Venting Do you really actually wanna CTB?

[lastappleonearth]

I'm kinda new, given that some users even have been active for 2 or more years here.

But from my own experience irl and reading tons of threads, I can clearly see that some of you don't actually want to ctb.

I will say some things that will piss some of you.

I ain't a pro-lifer, I'm pro choice, nobody asked to be born but we all should be able to decide for our own life, having said this:

Some of you are young, like really young, I'm young too (over 25 but below 30) and I don't have health problems I just made some decisions that will cripple all my life going forward and I'm just exhausted, let's highlight that, exhausted, and I know FOR A FACT that It will get a lot, a lot harder.

Cuz I've tried, trust me, I've tried with all my heart and all my strength but still...for my own faults and external forces, i arrived to the conclusion that I want, I need to ctb (it will also remove some burdens to my close ones)

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

But some of you, don't really want to CTB, trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

All this things like everything else takes time but at least try, please, keep trying.

You are not terminally ill, you are free, you probably don't have debts, you probably can turn your life around.

And from what I've read some of you are just here seeking for attention, keep in mind that I hate you. I'd wish to have your life and your opportunities, just like someone else would like to be in my own life as well.

I'm an hypocrite, but at least, I aint coming here to be time wasting just because I had a "lil phase", go do something for real and THEN if you still want to CTB, come back here. Don't waste yourself for some minor and irrelevant stuff. C'mon.

There is someone here that is so sick that each day is a suffering, some people here actually won't have nothing going for them if they actually tried. Damn just by not being homeless is something that you should be happy about.

But still, you have to decide for yourself and yourself only, just be 100% sure if you want to CTB and if you're not 100% sure go LIVE YOUR LIFE, it will end anyway.

And I think that I wrote this thread for myself too...but I'm hopeless.

I mean sure, the environment, which surrounds you does affect you in a lot of ways and for a lot of people, who are stuck in unpleasant environments a change would prob help. The thing is that there will almost always be people, who'd wish to be in your specific situation, instead of their own, for various reasons. They see opportunities and possibilities, which you yourself can't see. You can also endlessly compare your own situation to other people's situations and come to the conclusion, that they have it worse and that means that your suffering is less justified, but suffering is always subjective. You can have it all from the perspective of someone else, who just views you from the outside, but you yourself can still suffer immensely and there's no way for anyone to look inside you and fully understand your suffering. I think, there's no need to justify suffering and to endlessly compare, it doesn't lead anywhere. It makes people feel invalidated in a way and they will not just stop suffering, because you tell them that they have it better than other people, just doesn't work that way. It'll only make them feel even worse about themselves and continue the vicious cycle, in which they have found themselves in.

Also I don't think that there's something inherently wrong with seeking attention, human beings crave attention and if you are very lonely, then it's normal for you to seek out some kind of attention, even if it's just online. In any case, I think that compassion and kindness are most important. You can never know how deeply a person feels pain, even tough this persons circumstances might to you seem not all that bad, but that simply does not matter

Drugs r only a temporary solution that provides more problems, from which you'll try to escape with more drugs, which will cause more problems, I don't recommend recommending that to people that are already at a weak spot of their life it's kinda fucked up actually

True, drugs don't lead anywhere good. I've been abusing xanax for a while and I'd never recommend it to anyone, it makes you temporarily feel better, but in the end it fucks u up even more. Same goes for any kind of drug rlly

 

[am045]

The thing is - Once important things go very wrong in your life, there is literally nothing you can do about them. You cannot go back in time, you cannot fix them. You just have to deal with the outcome for the rest of your life. Every time I get hopeful of the future, I am brought back down to reality. And my everyday reality is not good. Every time I tell myself that things will work out, I know that the things I wanted to work out did not. So at the end of the day, that leaves you with no choice other than to say that maybe calling it quits is not really a bad idea, given your everyday circumstances.

 

[StarsAbove]

I'm kinda new, given that some users even have been active for 2 or more years here.

But from my own experience irl and reading tons of threads, I can clearly see that some of you don't actually want to ctb.

I will say some things that will piss some of you.

I ain't a pro-lifer, I'm pro choice, nobody asked to be born but we all should be able to decide for our own life, having said this:

Some of you are young, like really young, I'm young too (over 25 but below 30) and I don't have health problems I just made some decisions that will cripple all my life going forward and I'm just exhausted, let's highlight that, exhausted, and I know FOR A FACT that It will get a lot, a lot harder.

