Help How can I get my partner to move on without me

[Ybxn9]

A little bit of backstory, I've always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout my childhood and adult life, I've attempted before and ended up in rehab. My current girlfriend knows about this, but I was genuinely becoming better for her. We've been together for close to a year now, however recently my mental health started deteriorating rapidly these past few months due to some long shifts at work I've been pulling (12-17 hour days as a electrical apprentice). and I'm in the same hole I've been in for most of my life. I'm stuck here for another 2 years doing this job.

While asleep my girlfriend was watching reels on my phone and saw a message from one of my friends, she then was nosy and looked through to old messages and saw me talking to a close friend about CTB, I woke up to her crying and having a breakdown, which is understandable and as much as I tried to comfort her I couldn't deny what was literally right there for her to see. She has also struggled with self harm in the past and she told me strait up that if I died she would too. She saw me talking to my friend about the possibility of breaking up with or cheating on her so she could avoid the grief of dealing with that while being in a relationship with me.

She asked me how I could do that to her, I had no response because I knew how cruel that would be. Since then I have tried to break up with her and she has self harmed multiple times which I found evidence of. I don't know what to do. My death shouldn't cause her to do the same. She means the world to me. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do and the pressure is getting to me.

On a side note, I have around $8000 us saved up, I was planning a trip before I CTB, what should I do and or see?

 

[bl33ding_heart]

At the end of the day you can't truly do anything to make someone move on once you're gone. Once you are gone you are gone and you can't really do anything about the grief and emotional well being of your loved ones. This is the unfortunate price some of us have to pay when it comes to ending our life, although we won't be able to consciously experience the pain of knowing our loved ones are suffering. We still want the best for them. All you can really do is try to reassure her as best as possible beforehand, and let her know that it isn't her fault. Much love to the both of you, and I am hoping things turn out however you wish for them to.

 

[name2come]

You can't control someone else any more than they can control you. At the end of the day, your partner is going to make their own choices about going forward in their life. I'm not really okay with using a threat of self harm or CTB to manipulate someone, but if you were talking about cheating on her to make her hate you before you CTB, you aren't exactly blameless when it comes to manipulation.

Like, there are no great paths forward here. You can try to both be as honest with each other as possible about where you are at right now and see where that takes you. You can't hope to make her okay with your passing. That's not in your power. That's an unreasonable thing for you to expect, just as its unreasonable for her to think that you can't have those struggles. I think however you both proceed, there needs to be a degree of acceptance that you can't control the other. Easier said than done, though. Of course, you don't want her to be in pain in you CTB. She doesn't want you to be in pain right now. Neither of you can necessarily get what you want here, and that's a difficult place to be.

 

[Forveleth]

This gets asked here pretty regularly. You can not force someone to feel a certain way about you. You do something now to hurt them and push them away or your death hurts them later. There is no avoiding the pain. You just have to choose when you are going to inflict it on them.

 

[Aphid]

I'd really recommend sitting her down and being honest. It doesn't sound like the best idea, but if you're thinking about pushing her away you need to be honest. It's the best thing that I did for my partner.
There's no guarantee that they won't CTB after you but, if you can provide more info on the past and how your partner has been, if they are suicidal actively or feel that way, it would be important.

The best thing, in my opinion, is to be honest, let her know that you wanted to push her away, and let her know that she means everything to you. Reassure that they mean everything. Because from the sound of it, it seems they really do, and I am sure they'd appreciate that.
the truth will set you free

 

[gottagorightnow]

A little bit of backstory, I've always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout my childhood and adult life, I've attempted before and ended up in rehab. My current girlfriend knows about this, but I was genuinely becoming better for her. We've been together for close to a year now, however recently my mental health started deteriorating rapidly these past few months due to some long shifts at work I've been pulling (12-17 hour days as a electrical apprentice). and I'm in the same hole I've been in for most of my life. I'm stuck here for another 2 years doing this job.

While asleep my girlfriend was watching reels on my phone and saw a message from one of my friends, she then was nosy and looked through to old messages and saw me talking to a close friend about CTB, I woke up to her crying and having a breakdown, which is understandable and as much as I tried to comfort her I couldn't deny what was literally right there for her to see. She has also struggled with self harm in the past and she told me strait up that if I died she would too. She saw me talking to my friend about the possibility of breaking up with or cheating on her so she could avoid the grief of dealing with that while being in a relationship with me.

She asked me how I could do that to her, I had no response because I knew how cruel that would be. Since then I have tried to break up with her and she has self harmed multiple times which I found evidence of. I don't know what to do. My death shouldn't cause her to do the same. She means the world to me. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do and the pressure is getting to me.

On a side note, I have around $8000 us saved up, I was planning a trip before I CTB, what should I do and or see?

There's nothing you can do. My partner took his life over a month ago. It's never something I'd considered before but I think about dying every single day now. If you choose not to stay, you can't guarantee that people won't follow you or be completely traumatized. If it's really what you want to do, you will have to let people handle it however they are going to.

 

[Ybxn9]

You can't control someone else any more than they can control you. At the end of the day, your partner is going to make their own choices about going forward in their life. I'm not really okay with using a threat of self harm or CTB to manipulate someone, but if you were talking about cheating on her to make her hate you before you CTB, you aren't exactly blameless when it comes to manipulation.

