Venting getting glimpses of normalcy almost makes it worse

[orange]

I am absolutely socially retarded irl, i can only keep conversations with my partner who thinks i'm funny for some reason, and maybe her friends. as a result i'm socially starved and relentlessly bullied. i've only been to a club once when i was still a minor years ago and i left early with a panic attack. my life is literally a normie's quarantine life, and there was a literal mental health crisis during the fact in my country. quarantine just made my life slightly more bearable by shielding me from abuse.

anyways today i played games on a discord call with some people i met online, and the RELIEF right after was nuts. I could concentrate on studying and be productive for 20 minutes straight which for me is a fucking FEAT. I actually felt fine. I have a knot in my throat writing this. we really are social creatures. immediately after i became aware of what i was doing the moment passed and now i'm back to feeling miserable. normies really are living on easy mode. have you any idea of how much my grades would improve if i just felt like this all the time? it's actually impressive I can even pass any classes with how little actual study time i sneak in between ruminating on abuse and fantasizing about suicide.

i imagine how much better my brain would treat me if the thing that I dread and despise the most, social interaction, became a normal and enjoyable thing like it is for everyone else and I just :(

 

[CommitSudoku]

Every time the usual anxiety sets in I'm reminded as well that humans are social creatures. It hurts being unable to socialize or continually get worse. Or feeling like when you do socialize you're just dragging everyone down with you. I'm sorry the moment of relief couldn't last longer, I hope you can encounter more such moments.
I disagree a bit on normies though, but perhaps because my definition could just be an issue. Even happy, "normal," people have their own issues. Sometimes being able to attain happiness leads to it's own pain when it can be taken away. I don't think anyone is immune to some pain, just some are better at dealing with it or hiding it. Or else they might not have pain now but it will most likely hit later. This has become quite a downer, today was something haha

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I can imagine that it must be awful for things just to get worse again. This life can be very disappointing and it seems as though anything positive does not last long. I know that it can be dreadful living a miserable existence. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[OldDrummer]

i imagine how much better my brain would treat me if the thing that I dread and despise the most, social interaction, became a normal and enjoyable thing like it is for everyone else and I just :(

I had a late diagnosis of autism myself after my own son was diagnosed with autism himself aged three.

Like you, hated clubs, and any kind of 'forced' social interaction, was an only child, but that didn't mean that I didn't like the company of others, just on my terms.

It amuses me now how many young people romanticise how great growing up in the 80's must have been. For me it was hell. Like the lyrics from that Rush song went "Be cool or be cast out".

Seek out your own kind and socialise with them, even online.

Life can be sweet, but play it like a game according to your own rules and f*ck everyone else.