Cuz I've tried, trust me, I've tried with all my heart and all my strength but still...for my own faults and external forces, i arrived to the conclusion that I want, I need to ctb (it will also remove some burdens to my close ones)

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

But some of you, don't really want to CTB, trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

All this things like everything else takes time but at least try, please, keep trying.

You are not terminally ill, you are free, you probably don't have debts, you probably can turn your life around.

And from what I've read some of you are just here seeking for attention, keep in mind that I hate you. I'd wish to have your life and your opportunities, just like someone else would like to be in my own life as well.

I'm an hypocrite, but at least, I aint coming here to be time wasting just because I had a "lil phase", go do something for real and THEN if you still want to CTB, come back here. Don't waste yourself for some minor and irrelevant stuff. C'mon.

There is someone here that is so sick that each day is a suffering, some people here actually won't have nothing going for them if they actually tried. Damn just by not being homeless is something that you should be happy about.

But still, you have to decide for yourself and yourself only, just be 100% sure if you want to CTB and if you're not 100% sure go LIVE YOUR LIFE, it will end anyway.

And I think that I wrote this thread for myself too...but I'm hopeless.

Do I want to? Yes and no. Im 38 and im getting really sick of this shit. I have been depressed most of my life. I did not think I would live past my adolescence but I held onto hope that things would get better when I got older and some of it did and I am lucky to have some of the things I have in my life. However, I cannot seem to connect deeply with others. I guess aside from some of you fine folks here. I guess I should just try to be around more depressed people eh?

What is a life without quality relationships? Who cares about the other stuff. With me there is a wall up that I cant figure out how to break down. I feel sad and lonely, even when I am with my friends because I feel misunderstood and weird, and our interactions are surface level. I am neurodivergent and that is likely a part of it, but I cant change that and it makes me hate myself. If I had people in my life that really valued me for who I am and we could connect on a mental and emotional level, no - I would not want to ctb.

I have do have to engage in a lot of personal development and wellness routines to just keep myself at a neutral baseline, not even happy, at least not most of the time and it feels like work, but when I don't do it I crash. I wish I could live like everyone else and I really dont think that is possible

 

[aunaltravita]

Yes Idk why society has decided to gloss over all the downsides and risks of smoking weed like none of it is problematic. There are also other serious issues like paranoia and flattened affect that are somehow not real I guess. I'm not saying everybody is gonna have bad consequences from smoking weed it depends for sure on your age, your personality and how much you smoke and I totally get that for some people it's a lifesaver medical aid but it can definitely mess you up quite a bit.

In my own experience, it amplifies your current state and also depends on your predisposition to said things: paranoia, depression, anxiety etc

I also noted that people that tend to abuse any kind of substance can and will probably spiral downwards anyway in some form or the other. I saw many people being functional and living even if they kept using cocaine almost everyday or here and there, so there's just something different either biologically or psychologically. It seems that my ironic suggestion triggered some of you, as it should, cuz you know it's not something that should be done (and I know that personally)

Yeah, I do. Have for years, and I'm happy with my decision.

I'm not homeless or the other things you mentioned necessarily, but that's my decision. I'm not sure who the people are seeking attention on here, but if it keeps them alive sobeit.

I'm glad you don't necessarily want to die, but a lot of people on here do. Theres such a misconception that EVERYONE who wants to die wants to "end their suffering" but this isn't the case with everyone. Some of us actually just don't want to live.

I always get the feeling that the majority are indeed very young. It really bothers me being old (60+) because I might be giving the impression that the best thing for these young people is to die. After all, what is the point of living to reach my age—unhappy and wishing for death? On the other hand, there is no way for me to know the nature of anyone's experiences or the intensity of their suffering. I notice people with socialization issues, people struggling with sexuality or acceptance, people with financial problems, and many others. There are also those with physical health issues, and so on. But I don't know if they also have chemical imbalances in the brain that exacerbate these issues. And we all know the brain is an organ that can get sick just like any other. My case, specifically, is 90% tied to the nature of existence itself. I view life as a biological process that began randomly and will end the same way. There is no meaning, no purpose, nothing supernatural, etc. It is merely a repetitive program that gradually drains one's physical and mental strength, all without purpose. I could write a lot about these feelings, but I no longer have the patience. If I could offer any advice to young people, I would say: Try to experience more of this idiotic life until you reach the point where the only way out is to end it all. Why? Because that brings a certain mental comfort. One of the reasons I am still alive—beyond the basic instinct shared by all forms of life, even after so many years of wishing for death—is my acceptance of the reality I have experienced and observed throughout my life: existence is the result of an accident or chance; existing means fulfilling a biological program; the human species is no different from any other, except for its self-awareness. We aren't special just because chance gave us consciousness through an evolutionary process. Ultimately, we are an accident, and death brings the end. There isn't much of a choice: either we end the process ourselves, or we wait for it to run its course. The latter option can be painful, slow, and humiliating—to the point where one loses all autonomy.

