I couldn't care to be honest as I'm always battling with myself so much to care about others. No matter what I say or explain they just won't understand. I mean, it's not like I take my time learning about them either. So I guess it doesn't matter for me to complain about it. I'm just tired of it all, having to be so complicated and being so much work. All for me to feel okay so I can finish school and get a job and get off their backs. I could do that now by just ending it all and saving them the stress of caring for me and the money.
So my questions is, as someone who's wanted to not be here for the longest time because it's so stressful and too much because of the way my brain works. Is it okay for me to give up? To say I don't want this life and never did. That I could see myself living this way still in the future and it's just because of my brain and how sensitive and stupid it is. That it's reasonable to end it soon as I've tried so every year and died in my head over and over again. That I'm just one of those cases of people that are born to commit suicide. Please tell me that what I've recognized over the years is a sign this world isn't suitable for me. That It'll be harder for an individual like me and to die is to spare grace onto someone like me from suffering more in the later future.