I get that I can't control her just as she cant control me, I was debating using her self harm as a way to get her admitted to a psych ward so she is unable to ctb after I am, but at the same time I've been through that and I know how bad it is to be stuck there. I also feel like a massive hypocrite but I'm just not sure if I care anymore. Like that money I've saved up was for a trip for both of us but at this point I see it as a 1 way trip to then ctb.

 

[Aphid]

There's nothing you can do. My partner took his life over a month ago. It's never something I'd considered before but I think about dying every single day now. If you choose not to stay, you can't guarantee that people won't follow you or be completely traumatized. If it's really what you want to do, you will have to let people handle it however they are going to.

I'm sorry to hear of the tragedy. I truly hope he's found peace. The mourning process is not easy, and I wish you luck in whatever road you take.

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

Me personally I dont worry about that no more, after im gone I know people will suffer, ultimately to ctb is a personal decision that will make others suffer always but it's still a very personal individual decision

 

[Ybxn9]

I'd really recommend sitting her down and being honest. It doesn't sound like the best idea, but if you're thinking about pushing her away you need to be honest. It's the best thing that I did for my partner.
There's no guarantee that they won't CTB after you but, if you can provide more info on the past and how your partner has been, if they are suicidal actively or feel that way, it would be important.

The best thing, in my opinion, is to be honest, let her know that you wanted to push her away, and let her know that she means everything to you. Reassure that they mean everything. Because from the sound of it, it seems they really do, and I am sure they'd appreciate that.
the truth will set you free

I was honest with her about this whole situation the day after, we had a serious chat but she kept breaking down everytime I brought up the idea that I didn't think she could change how I feel about it. I get the feeling they know how I feel and why I feel this way but they are just wishing it was different. I also didn't realise how attached to me had become in order to fight her own struggles which now is becoming obvious.

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

Btw congrats on being an electrician apprentice, if I didnt wish to ctb maybe I would do that since my career is probably getting decimated by AI

 

[Aphid]

I was honest with her about this whole situation the day after, we had a serious chat but she kept breaking down everytime I brought up the idea that I didn't think she could change how I feel about it. I get the feeling they know how I feel and why I feel this way but they are just wishing it was different. I also didn't realise how attached to me had become in order to fight her own struggles which now is becoming obvious.

I'm sorry. They're not on the same page as you, and it's, something I'm sorry to hear, but maybe this might be a good time to spin it back around into something positive. Take the trip. Make major life changes. Do everything you can.

 

[Ybxn9]

There's nothing you can do. My partner took his life over a month ago. It's never something I'd considered before but I think about dying every single day now. If you choose not to stay, you can't guarantee that people won't follow you or be completely traumatized. If it's really what you want to do, you will have to let people handle it however they are going to.

I understand that I can't gaurantee that but I was just hoping for some way you know. It makes me feel extremely sick thinking of me causing that to her. Or her possibly struggling for the rest of her life due to my actions.

Btw congrats on being an electrician apprentice, if I didnt wish to ctb maybe I would do that since my career is probably getting decimated by AI

It was good to start with but whatever you do don't take service jobs or accept weekends or you'll literally never have a week under 60 hours.

I'm sorry. They're not on the same page as you, and it's, something I'm sorry to hear, but maybe this might be a good time to spin it back around into something positive. Take the trip. Make major life changes. Do everything you can.

What places would you go to? I've travelled to italy, france, australia and new zealand before. I'm struggling coming up with ideas

 

[Aphid]

Go to more of an empty beautiful state. Mountains, trees, fields, lakes, go into nature. Reconnect.

 

[Ybxn9]

What do you think about mongolia?

 

[Atonal]

I'm afraid there is nothing to do about it. And, well, I'm in a similar situation but I know for sure that my partner will follow me when I die. This pressure is unavoidable I guess and I also don't know what to do...
The fact you were planning a trip seems like maybe part of you still wants to feel something before giving up completely. I'd probably use that money to actually disappear for a bit.
I'd take some time off if it was possible, go somewhere peaceful, get actual sleep, let my brain calm down a bit because managing all that shit under constant pressure never leads to proper decisions.

I do get the sense of how trapped and overloaded this all feels, unfortunately.
I'm really sorry that you are dealing with all this. Being stuck in a loop where you're trying not to hurt someone else, while also barely being able to function yourself just in order to avoid that outcome...
I wish I had something solid or useful to say here but I don't think there's an easy answer that actually fits this situation.
So… I just hear you. I guess that's what I'm trying to say.
And I'm not judging you for any of it.

 

[gottagorightnow]

I understand that I can't gaurantee that but I was just hoping for some way you know. It makes me feel extremely sick thinking of me causing that to her. Or her possibly struggling for the rest of her life due to my actions.

It was good to start with but whatever you do don't take service jobs or accept weekends or you'll literally never have a week under 60 hours.

What places would you go to? I've travelled to italy, france, australia and new zealand before. I'm struggling coming up with ideas

I know. I actually understand because I know what it'll do to people in my life and that's why I haven't yet. But weirdly now that I'm in this place I understand how much pain my partner was in and part of me does respect his decision not to be here. As much as I now don't want to be here, it was his right to choose. I wish he would've told me, so you've already done that. She can decide if she wants to heal from it or not if that's the way you decide to go but you don't get a choice in what she does with her pain just like she doesn't ultimately get a choice in yours.