I drag myself through life, doing things I don't want to do, talking to people I don't want to talk to, going to a job I don't want. Existing in a world I don't want to be in. I feel like just another insect following its programming, but with the added burden of being aware of the futility of it all. Yet, so far, I haven't managed to break free—more out of a lack of method than any desire to remain here.

I want to CTB. I'm 28 now and have wanted to since I was in middle school. So that's 15 years.

That said, I also want my cat to be provided for. I bounce back and forth between whether my desire to end it all is more important than my duty to her. I don't want her to be in a situation where her well-being is compromised. I love her.

Realistically, my love for her is what's prevented me from sliding further. But it doesn't remove that underlying urge. That's the point. I am still depressed as hell.

Sounds fun /s. I do the same thing. Difference between us, other than age (I'm 36) is I broke free (tried to) by selling my house and moving to the countryside. But it's actually an exchange of one kind of survival to another. The one is capitalistic, grinding, slaving away under a paper contract. The next is more frugal, trying to grow your own food, fixing your own house and getting by trying to make ends meet on a more autonomous level. The latter does feel slightly better, but I am like you. I don't see any purpose anymore. At my age, I should have probably procreated to fool my biology into having a sense of meaning, but at this stage I'm just keeping myself alive to see the next day of work and boredom coming in, only to be left wondering what it is all about.

I look at the stars and I dream. I see the planets carelessly toiling in the night sky and I wonder what it means. I never felt at home here, and I doubt I ever will. But for now I have to stay, for a little while longer still.

Not everyone has complex problems like homelessness, debt, addictions, terminal illnesses etc. Obviously I do agree its way harder for those with those problems but i don't think its appropriate to downplay those who have other problems going on. Its easy to say its easy for us to turn our lives around but some of us just don't have the energy or interest to do so. I don't want to go into details on the things that happened to me but for many years ive always felt like life is meaningless or my life is worthless. I just tried ignoring these thoughts over the years and keeping myself busy with other activities. But over the past year even thats getting harder. I can barely do anything now. I haven't worked in 3 months. Haven't been eating well and lost 10 kg. I've tried getting better but my country overall is just not a good environment. The waitlists for therapy or a psychiatric consultation are too long. Can take upto 2-3 months. Only chance you have of getting one is doing an attempt dangerous enough to be hospitalized by which the government will step in and make emergency appointments. Its a pain in the ass. Im not really interested in getting help anymore. I am still scared to take my life but i have made my decision and i plan to follow through it in the next few weeks or maybe days. This world is just not meant for me

I mean sure, the environment, which surrounds you does affect you in a lot of ways and for a lot of people, who are stuck in unpleasant environments a change would prob help. The thing is that there will almost always be people, who'd wish to be in your specific situation, instead of their own, for various reasons. They see opportunities and possibilities, which you yourself can't see. You can also endlessly compare your own situation to other people's situations and come to the conclusion, that they have it worse and that means that your suffering is less justified, but suffering is always subjective. You can have it all from the perspective of someone else, who just views you from the outside, but you yourself can still suffer immensely and there's no way for anyone to look inside you and fully understand your suffering. I think, there's no need to justify suffering and to endlessly compare, it doesn't lead anywhere. It makes people feel invalidated in a way and they will not just stop suffering, because you tell them that they have it better than other people, just doesn't work that way. It'll only make them feel even worse about themselves and continue the vicious cycle, in which they have found themselves in.

Also I don't think that there's something inherently wrong with seeking attention, human beings crave attention and if you are very lonely, then it's normal for you to seek out some kind of attention, even if it's just online. In any case, I think that compassion and kindness are most important. You can never know how deeply a person feels pain, even tough this persons circumstances might to you seem not all that bad, but that simply does not matter

True, drugs don't lead anywhere good. I've been abusing xanax for a while and I'd never recommend it to anyone, it makes you temporarily feel better, but in the end it fucks u up even more. Same goes for any kind of drug rlly

The thing is - Once important things go very wrong in your life, there is literally nothing you can do about them. You cannot go back in time, you cannot fix them. You just have to deal with the outcome for the rest of your life. Every time I get hopeful of the future, I am brought back down to reality. And my everyday reality is not good. Every time I tell myself that things will work out, I know that the things I wanted to work out did not. So at the end of the day, that leaves you with no choice other than to say that maybe calling it quits is not really a bad idea, given your everyday circumstances.

