Discussion How to you come to terms with the fact you won’t get to do all you want to before you CTB?

[madwoman8]

Just curious others thoughts. Obviously, I feel like most people aren't going to be able to do all they want before they go as you don't know when you are going to go but when you are planning your CTB, it's a bit different mindset.

Now this may be silly but I'm a huge booknerd and I'm like, I'm never going to read all I want to before my time is up. There's always books coming out & so many I want to read. Right now I'm thinking August and I'm like trying to get through my current books I want to read and keep hearing about future ones and idk I'm sad I'll miss out.

I mean there's a lot of things I'm sad about missing out on & maybe the most minor in the scheme of life is books and probably the most major in my life is I'll never get to experience being in love and having a partner and knowing what it's like. (I came out late and didn't get to live long enough as a lesbian and don't have much experience with women).

But… I also don't want to keep going on as sad as I am - I spend more time in fictional worlds than my own and care about them more. And I'm dealing with a physical health condition that's going to keep getting worse…

On one hand I'm like I could just keep going on and getting to read so many books and live vicariously through them and isolate from the world… but I'll keep getting sadder when I put the book down or the show or movie off & unless things seriously change for me, I can't keep on living like that.

So anyway, feel free to share anything major or minor you are sad you'll miss out on and how you are handling that or what is giving you peace about it?

 

[Saponification]

Personally, I don't feel like I would be missing out at all. This world has nothing I want; nothing that truly interests me. I find everything in life utterly boring and unexciting. The only reason I didn't CTB yet is because it's just not within my realm of possibility yet.

Though I understand why it would be an issue if you did care about something. In that case, I guess the only thing I can say is that dead people have not the capacity to care. Once you cease to exist you won't remember anything about what you wanted to do whilst you were alive. There is no "missing out" for dead people.

 

[Dejected 55]

I mean, I'm killing myself because of all the things I'm never going to be able to do... beyond that, I'll miss some movies or TV shows that I would like to watch because they will come out after I'm gone... but even if I lived to be 100 and died of old age, there would be something I knew was coming out the next year after I die... so that would always be true.

My line in the sand is drawn because it is the point after which I can no longer sustain even the minimal lifestyle needed to survive. Thriving went out the window a year ago. All I have left is survival, and I will no longer be able to do that in a couple of months.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

By the time I get to the point where I'm ready to go through with CTB, peaceful non-existence will be the only thing I want.

 

[madwoman8]

Personally, I don't feel like I would be missing out at all. This world has nothing I want; nothing that truly interests me. I find everything in life utterly boring and unexciting. The only reason I didn't CTB yet is because it's just not within my realm of possibility yet.

Though I understand why it would be an issue if you did care about something. In that case, I guess the only thing I can say is that dead people have not the capacity to care. Once you cease to exist you won't remember anything about what you wanted to do whilst you were alive. There is no "missing out" for dead people.

I wish I could not care, it makes it harder. Reading has definitely been my companion when I've needed it & my escape from reality. What about the profile pic you chose, do you like anime?

& very true when you are dead there is nothing to care about anymore (unless you become a ghost with unfinished business lol)

I just feel like I'm in the stages of trying to accept my own death. I do wish peace for you in whatever way that looks for you bc it is hard to keep going when you don't care about anything.

 

[SeafoamSkeleton]

Anhedonia: I have lost intrest in everything. I remember intrests and goals from before, but they seem so stupid and trivial now. I feel a kind of panic when I think about having to do anything I enjoyed before. It's oddly painful to just be irritated by things that used to bring me little happy sparks.

 

[madwoman8]

I mean, I'm killing myself because of all the things I'm never going to be able to do... beyond that, I'll miss some movies or TV shows that I would like to watch because they will come out after I'm gone... but even if I lived to be 100 and died of old age, there would be something I knew was coming out the next year after I die... so that would always be true.

My line in the sand is drawn because it is the point after which I can no longer sustain even the minimal lifestyle needed to survive. Thriving went out the window a year ago. All I have left is survival, and I will no longer be able to do that in a couple of months.

