i broke up with my girlfriend

[hyacinths]

i love my girlfriend. well. i guess you should say ex girlfriend now. things were good - really really good. i had plans to move to be with her and get away from my abusive household, i finally have a job that i am tolerating; finally i saw a future. she's nothing but supportive and loving toward me, finally i felt like i was in a healthy relationship. but i love to self sabotage. love it. part of my brain wanted me to break up with her because she was the only thing that made me feel happy and made me feel like i had a future. and obviously, the part of me that wants to die wants me to have nothing to live for. so i had threatened to break up with her a few times, which is completely a shitty thing to do to someone you care about. so i've been really struggling lately and one night a part of me just snapped and i finally told her that i wanted to break up. she was really hurt by it and told me she needed space after i apologized when i was more calm and told her i wanted to get back together because i do care about her. she finally said that she didn't want to date now but maybe later if we worked on boundaries because she felt as if she had gotten into a relationship too soon, and that she still wanted to be friends. my heart is obviously broken - she's been my best friend and the only person i've ever felt this way towards but at the same point this is 100% completely my fault and she has every single right to never want to talk to me again. i would be hurt if someone i loved consistently kept doing that to me. i have no fucking clue what to do. i feel like i have nothing to live for - my family could care less about me, im thousands of dollars in debt, i can barely work... i know it's fucked up and it's not her fault but she was really the only thing that kept me going. i hear her voice when i call my only other friend (who's her roommate) and it immediately shatters my heart all over again. i just want to die. i know she won't ever want to get back together with me and it breaks my heart. im such a fucking idiot. im so stupid..

 

[LittleJem]

Child abuse is damaging to adult relationships. Perhaps you couldn't handle being loved differently? I am personally scared of being loved and have at times ended up in abusive relationships because they feel more like 'home'.

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.

 

[hyacinths]

Child abuse is damaging to adult relationships. Perhaps you couldn't handle being loved differently? I am personally scared of being loved and have at times ended up in abusive relationships because they feel more like 'home'.

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.

i think both her and i agree that the break down that caused the break up was influenced a bit by my moms behavior towards me. i just need to get away from her.

thank you and I appreciate it ♡

 

[LittleJem]

Definitely you do…my mum is toxic too. I don't speak to her much anymore. The sooner you get away the better. I left home (for a boarding school ) at sixteen. I was lucky. I was already very traumatised but I did heal getting away

 

[hyacinths]

Definitely you do…my mum is toxic too. I don't speak to her much anymore. The sooner you get away the better. I left home (for a boarding school ) at sixteen. I was lucky. I was already very traumatised but I did heal getting away

i was able to leave home at 19 but moved back in due to losing my job a year later. i think it was then I realized how bad she was because i hadn't had to deal with it. I finally knew what peace at home was!!!! Lolol. i want to get away but i ended up fucking over my own plans. she says i can still but. You know.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really painful what you are going through. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It does feel as though there is no escape from suffering in a life like this. I hope that you find relief.