Do I want to? Yes and no. Im 38 and im getting really sick of this shit. I have been depressed most of my life. I did not think I would live past my adolescence but I held onto hope that things would get better when I got older and some of it did and I am lucky to have some of the things I have in my life. However, I cannot seem to connect deeply with others. I guess aside from some of you fine folks here. I guess I should just try to be around more depressed people eh?

What is a life without quality relationships? Who cares about the other stuff. With me there is a wall up that I cant figure out how to break down. I feel sad and lonely, even when I am with my friends because I feel misunderstood and weird, and our interactions are surface level. I am neurodivergent and that is likely a part of it, but I cant change that and it makes me hate myself. If I had people in my life that really valued me for who I am and we could connect on a mental and emotional level, no - I would not want to ctb.

I have do have to engage in a lot of personal development and wellness routines to just keep myself at a neutral baseline, not even happy, at least not most of the time and it feels like work, but when I don't do it I crash. I wish I could live like everyone else and I really dont think that is possible

Ye there's no really dumb people here, each message I quoted has some sort of meta-cognitive analysis on life, people that can just "live it trough" just seem to not see the system we live in or just seem to not care at all and be contempt with it.

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

I can feel that if I didn't had the capacity to approximately project my coming years I would not want to CTB, I'd just go with it, and, for someone to say that it's gonna be useless to even try means that they actually weighted all options and arrived to the conclusion that CTB is just the best outcome overall.

Myself, too, I could just go back in my country and keep on living but for what? To be "enslaved" in the system and just keep on "living" but with an even bigger burden that now? No thanks.

But having double thoughts regarding the well being of our loved ones, making sure they are ok after our departure, it's something that fascinates me so much...because CTB is the most selfish and highest form of self love that someone could do, but still, for some of us, we still want to make sure that OTHER people will be ok. Ironic, even if for some they don't really care about others.

The myth of Sisyphus, is the one that I see is really burdening us all.

 

[Argent]

In my own experience, it amplifies your current state and also depends on your predisposition to said things: paranoia, depression, anxiety etc

I also noted that people that tend to abuse any kind of substance can and will probably spiral downwards anyway in some form or the other. I saw many people being functional and living even if they kept using cocaine almost everyday or here and there, so there's just something different either biologically or psychologically. It seems that my ironic suggestion triggered some of you, as it should, cuz you know it's not something that should be done (and I know that personally)



















Ye there's no really dumb people here, each message I quoted has some sort of meta-cognitive analysis on life, people that can just "live it trough" just seem to not see the system we live in or just seem to not care at all and be contempt with it.

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

I can feel that if I didn't had the capacity to approximately project my coming years I would not want to CTB, I'd just go with it, and, for someone to say that it's gonna be useless to even try means that they actually weighted all options and arrived to the conclusion that CTB is just the best outcome overall.

Myself, too, I could just go back in my country and keep on living but for what? To be "enslaved" in the system and just keep on "living" but with an even bigger burden that now? No thanks.

But having double thoughts regarding the well being of our loved ones, making sure they are ok after our departure, it's something that fascinates me so much...because CTB is the most selfish and highest form of self love that someone could do, but still, for some of us, we still want to make sure that OTHER people will be ok. Ironic, even if for some they don't really care about others.

The myth of Sisyphus, is the one that I see is really burdening us all.

Probably, yeah. Knowing that it doesn't have to be this way but is is a big part of the problem.

 

[hdead]

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

The myth of Sisyphus, is the one that I see is really burdening us all.

I think you're right on the money with that. Some days I wish a was a little more dumb and blind to it all. Being somewhat hyper cognizant and having the cognitive ability to wonder about things intelligently does sometimes weigh me down like some curse. I remember when I was a child and I would look at pictures of nebulas and planets my mind was already going to 'Why, how, what is this, how did it come into being, what does it mean'. Also having a good memory and a brain that loves just throwing these memories back at me, it makes it hard to forget and move on from stuff I've seen in the past. Hitting a nail in a piece of wood does wonders these days, not gonna lie. But not a day goes by where my mind wants to spiral on the bigger questions.