Oh yeah definitely that for me too. I don't have much drive in life so I'm just basically working and distracting myself with fictional things and doing basic activities but don't feel like I'm thriving in life at all. Nor do I have that zest for life and the energy to do more & have a more fulfilling life. And all I ever wanted was love and I won't have that so what is the point.

Very true, life continues on and there's always new things coming out and happening so there will always be many things to miss no matter what. I guess I need to make peace with that - that's how I want to feel when I go, like I'm ready and okay with saying goodbye.

I feel similarly although I'm sure our situations are different, that before this health thing happened, I had hope of improving myself and life but that's gone. I feel for you in what you are going through

By the time I get to the point where I'm ready to go through with CTB, peaceful non-existence will be the only thing I want.

I hope you get your peace. I do want to feel peace at the end.

Anhedonia: I have lost intrest in everything. I remember intrests and goals from before, but they seem so stupid and trivial now. I feel a kind of panic when I think about having to do anything I enjoyed before. It's oddly painful to just be irritated by things that used to bring me little happy sparks.

I can see that - when I think about the past that doesn't align with me now, it is painful. I am sorry you lost interest in everything from the comments you are not alone. I wish I felt nothing bc I'm like weirdly mad that books make me want to stay but it's not enough to have a fulfilling life. I think I'm more sad that my life outside of interests doesn't make me want to stay so I can enjoy those things. It's a weird feeling. I do think that's a common thing with depression, losing interest in things that you used to enjoy. I hope something no matter how small brings you some amount of good feeling as you continue on.

 

[aiyuxhan]

I feel like if you have things you want to do and books you want to read, do it all before you kill yourself.

You don't have to rush dying especially since you still have things you want to do still

 

[Wolf Girl]

It sounds to me like it's not time for you to ctb. Wanting to live solely to read a good book still means you want to live. Ctb will always be there as an option, but the option to read those new books disappears permanently if you die. I hope you choose to keep trying. Best wishes.

 

[Dejected 55]

Oh yeah definitely that for me too. I don't have much drive in life so I'm just basically working and distracting myself with fictional things and doing basic activities but don't feel like I'm thriving in life at all. Nor do I have that zest for life and the energy to do more & have a more fulfilling life. And all I ever wanted was love and I won't have that so what is the point.

Very true, life continues on and there's always new things coming out and happening so there will always be many things to miss no matter what. I guess I need to make peace with that - that's how I want to feel when I go, like I'm ready and okay with saying goodbye.

I feel similarly although I'm sure our situations are different, that before this health thing happened, I had hope of improving myself and life but that's gone. I feel for you in what you are going through

I identify with some of your comments as well. If I'm completely honest, I wish I didn't have to die. I wish the woman I loved also loved me. I wish I had met her a few years or more earlier and had more time with her if she did love me. Right now I just wish she would talk to me, at all. But as I get closer to my August end-date I have to accept that I am less and less likely to hear from her ever again. I don't even see her randomly in town and we live pretty close to each other as far as towns go.

And without even the possibility of her in my life, nothing else has any meaning at all to me. So, once I get to the point where I can't afford anything anymore... I don't want to be homeless and hungry, and my phone will get cut off so there will absolutely be no way to ever communicate with her again. At that point there will be no reason to hope anymore, and there will be nothing in life I will feel like I'll miss because if I lived I wouldn't have those things anyway.

At that point, and given my method of choice (CO) having a good chance of painless success. I am hoping it will be pretty easy for me to start that chainsaw in the car and wait a few minutes and then jump in with my music and a picture of the love of my life and just drift off quickly and be done.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know what you mean. I suppose there have been a handful of things that have been great to watch or play for me- I'm more of a film/ series/ game fan. I'm sort of sad to think about the things I may miss out on.

Ultimately though, they're all 'copes'. They aren't enough to make life itself worthwhile. Plus, I have to pay for all of them. They don't change the reality of life that you spend at the bare minimum, a third of the time, nose to the grindstone working. As great as these things might be, they don't compensate for that (for me.)

