Venting Do you really actually wanna CTB?

[aunaltravita]

I'm kinda new, given that some users even have been active for 2 or more years here.

But from my own experience irl and reading tons of threads, I can clearly see that some of you don't actually want to ctb.

I will say some things that will piss some of you.

I ain't a pro-lifer, I'm pro choice, nobody asked to be born but we all should be able to decide for our own life, having said this:

Some of you are young, like really young, I'm young too (over 25 but below 30) and I don't have health problems I just made some decisions that will cripple all my life going forward and I'm just exhausted, let's highlight that, exhausted, and I know FOR A FACT that It will get a lot, a lot harder.

Cuz I've tried, trust me, I've tried with all my heart and all my strength but still...for my own faults and external forces, i arrived to the conclusion that I want, I need to ctb (it will also remove some burdens to my close ones)

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

But some of you, don't really want to CTB, trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

All this things like everything else takes time but at least try, please, keep trying.

You are not terminally ill, you are free, you probably don't have debts, you probably can turn your life around.

And from what I've read some of you are just here seeking for attention, keep in mind that I hate you. I'd wish to have your life and your opportunities, just like someone else would like to be in my own life as well.

I'm an hypocrite, but at least, I aint coming here to be time wasting just because I had a "lil phase", go do something for real and THEN if you still want to CTB, come back here. Don't waste yourself for some minor and irrelevant stuff. C'mon.

There is someone here that is so sick that each day is a suffering, some people here actually won't have nothing going for them if they actually tried. Damn just by not being homeless is something that you should be happy about.

But still, you have to decide for yourself and yourself only, just be 100% sure if you want to CTB and if you're not 100% sure go LIVE YOUR LIFE, it will end anyway.

And I think that I wrote this thread for myself too...but I'm hopeless.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I want to die because Im tired of suffering. But if I didn't suffer I would still not care if I lived or died because I haven't been happy or had a single small pleasurable experience for many years and can no longer remember it or imagine it in my future

 

[aunaltravita]

I want to die because Im tired of suffering. But if I didn't suffer I would still not care if I lived or died because I haven't been happy or had a single small pleasurable experience for many years and can no longer remember it or imagine it in my future

Have you tried drugs?

 

[infinitanocte]

I have to agree that it's concerning to me how young some of the users on this site are :( As always, situations are complex and vary by person. There are indeed plenty of people whom I think could benefit from a change, as you said, and similarly, also people who are suffering every day, as you said.
I think some people here are just seeking community with others who share similar feelings and don't seriously intend to ctb. So even if it's a "little phase," as you say, this community serves a certain purpose.
Also, I think it's definitely become a habit for me to think about whenever things are bad (or always bad), like a last resort that I lean on or habitually think of, although I don't actually plan on ctb at this time.

The issue with trying to change things to improve is that I sometimes see depression as learned helplessness. After making a lot of effort to make change or try but then being disheartened by how the situation or my feelings don't change, I find it difficult to believe that things will improve or that it's worth trying to change. Right now, I'm at the point where I am realizing that some things can make a difference, but it can still be really hard to make the effort to change or do things out of fear of disappointment.

 

[sacrilegeofsouls]

It's not just about environment or opportunities or even success in life though. mental health is a big factor and alot of people here have chronic mental conditions me myself like you said I have everything a guy could have in life every opportunity my parents are affluent they love me I have such a great future ahead of me but the thing is regardless of all that due to me having severe ocd I can't even be happy or content I feel so disgusting and horrid all the time but that whole rant has already been discussed but yeah it's a very hard and CHRONIC condition meaning it can't ever be fully cured but still this isn't even the worst or atleast my case isn't the worst compared to alot of people here they have it even worse bpd schizophrenia deepest depths of depression stemming from reasons that go far beyond basic things like money financial stability etc etc.it could be things regarding their own identity for example but not limited to gender dysphoria. You ever wonder why so many famous musicians kill themselves?
I mean they've practically won life but life goes
A whole lot deeper than financial success
And with all this it's very easy to realize or atleast feel like no matter what you do your suffering will remain and whatever the reality may be those feelings are still very true and something they experience. So for some it's not that they are doing it for attention they truly do feel awful but maybe they don't want to die or atleast wouldn't if life got better but due to their circumstances it becomes hard to see such a future emotions can warp perspectives
It could be regarding their relationships their perspective about the world their beliefs ideals
Etc etc it's too much to even get into here without turning it into a published hard cover book.