I hadn't heard of the myth of Sisyphus, but it does nicely encompass my troubles indeed.

I have come to find though, that human connection gives the most meaning. If you find a person that you resonate deeply and you want to care for, it immediately sparks back some kind of hope and life that wasn't there before. However, that has troubles of its own which can then send you right back down the whole from whence one came.

 

[StarsAbove]

But having double thoughts regarding the well being of our loved ones, making sure they are ok after our departure, it's something that fascinates me so much...because CTB is the most selfish and highest form of self love that someone could do, but still, for some of us, we still want to make sure that OTHER people will be ok. Ironic, even if for some they don't really care about others.

I think part of our problem sometimes is recognizing when people care, myself included. In my darker moments, I think no one cares and would be better off without me. I hesitate to know for sure and feel like maybe its somewhere in the middle. Of anyone in my life, I am pretty sure I am no one's favorite. Then i think, maybe I am just tolerated....and then it snowballs from there. I know I need to be my own favorite. Thats what I need to work on but it is hard

 

[aunaltravita]

I think you're right on the money with that. Some days I wish a was a little more dumb and blind to it all. Being somewhat hyper cognizant and having the cognitive ability to wonder about things intelligently does sometimes weigh me down like some curse. I remember when I was a child and I would look at pictures of nebulas and planets my mind was already going to 'Why, how, what is this, how did it come into being, what does it mean'. Also having a good memory and a brain that loves just throwing these memories back at me, it makes it hard to forget and move on from stuff I've seen in the past. Hitting a nail in a piece of wood does wonders these days, not gonna lie. But not a day goes by where my mind wants to spiral on the bigger questions.

I hadn't heard of the myth of Sisyphus, but it does nicely encompass my troubles indeed.

I have come to find though, that human connection gives the most meaning. If you find a person that you resonate deeply and you want to care for, it immediately sparks back some kind of hope and life that wasn't there before. However, that has troubles of its own which can then send you right back down the whole from whence one came.

I think that high cognitive activity is directly related to depression. It's like thinking is poisonous, because, just like many posts I've read about it, if I'm occupied with some manual tasks where I can just "turn off" my brain I'm good, it's in the "boring" times that I see my mind drifting where it shouldn't, that was the main meaning of "keep trying", the only issue is that those "dead times" will come and will be present in one way or another and it's difficult to be doing something 24/7, especially for people that do not actually have the physical capabilities to do so or the mental energy to even get out of bed.

I think part of our problem sometimes is recognizing when people care, myself included. In my darker moments, I think no one cares and would be better off without me. I hesitate to know for sure and feel like maybe its somewhere in the middle. Of anyone in my life, I am pretty sure I am no one's favorite. Then i think, maybe I am just tolerated....and then it snowballs from there. I know I need to be my own favorite. Thats what I need to work on but it is hard

See, when I'm in a good mood I think that some people actually care, but then, I start to see things realistically and start to see that people do not actually care unless it's for themselves, it may be a selfish way of seeing the world but as I said before: each one of us feels and actually is the main character of our own movie (life). Yes, people will actually be sad, care, for someone and something but in the end of the day it's just them with their own thoughts and their own image. Each one thinks about its own life not the other way around, even when people say like: oh you can do it, I believe in you! But it's just to be nice because of societal norms not because someone actually believes it, don't know if I said it correctly.

People are irrational and hypocritical, there is no one excluded. Some of you will say: oh keep trying, don't tear yourself down, after reading about someone that failed his attempt.

But you wouldn't say that to yourself, get it? Empathy does exist ma still, everything feels so fake to me cuz everytime I be thinking positively something happens that will put my feet back on the ground and remind me that nothing matter, we'll all die, and the only things that really matters don't really matter at all when you're 6 feet deep.

Someone talked about successfull musicians...I got to a point where I recently was kinda famous, not sucessfull in terms of money, but got recognition and everything and I can tell you for a fact: it went all down from there, and, for a few reasons of it because of me.

But trust me, you don't want to feel down like this and know that random people in the street will recognize you and will try to talk to you, it's a whole different feeling, because I don't wanna be seen I just wanna be invisible but you can't. Fortunately now it's easier as I have disappeared online, but it was kinda hard months before

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

I wanna die so badly I'm just scared of the pain and messing up and ending up worse off than before