Venting Chronically ill, how could i continue?

[FloatingJellyfish]

So it's been 4 years since I became chronically ill. And throughout my whole life, I've been depressed. But right now, for once in my life, I actually have a life I want to achieve—but I can't. Physically, that is. Life has a way to always torture one, I suppose. But I genuinely don't even know how to live anymore now.

After 4 years of continuous chronic illness, it looks like I will remain in pain for the rest of my days. Just a week ago, I was in the hospital due to a severe crisis that left me bedbound for days. As I visited the neurologist today, I was told that I will have to live my life with the least impact possible. That is, just taking care of my basic human needs and keeping calm. No work, no education, no nothing that could cause any ounce of stress.

I don't live in the best home life. I don't want to get deeper into it, but it's not a stable place for me to be in. I live in a corrupt country that won't help me either. Right now, I'm under parental mercy for finances, housing, and necessities—which is not great, because of a bad family life, like I said. That causes a lot of my crises.

Regardless, after today I came to the conclusion: what is my life even worth living now? Not only can't I hold down any job—believe me, I have tried—I can't even keep an online study course going because I end up three times a week in heavy pain in my bed. I can't go outside too often because my body just won't support it. So what now? I won't ever move out? I will stay in this toxic place forever? What will happen once everyone is dead—will I become homeless? What about my dreams? I have to give up on them now. I couldn't even mop the floor the other day without almost fainting.

And my dreams of getting into a relationship, marrying, having kids? Who would take on a burden like me? How could I even be a good mother when my health is so poor? I already struggle being a good dog owner. How will I ever survive or thrive on my own? And it all is really just a punch in my face, because after two decades of being in absolute despair and depression, I had finally started wanting to live again—just for my health to kill my hopes instead.

I don't want to die, but it seems like there is no other way. There is no worth for me in living. Besides my dog, that is. I can't stay here—it's making me worse—but there is no way of living for me. So why should I live? To be in constant pain? To fall into poverty, homelessness, etc.? To never be loved or cared for? To never fulfill any of my dreams? To never have my own family? To just be in physical pain all day, every day, forever?

I don't want to die, but that isn't being alive. So why be in pain?

I just wish an angel would come and save me and love me and care for me, so that I wouldn't at least be alone in my pain.

 

[peacebenow]

Just know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Sending moments of peace to you tonight.

 

[wannabeangel]

struggling with the same thoughts, it's hard to see some sort of meaning when existing brings pain. it's about 7 years since my chronic illnesses/disabilities got worse in my teens. i dont exactly want to die either, i just want to be out of this body and brain. i was lucky to have someone who at one point didnt care about my disabilities and loved me anyways and took care of me, so its not impossible, but i was an idiot and ruined that future for myself. but that shows its still possible, even with health being terrible, so its not bad to hold onto that hope still. but i understand how difficult that can be. i hope that somehow things get easier for you

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

That's neither for me or anyone to decide.

1. "You cannot please everyone; control the things you can control." ~Suncha Ferreira (Victus Group)/Mark 8:36, Matthew 13:12

2. The grass withers, the flowers fade, because the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever. (Isaiah 40:7-8)

3. The world hates liabilities, and would rather they not exist, as much as the rules dictate that all life is inherently valuable. (Proverbs 25:17)

• Even in a community of liabilities, there is no place for a liability. (John 15:18)

Therefore, as much as I desire to live, and that a world without me would be awfully dull and grey, this isn't up to me; if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and the whole world forsake me, the Lord will bring me up. (Esther 4:11, Psalm 27:10)

 

[FloatingJellyfish]

struggling with the same thoughts, it's hard to see some sort of meaning when existing brings pain. it's about 7 years since my chronic illnesses/disabilities got worse in my teens. i dont exactly want to die either, i just want to be out of this body and brain. i was lucky to have someone who at one point didnt care about my disabilities and loved me anyways and took care of me, so its not impossible, but i was an idiot and ruined that future for myself. but that shows its still possible, even with health being terrible, so its not bad to hold onto that hope still. but i understand how difficult that can be. i hope that somehow things get easier for you

Thank you I hope the same for you. 4 years been already horrible, I can't imagine even going to 7. You've been so strong getting that far, im sure you will find love again since you did it once already. I appreciate the nice words and hope things will get easier for you as well