And about the "minor" and "irrelevant" stuff you mentioned. Suffering is not an objective thing that rises in proportion to intensity like physical pain. Like I can drag a knife across your skin it might tingle press a little harder it hurts even more and the pain keeps rising with the intensity of the harm but mental suffering is not like that it does not rise In proportion to the intensity of the harm or atleast there is no objective intensity that any harm has. Everything holds a different weight for everyone a confident man may not be bothered if people insult him but for someone insecure it may ruin their whole day and fill him with doubts and questions.so what may be minor to some could be devastating to others based on the history of their lives think about it a child could watch her mother die infront of a train and then as an adult start freaking out whenever she sees trains due to fear to outsiders she may look like she's being over the top or dramatic fussing over "minor" stuff but to her that train means something alot more due to her past even if she may not be consciously aware of it.i said something similar in a previous reply

Well Have you ever been in a dark room For a long time And then went to a normally lit place? And your eyes hurt,You get flashed you try to close your eyes it feels so bright. Even though it's normal lighting that everyone is used to you're not used to it because your eyes have been in the dark so long they've adjusted to it.
Well pain is kind of like that it's not just about what the struggle is but how sensitive you are to that struggle. A rich boy sheltered his whole life will suffer alot more when forced to live out a poor farmer lifestyle than a farmer who's been poor his whole life who knows nothing but poverty just like you in the dark coming into the light are suffering. The farmer is used to the light the rich boy isnt. So you know you never really know how much someone is suffering even if it looks trivial on the surface even if the events of their life look pretty tame on the surface maybe they were in the dark so long that they're extra sensitive to those events? They could truly be feeling terrible things.

But you are right there are actually some people here though not super common I'd say that just come here to seek attention a minor here was recently exposed for it along with other horrible things.

 

[gentarouhongou]

"It doesn't matter if someone drowns in a bathtub, a swimming pool, a lake, or an ocean. It doesn't matter if someone drowns in five feet of water or a hundred. Drowning is drowning."
- Sean Norris

 

[hdead]

Have you tried drugs?

You're coming in with your original post being all wise and trying to ask the real questions, and then you say something deranged like this?

I had my chances, life put together sort of, and drugs ruined it to the point where I became so psychotic I threw it all away in the blink of an eye.

Drugs are a temporary escape for most, and will ruin you in the long run. BAD ADVICE.

Source: I am addicted.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I certainly do. I am a bit older around here (43). With myself it is very rational; suffering from severe mental illness for a long time. I have had suicidal ideation since 18 and as a child I was very quiet, knowing that I am not really compatible with this world.

 

[victorisunlucky]

i wish i had a lot of money and that i didnt have to work for it. if i could just neet out forever i wouldnt want to kill myself

 

[YourLocalEdgelord]

trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

You are not terminally ill, you are free,

And from what I've read some of you are just here seeking for attention, keep in mind that I hate you.

 

[aunaltravita]

I want to die because Im tired of suffering. But if I didn't suffer I would still not care if I lived or died because I haven't been happy or had a single small pleasurable experience for many years and can no longer remember it or imagine it in my future

Have you tried drugs?

I have to agree that it's concerning to me how young some of the users on this site are :( As always, situations are complex and vary by person. There are indeed plenty of people whom I think could benefit from a change, as you said, and similarly, also people who are suffering every day, as you said.
I think some people here are just seeking community with others who share similar feelings and don't seriously intend to ctb. So even if it's a "little phase," as you say, this community serves a certain purpose.
Also, I think it's definitely become a habit for me to think about whenever things are bad (or always bad), like a last resort that I lean on or habitually think of, although I don't actually plan on ctb at this time.

The issue with trying to change things to improve is that I sometimes see depression as learned helplessness. After making a lot of effort to make change or try but then being disheartened by how the situation or my feelings don't change, I find it difficult to believe that things will improve or that it's worth trying to change. Right now, I'm at the point where I am realizing that some things can make a difference, but it can still be really hard to make the effort to change or do things out of fear of disappointment.

