Freaknik
Member
- Nov 12, 2023
- 17
This past week, things have gotten worse for me. My suicidal ideation is typically cyclical — it's always there, but it varies in intensity every few weeks. It's like a giant weight is on my chest, taking my breath away. I've cried these past two nights, because I don't see a future worth living for, at least not in this body.
I'm absolutely disgusted by my appearance and, while I've held things together for a while, the thoughts come back and hit hard. I try to push them away, but they always return and knock me to my knees. I think I have real jaw issues, but everyone around says I look fine. I'm not delusional, but I feel that way when I'm dismissed. Though, people actually treat me very well. Maybe they can see passed my looks?
I've created meaning in my life by working at a daycare, and I've created some strong bonds with the children and their parents. People continue to tell me this, "You've already built so much meaning at such a young age." I hold it together at work, but I feel terrible once I leave. Sometimes, I don't want to leave because of how I'll feel when I return home.
I feel the same as I did 5 years ago, and it's like I'm spinning in circles. Life has never been good to me, it's always been full of struggles. I'm the same miserable prick I was since puberty.
Some days I think I could really CTB, and other days I'm afraid. Though, I've actually begun to accept that I'll probably CTB, and some days I'm not scared at all. We all return to the void, I'd just do it earlier and on my own terms.
I'm absolutely disgusted by my appearance and, while I've held things together for a while, the thoughts come back and hit hard. I try to push them away, but they always return and knock me to my knees. I think I have real jaw issues, but everyone around says I look fine. I'm not delusional, but I feel that way when I'm dismissed. Though, people actually treat me very well. Maybe they can see passed my looks?
I've created meaning in my life by working at a daycare, and I've created some strong bonds with the children and their parents. People continue to tell me this, "You've already built so much meaning at such a young age." I hold it together at work, but I feel terrible once I leave. Sometimes, I don't want to leave because of how I'll feel when I return home.
I feel the same as I did 5 years ago, and it's like I'm spinning in circles. Life has never been good to me, it's always been full of struggles. I'm the same miserable prick I was since puberty.
Some days I think I could really CTB, and other days I'm afraid. Though, I've actually begun to accept that I'll probably CTB, and some days I'm not scared at all. We all return to the void, I'd just do it earlier and on my own terms.
