Hi, new here, reflecting

[fazzle]

Hi folks. Thank you for including me in this community. I've been reading posts here for months, never brave enough to register and contribute until now.

Quick summary. I'm in my 40s, male, never had a serious relationship or close friends and not really that close to family. I've been alone all my life, lived alone for over 18years, and been relatively content being by myself. Fairly good career, I don't worry about money at the moment. It feels like I've been living a life to work and please others. I'm tired of it.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 14, I've never spoken to anyone about it. This is the first time I'm even writing about it. I don't even think anyone suspects I feel this way.

I live in the UK. I've decided my time to leave is soon. I'll never have a family of my own, and I don't think aging further and living in the world as it is is for me. I've been reading posts about SN methods for a while and acquired 500g very easily online through what seems like a legit seller from Europe within 2 weeks (I will not share details, but I'm surprised how easy it was to obtain). I've been staring at the bottle for the last few hours as this could really be it for me, the reality is setting in. I want to test it first, sort some affairs and make a plan. I think I have 6months max. Thank you for having me here, I hope to contribute here in the best way I can in that time.

 

[Zardoz]

Thanks for sharing. (Also UK middle-aged M). Feel free to reach out any time.

 

[unluckysadness]

Welcome here and sorry that you're suffering so much

 

[darksouls]

hello and welcome to sasu

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu!

 

[metfan647]

Welcome

Another Brit here approaching middle age.

Do you plan to quit your job before? I'm likely to do so to keep a lower profile.

 

[fazzle]

Hi there, I've been contemplating this one also, but I think I'll quit soon for the same reason, I want to just slip out the side door with the least amount of attention. I've been fortunate in my career, probably the only thing I got right in my life, but what's the point in hating the 9-5 everyday, living for the weekend and having money but never being in a mindset to enjoy spending it. I hate the system we've all been coached into from birth.

Welcome

Another Brit here approaching middle age.

Do you plan to quit your job before? I'm likely to do so to keep a lower profile.

 

[metfan647]

I always thought getting a good career would solve all my problems and fix all my empty feelings and deep-seated frustrations. I never got that career, just jobs. At least the chase kept me busy for the last 20 years.

I think reaching a certain age we reach a sort of crossroads and that combined with long-standing suicidal thoughts will tip the scales. I wonder, if you did have a significant other and/or child, do you believe that'd make you hang on? I wonder in my case. Maybe I've subconsciously abstained from all of it because I've always known my fate.

 

[fazzle]

I always thought getting a good career would solve all my problems and fix all my empty feelings and deep-seated frustrations. I never got that career, just jobs. At least the chase kept me busy for the last 20 years.

I think reaching a certain age we reach a sort of crossroads and that combined with long-standing suicidal thoughts will tip the scales. I wonder, if you did have a significant other and/or child, do you believe that'd make you hang on? I wonder in my case. Maybe I've subconsciously abstained from all of it because I've always known my fate.

Your experience sounds very similar to mine! I also thought focusing on working would help fill the void but it never really has. Ive had a few relationships but I've now realised my lack of long term commitment ended them all, I think I knew I'd end up here and didn't want to burden anyone else. There was a time where I wanted a family but I just don't think I'm made from the same stuff as people who live out the template ideal life. I just don't want to get any older alone really, society has a way of making you feel like an outcast because your life didn't turn out the way it's "supposed" to.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Hello and welcome! Another 40s person here, workaholic till last year when my personal world fell apart. Without SaSu I would've been completely lost, I left my country and basically started over whilst suicidal, but it was the best thing for me. I can understand that you are tired of work and pleasing others, and I'm sorry for your pain in this life. I can also relate to the reality SN brings, even though I'm not sure yet if or when I may end up using it, it helps to have it. I wish you all the best on this journey, you are not alone here.