It's not just about environment or opportunities or even success in life though. mental health is a big factor and alot of people here have chronic mental conditions me myself like you said I have everything a guy could have in life every opportunity my parents are affluent they love me I have such a great future ahead of me but the thing is regardless of all that due to me having severe ocd I can't even be happy or content I feel so disgusting and horrid all the time but that whole rant has already been discussed but yeah it's a very hard and CHRONIC condition meaning it can't ever be fully cured but still this isn't even the worst or atleast my case isn't the worst compared to alot of people here they have it even worse bpd schizophrenia deepest depths of depression stemming from reasons that go far beyond basic things like money financial stability etc etc.it could be things regarding their own identity for example but not limited to gender dysphoria. You ever wonder why so many famous musicians kill themselves?
I mean they've practically won life but life goes
A whole lot deeper than financial success
And with all this it's very easy to realize or atleast feel like no matter what you do your suffering will remain and whatever the reality may be those feelings are still very true and something they experience. So for some it's not that they are doing it for attention they truly do feel awful but maybe they don't want to die or atleast wouldn't if life got better but due to their circumstances it becomes hard to see such a future emotions can warp perspectives
It could be regarding their relationships their perspective about the world their beliefs ideals
Etc etc it's too much to even get into here without turning it into a published hard cover book.

And about the "minor" and "irrelevant" stuff you mentioned. Suffering is not an objective thing that rises in proportion to intensity like physical pain. Like I can drag a knife across your skin it might tingle press a little harder it hurts even more and the pain keeps rising with the intensity of the harm but mental suffering is not like that it does not rise In proportion to the intensity of the harm or atleast there is no objective intensity that any harm has. Everything holds a different weight for everyone a confident man may not be bothered if people insult him but for someone insecure it may ruin their whole day and fill him with doubts and questions.so what may be minor to some could be devastating to others based on the history of their lives think about it a child could watch her mother die infront of a train and then as an adult start freaking out whenever she sees trains due to fear to outsiders she may look like she's being over the top or dramatic fussing over "minor" stuff but to her that train means something alot more due to her past even if she may not be consciously aware of it.i said something similar in a previous reply

But you are right there are actually some people here though not super common I'd say that just come here to seek attention a minor here was recently exposed for it along with other horrible things.

You all had some great points, thank you for expressing yourselves and sorry if i was a too harsh or too blunt I'm just tired of all of this and I'm trying to cling to something, anything, it's 100% SI.

Having found a place where I can talk freely is exactly why I'm here in the first place...I think it's the same for everyone else, it's so ironic that CTB is lonely but in the middle of this feelings we still want to socialize and find people that think and see the world like us.

Thank you for reminding me that I'm the main character of my own life just like everyone else for their own @sacrilegeofsouls I'm selfish and I acknowledge that and have to feel in control to "feel safe", I guess it's somewhat normal but anyway...I'm just waiting for someone to confirm that the HB source for SN is actually delivering so I can just order and go in peace.

I'm battling beetwen doing it before I settle things for my loved ones and just doing it, I just can't take it anymore sorry.

You're coming in with your original post being all wise and trying to ask the real questions, and then you say something deranged like this?

I had my chances, life put together sort of, and drugs ruined it to the point where I became so psychotic I threw it all away in the blink of an eye.

Drugs are a temporary escape for most, and will ruin you in the long run. BAD ADVICE.

Source: I am addicted.

You're right man. I wanted to joke but I understand that it hard to tell from a text, given the context of this thread too. Apologies. I've struggled with addiction too but i can actually stop from using any kind of substance but I totally get it, I too have made so many bad mistakes while being intoxicated...

It's like I can feel all the hopeleness and the regrets of each one of you and mines, combined, in my bones, it hurts so bad. Why is it so hard....

View attachment 206419

Yes man, I was in the middle of some crisis no need to salt my wounds LOL but I still think that stuff is correct to some degree but obviously not for everyone here...

 

[Hashe20]

Not really but I feel I have no choice, heavy in debt and homeless. No way my life can turn from here at this age

 

[0x64]

Have you tried drugs?

Thats why I'm brain damaged, constant agony, family hating me and a debt I cannot pay off. Wouldn't recommend anyone turning to drugs.

 

[dirkw83]

I also wouldn't recommend drugs at all. I smoked a lot of weed in my twenties and it left me with memory problems and anhedonia among other things. Also have horrendous experience with olanzapine, cigarettes are also absolute garbage.

 

[0x64]

I also wouldn't recommend drugs at all. I smoked a lot of weed in my twenties and it left me with memory problems and anhedonia among other things. Also have horrendous experience with olanzapine, cigarettes are also absolute garbage.

Sad that it's normalized. I didn't know weed could do that.

 

[dirkw83]

Sad that it's normalized. I didn't know weed could do that.

