Venting Future plans…just in case.

[otomedissection]

I know I'm 90% just talking out of my ass right now because I'm in a bad place at the moment, but maybe writing out my "just in case" plan will somehow help. I know I shouldn't put timers on myself as it only places me under more pressure, but I'm somewhat considering CTB after I turn 30 next year if things don't improve for me.

I'm working so hard to feel normal and just function like a normal person, but nothing helps. I've been on over 12 different meditations, been doing therapy, been doing EDMR, been getting spravato treatments, but I still just feel like a slightly more numb version of myself. I'm technically "successful" in the way that I have a graduate degree and a job, but that doesn't mean shit other than that I'm able to at least afford some things. I'm just so alone that it's almost embarrassing, and going into my 30's still so emotionally fragile just isn't something I want to do. Everyone says I'm loved, but I don't feel loved. I don't think people would be happy to see me go, but I don't think it'd be all that devastating for them either.

So, just in case…4/30/27 is a date I'm considering. The very end of my birthday month. As for method, I'd have no idea. Getting my hands on SN seems feasible, or even just screwing around with no regard to my safety and having some kind of tragic accident (not where anyone else could be involved of course). Like I said, I'm mostly talking out of my ass and thinking of ways to CTB is nothing new to me, but actually writing down a date and potential method feels somewhat cathartic. I just hate living and feeling constantly judged by everyone.

 

[otomedissection]

Updating this thread to say maybe I'm not talking out of my ass as much as I thought. Even though I'm still wanting recovery, CTB sounds more and more appealing each day. And I feel like maybe by the time I reach April of next year, I'll be almost if not fully on board. I just have zero clue what to even do. No method sounds appealing to me in the slightest and I wish someone would just do it for me. I'm still going to pretty much throw all of my safety out the window, which is what I do most days anyway. Like I'll need Tylenol for a headache or something and just take any random amount of pills without looking. Same with Benadryl, which apparently can give you brain damage, but I honestly don't care anymore. I've started walking around outside at night alone and hoping that I end up in the wrong place at wrong time and someone decides to kill me. Again, not the wisest or most pleasant method but I'm seriously such a coward that I know I won't be able to do it myself.