setianism
Member
- Sep 15, 2018
- 72
I've told myself I'd get sober starting yesterday, yet I've drank during the day (had a 2 months sober streak) and had done 3-mmc at night so I could "stay awake and work" (spoiler it didn't work and I fell asleep). Today I keep drinking and wasting time instead of studying for my upcoming exams or finishing some underpaid gig. Every time my head tells me I'm addicted to drugs or alcohol I say some people have it worse, but for how long I can keep on saying this to myself? And for how long I can keep on neglecting my studies?
I've been suicidal for years and every time my justification for staying alive was that soon I'd start a new chapter of my life (university) and I can take everything from ground zero. I'm on the brink of finishing high school, yet I don't feel the slightest motivation to further advance my education and career. My self-destructive thought process tells me I should just self sabotage my life to have an "actual" reason to finally overcome my survival instinct and hang myself (failed partial suspension a couple of times due to this). To add to this, the only person I ever loved broke up with me 6 months ago and since then we've interrupted all contact as they wished. Since then my only palpable reason for staying alive disappeared and so did the last bit of emotions; I've been emotionless for half a year and I absolutely hate it; I don't know how much I can keep going.
Sorry for this rant, I never told anyone this because I don't want to start psychotherapy again
I've been suicidal for years and every time my justification for staying alive was that soon I'd start a new chapter of my life (university) and I can take everything from ground zero. I'm on the brink of finishing high school, yet I don't feel the slightest motivation to further advance my education and career. My self-destructive thought process tells me I should just self sabotage my life to have an "actual" reason to finally overcome my survival instinct and hang myself (failed partial suspension a couple of times due to this). To add to this, the only person I ever loved broke up with me 6 months ago and since then we've interrupted all contact as they wished. Since then my only palpable reason for staying alive disappeared and so did the last bit of emotions; I've been emotionless for half a year and I absolutely hate it; I don't know how much I can keep going.
Sorry for this rant, I never told anyone this because I don't want to start psychotherapy again