Yes Idk why society has decided to gloss over all the downsides and risks of smoking weed like none of it is problematic. There are also other serious issues like paranoia and flattened affect that are somehow not real I guess. I'm not saying everybody is gonna have bad consequences from smoking weed it depends for sure on your age, your personality and how much you smoke and I totally get that for some people it's a lifesaver medical aid but it can definitely mess you up quite a bit.

 

[0x64]

Yes Idk why society has decided to gloss over all the downsides and risks of smoking weed like none of it is problematic. There are also other serious issues like paranoia and flattened affect that are somehow not real I guess. I'm not saying everybody is gonna have bad consequences from smoking weed it depends for sure on your age, your personality and how much you smoke and I totally get that for some people it's a lifesaver medical aid but it can definitely mess you up quite a bit.

I guess if you chainsmoke it at a young age before your brain develops there's a higher risk for mental issues. it also contains more tar.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Have you tried drugs?

Drugs r only a temporary solution that provides more problems, from which you'll try to escape with more drugs, which will cause more problems, I don't recommend recommending that to people that are already at a weak spot of their life it's kinda fucked up actually

 

[Isolatedloner]

Drugs r only a temporary solution that provides more problems, from which you'll try to escape with more drugs, which will cause more problems, I don't recommend recommending that to people that are already at a weak spot of their life it's kinda fucked up actually

It is really fucked up to be saying that. I'm ignoring this person.

 

[passthisnote]

yes and ik i have a pretty immature reason, which is just to avoid aging and working more in the future but i literally do not care. ima actually do this it's better than the alternative. it kinda sucks having to speedrun all my interests, but it's the best opinion for me. i am not compatible with this world past like 25 and even that's a stretch, so id rather go before 20.

 

[Hashe20]

yes and ik i have a pretty immature reason, which is just to avoid aging and working more in the future but i literally do not care. ima actually do this it's better than the alternative. it kinda sucks having to speedrun all my interests, but it's the best opinion for me. i am not compatible with this world past like 25 and even that's a stretch, so id rather go before 20.

Honestly for people like us, it just get worse with age

 

[wishingdeath]

Yeah, I do. Have for years, and I'm happy with my decision.

I'm not homeless or the other things you mentioned necessarily, but that's my decision. I'm not sure who the people are seeking attention on here, but if it keeps them alive sobeit.

I'm glad you don't necessarily want to die, but a lot of people on here do. Theres such a misconception that EVERYONE who wants to die wants to "end their suffering" but this isn't the case with everyone. Some of us actually just don't want to live.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

I always get the feeling that the majority are indeed very young. It really bothers me being old (60+) because I might be giving the impression that the best thing for these young people is to die. After all, what is the point of living to reach my age—unhappy and wishing for death? On the other hand, there is no way for me to know the nature of anyone's experiences or the intensity of their suffering. I notice people with socialization issues, people struggling with sexuality or acceptance, people with financial problems, and many others. There are also those with physical health issues, and so on. But I don't know if they also have chemical imbalances in the brain that exacerbate these issues. And we all know the brain is an organ that can get sick just like any other. My case, specifically, is 90% tied to the nature of existence itself. I view life as a biological process that began randomly and will end the same way. There is no meaning, no purpose, nothing supernatural, etc. It is merely a repetitive program that gradually drains one's physical and mental strength, all without purpose. I could write a lot about these feelings, but I no longer have the patience. If I could offer any advice to young people, I would say: Try to experience more of this idiotic life until you reach the point where the only way out is to end it all. Why? Because that brings a certain mental comfort. One of the reasons I am still alive—beyond the basic instinct shared by all forms of life, even after so many years of wishing for death—is my acceptance of the reality I have experienced and observed throughout my life: existence is the result of an accident or chance; existing means fulfilling a biological program; the human species is no different from any other, except for its self-awareness. We aren't special just because chance gave us consciousness through an evolutionary process. Ultimately, we are an accident, and death brings the end. There isn't much of a choice: either we end the process ourselves, or we wait for it to run its course. The latter option can be painful, slow, and humiliating—to the point where one loses all autonomy.

