Feeling happy and excited to CTB

[catsarecool]

Is anyone else at a point where they feel so happy and excited to have a plan and a way out? I can't wait to get the stuff for SN. I feel like this is a huge weight off my chest and I can finally see things clearly and enjoy life. It's kinda sad how this is the happiest I've been in a while.

I was feeling really suicidal and depressed a few weeks back and thought that when those feelings would mellow I would go back to wanting to die but not being able to go through it. But now I'm even more determined.

 

[nerve]

I think I get what you mean. I think lots of people here do. Having that sense of direction and power and control is really soothing.

I used to cry a lot over the thought of ctbing, but not so much anymore. It's more upsetting to think about what the future might hold if I choose to go on. The longer I stay alive and suffer, the less I care about how sad and unfair it would be if I ctbed. Ending the pain and shame and uncertainty seems more important.

Sometimes it feels like suicide is the only thing I've ever been passionate about.

 

[Djfrend]

The days I am most peaceful are the days i am certain i am gunna ctb soon. My severe anxiety and insomnia resulting from a nasty chronic gastro disease has made my life and future a waking nightmare. The nights i can get a couple hours of sleep are when i have become so suicidal that nothing matters anymore. I swear death is playing a horrid game with me. If i try fight the urges, my hell intensifies. Plus, i just found out that apart from the SN itself, i have actually just been prescribed the other items on the shopping list needed for that method!. fate is fucking with me. my original method is ctb by hanging which doesn not really make me happy as this is steeped in anxiety for obvious reasons. Just wish i could get hold of SN, that would make me so much more able to get through the days and nights. Currently on an average of 2hrs sleep a night. Life is in ruins and until i have the method totally sorted, the prospect of ctb doesnt make me as happy as i should be about it.

 

[maru.]

I think you guys are spot on.
I can't help but think that the day i get my SN will be the happiest of my life.
Just, you know, the comfort it brings, the idea that all of your fears for the future won't come true, because you won't be here to see it.
It's so comfortable having this possibility, the one to quit if things are just too much, instead of being forced to bear with it.

 

[FreddieQuell]

I completely get you. I felt such relief when I found the exit through the help of this forum that it's allowed me to carry on for a bit longer and take care of stuff. Just knowing I've got a way out is such a liberating feeling.