My life is so dominated by work too. It means that I don't even try to do more adventurous stuff. I used to but, paid the price- feeling even more tired at work as a result. I've just come to the conclusion that, so much simply isn't worth the effort. That goes for life overall.

Plus, I don't think I'll have the capacity to miss or regret things after I'm dead. What I can do is squeeze every ounce of joy out of experiencing these things now. I'm revisiting old favourites as well as making the most of new releases, while I'm still here.

 

[bananaolympus]

The same as i would if die of old age imagine a movie you just saw and fell in love, that movie could have a sequel but decades after, the thing is everybody is gonna miss many thing another example is if you are into media juggernauts like marvel they going to produce media of all kinds for decades easily a century from now

 

[FuneralCry]

For me I simply just don't wish to exist at all, I never wished for existence rather all I want is to not exist, I suffer simply from existing, it's all so dreadful to me and as long as I exist I'll only hope to be gone. I just wish to be unconscious for all eternity with this deeply undesirable torturous existence I always saw as a mistake all forgotten about, for me existence is a burden and I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer so unnecessarily and to me existing is only suffering, all I want is non-existence, I just hope for the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep.

 

[Scythe]

I just gotta do as many things as I can with the time I got left. I have so many ideas that I want to create, and I don't have the time to do all of them. But if I'm living till I'm 80 or something. That's too much time, I'm just gonna procrasinate, and be stuck in rework cycles as my skills improve and parts of my projects are no longer representative of my current skill.
But my time is very limited, I can't afford to rework everything, I can't afford to procrasinate. So it actually helps that I can't do everything. It forces me to plan more manageable projects as well.

As for waiting on series to release, most of the ones I'm waiting for take so long that by the time they release the sequel chances are I'd already forgotten its existence. There's also a few indie releases that might just be abandoned so there's no point waiting for them because it'd be a gamble.

I agree with what everyone else's saying too, you'll miss a sequel or two no matter what if you're enjoying any/most forms of media. That's just one of the things we have to come to terms with as living beings.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Maybe you'll get to be reincarnated into a dachshund and be adopted by a psycho author with a personal library and get to read all the books you desire!
Lol, sorry. The first part of your post just reminded me of this anime.

To answer the question: I have no fucking idea. I don't have anything I look forward to. I'm planning on taking a trip next year to try to give myself one last shot at life before I start seriously considering ctb. I want to live, but I don't want to live the life I have. A few people on this site have made me at least consider trying to recover before I ctb, I mean, it's not a choice you can go back on. But even then I'm not REALLY looking forward to it. I'm planning on taking a month off. Most people would be ECSTATIC, I don't have any real emotion attached to it. I'm counting down the days to have something to do, but I'm not counting down the days and getting happier for each day that brings me closer to November of next year.

I play videogames and read. I don't care enough about either hobby that I'm sad about the idea of losing them. There aren't any books I look forward to reading or videogames I look forward to playing. I have pets. Don't care enough about them to want to stay. I used to love pokemon. I don't really give a shit about the new games coming out.

I'm just very apathetic to everything. Like, I'll enjoy media if it's already out. I have moments where I'm happy, but happiness or even contentness for the long term just doesn't exist for me.

 

[enjoythesilence]

I relate to being a booknerd, who will miss books in this life. Not being able to read anymore is actually a major contributing factor to my SI. Reading was once my lifeblood, so now that I no longer have the energy / focus / equilibrium / innocence to absorb and enjoy … well, I'm brain dead and it's private, personal proof that my time is up.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

There are a lot of books I would have liked to read... otherwise there isn't much I feel I'll miss out on. I think I experienced enough.

 

[Forveleth]

The things I would want to do are small bits of joy in between long stretches of misery. As most of my existence is misery, I will gladly forfeit doing the things I want to avoid suffering. Also, life is a ok short. Even if I made it to 100 I would still never do everything I wanted so it does not bother me to end my life now with things unaccomplished.