I'm truly worthless to the world, why shouldn't I just die?

[Ohayosucks]

I recently went through an awful break up that truly exposed just how worthless I am. We've been talking about meeting each other for months, and she seemed genuinely excited and happy to see me. I thought I finally had someone who truly loved me, it was the first truly serious relationship I had. We had fun together but after about three days she told me she'd rather I leave early due to her bad living situation, I agreed deciding to trust her, only for me to find I've been broken up with the moment I stepped off the 4 hour bus (she removed being in a relationship from her bio, her roommate unfriended me, and she ignored every single text I sent). Im so repulsive and worthless my partner told her roommate she's breaking up with me, but not, yknow, me. All that love was a lie, I didn't matter to her at all, I wasn't even worth the effort of a break up text.

Maybe it's my fault for being a repulsive ugly fat fuck with a boring personality but I genuinely thought she liked me, I don't even understand what I did wrong. Maybe that's the issue, idk. I'm such an awful person I don't even realise it. But I can't even know because she completely ghosted me. This isn't the first time this happened too, close platonic friends also abandon me at the drop of a hat.

My whole life is a series of rejections. Rejected from jobs (unemployed for a year now btw after nearly 500 apps), rejected from friends and relationships, I try to find hobbies to distract myself but nothing I make or do seems to interest people. I got into game dev but I don't have the motivation or energy necessary to make something good. I go to meetups or stuff like tabletop game cafes only to awkwardly talk and not have truly rivetting convos with other people who clearly don't care about me. My family hates me for being a lazy fatass and keep hounding me to find a job already. Every romantic relationship I ever have last a few weeks at most (if I'm lucky) and they were mostly online so they barely count. The one time I met a partner irl I got dumped in 3 days.

Worthless to employers, worthless to friends, worthless to family, genuinely what positive do I bring forth to humanity? What has my existence brought that would be missed? If anything my existence is a net negative. The only thing stopping me from ctb is fear of pain, suffering in the afterlife, and making people who'd find out about it feel sad. I guess all that's left to do is watch YouTube slop and try to distract myself until I inevitably die unloved and unwanted like I deserve.

 

[PanaxMan]

I recently went through an awful break up that truly exposed just how worthless I am. We've been talking about meeting each other for months, and she seemed genuinely excited and happy to see me. I thought I finally had someone who truly loved me, it was the first truly serious relationship I had. We had fun together but after about three days she told me she'd rather I leave early due to her bad living situation, I agreed deciding to trust her, only for me to find I've been broken up with the moment I stepped off the 4 hour bus (she removed being in a relationship from her bio, her roommate unfriended me, and she ignored every single text I sent). Im so repulsive and worthless my partner told her roommate she's breaking up with me, but not, yknow, me. All that love was a lie, I didn't matter to her at all, I wasn't even worth the effort of a break up text.

Maybe it's my fault for being a repulsive ugly fat fuck with a boring personality but I genuinely thought she liked me, I don't even understand what I did wrong. Maybe that's the issue, idk. I'm such an awful person I don't even realise it. But I can't even know because she completely ghosted me. This isn't the first time this happened too, close platonic friends also abandon me at the drop of a hat.

My whole life is a series of rejections. Rejected from jobs (unemployed for a year now btw after nearly 500 apps), rejected from friends and relationships, I try to find hobbies to distract myself but nothing I make or do seems to interest people. I got into game dev but I don't have the motivation or energy necessary to make something good. I go to meetups or stuff like tabletop game cafes only to awkwardly talk and not have truly rivetting convos with other people who clearly don't care about me. My family hates me for being a lazy fatass and keep hounding me to find a job already. Every romantic relationship I ever have last a few weeks at most (if I'm lucky) and they were mostly online so they barely count. The one time I met a partner irl I got dumped in 3 days.

Worthless to employers, worthless to friends, worthless to family, genuinely what positive do I bring forth to humanity? What has my existence brought that would be missed? If anything my existence is a net negative. The only thing stopping me from ctb is fear of pain, suffering in the afterlife, and making people who'd find out about it feel sad. I guess all that's left to do is watch YouTube slop and try to distract myself until I inevitably die unloved and unwanted like I deserve.

Thats basically a near clone of myself besides the relationships part (that is something I really can't nor do I really want to touch right now)

 

[Dejected 55]

That's one of the sad horrible things about society... people won't even reject you to your face or give you a clue as to what was the reason. So whether or not you could have been different or improved yourself in some way, you'll never know.

 

[Quietist]

Communicating with someone online can be a lot different than interacting in person. When you're online, you're chatting with an idealized version of someone, and even projecting an idealized version of yourself, and meeting in person can sometimes shatter that illusion.

Though it sucks that she couldn't give you a reason for the breakup or closure. Granted, it's not like she was obligated to do so, but it's just the principle -- it's a courtesy.

You've mentioned being overweight - have you considered dieting or exercise? Not to be an asshole, but if self-image is a major point of anguish for you, it obviously makes sense to try to... do something about it. Exercise also = dopamine hit/endorphins release. Even if it's just shit like jumping jacks or going for a brisk walk.

 

[peacebenow]

First of all you aren't worthless. You don't want to hurt people that will miss you if you are gone you said. There are people that care about you. And this girl sounds like someone that you would never want to be with anyway. Just look at her behavior. You clearly don't treat others that way. Find ways to build up believing in yourself in small ways. Look for the goodness existing inside you that you overlook.