 

[Isolatedloner]

I always get the feeling that the majority are indeed very young. It really bothers me being old (60+) because I might be giving the impression that the best thing for these young people is to die. After all, what is the point of living to reach my age—unhappy and wishing for death? On the other hand, there is no way for me to know the nature of anyone's experiences or the intensity of their suffering. I notice people with socialization issues, people struggling with sexuality or acceptance, people with financial problems, and many others. There are also those with physical health issues, and so on. But I don't know if they also have chemical imbalances in the brain that exacerbate these issues. And we all know the brain is an organ that can get sick just like any other. My case, specifically, is 90% tied to the nature of existence itself. I view life as a biological process that began randomly and will end the same way. There is no meaning, no purpose, nothing supernatural, etc. It is merely a repetitive program that gradually drains one's physical and mental strength, all without purpose. I could write a lot about these feelings, but I no longer have the patience. If I could offer any advice to young people, I would say: Try to experience more of this idiotic life until you reach the point where the only way out is to end it all. Why? Because that brings a certain mental comfort. One of the reasons I am still alive—beyond the basic instinct shared by all forms of life, even after so many years of wishing for death—is my acceptance of the reality I have experienced and observed throughout my life: existence is the result of an accident or chance; existing means fulfilling a biological program; the human species is no different from any other, except for its self-awareness. We aren't special just because chance gave us consciousness through an evolutionary process. Ultimately, we are an accident, and death brings the end. There isn't much of a choice: either we end the process ourselves, or we wait for it to run its course. The latter option can be painful, slow, and humiliating—to the point where one loses all autonomy.

It already feels painful, slow and humiliating for me. I live but not really at all.
To be clear I trudge on.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

It already feels painful, slow and humiliating for me. I live but not really at all.

I drag myself through life, doing things I don't want to do, talking to people I don't want to talk to, going to a job I don't want. Existing in a world I don't want to be in. I feel like just another insect following its programming, but with the added burden of being aware of the futility of it all. Yet, so far, I haven't managed to break free—more out of a lack of method than any desire to remain here.

 

[Argent]

I want to CTB. I'm 28 now and have wanted to since I was in middle school. So that's 15 years.

That said, I also want my cat to be provided for. I bounce back and forth between whether my desire to end it all is more important than my duty to her. I don't want her to be in a situation where her well-being is compromised. I love her.

Realistically, my love for her is what's prevented me from sliding further. But it doesn't remove that underlying urge. That's the point. I am still depressed as hell.

 

[hdead]

I drag myself through life, doing things I don't want to do, talking to people I don't want to talk to, going to a job I don't want. Existing in a world I don't want to be in. I feel like just another insect following its programming, but with the added burden of being aware of the futility of it all. Yet, so far, I haven't managed to break free—more out of a lack of method than any desire to remain here.

Sounds fun /s. I do the same thing. Difference between us, other than age (I'm 36) is I broke free (tried to) by selling my house and moving to the countryside. But it's actually an exchange of one kind of survival to another. The one is capitalistic, grinding, slaving away under a paper contract. The next is more frugal, trying to grow your own food, fixing your own house and getting by trying to make ends meet on a more autonomous level. The latter does feel slightly better, but I am like you. I don't see any purpose anymore. At my age, I should have probably procreated to fool my biology into having a sense of meaning, but at this stage I'm just keeping myself alive to see the next day of work and boredom coming in, only to be left wondering what it is all about.

I look at the stars and I dream. I see the planets carelessly toiling in the night sky and I wonder what it means. I never felt at home here, and I doubt I ever will. But for now I have to stay, for a little while longer still.

 

[Estrella87]

I want to CTB. I'm 28 now and have wanted to since I was in middle school. So that's 15 years.

That said, I also want my cat to be provided for. I bounce back and forth between whether my desire to end it all is more important than my duty to her. I don't want her to be in a situation where her well-being is compromised. I love her.

Realistically, my love for her is what's prevented me from sliding further. But it doesn't remove that underlying urge. That's the point. I am still depressed as hell.

Same here for the cat. She's one of the reasons I haven't ctb yet. Until the day I won't be able to continue and I'll find someone who love her, like my niece, for take car of her after lm gone. Because I want to be gone before her, seems selfish but I couldn't bare my cat death.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Sounds fun /s. I do the same thing. Difference between us, other than age (I'm 36) is I broke free (tried to) by selling my house and moving to the countryside. But it's actually an exchange of one kind of survival to another. The one is capitalistic, grinding, slaving away under a paper contract. The next is more frugal, trying to grow your own food, fixing your own house and getting by trying to make ends meet on a more autonomous level. The latter does feel slightly better, but I am like you. I don't see any purpose anymore. At my age, I should have probably procreated to fool my biology into having a sense of meaning, but at this stage I'm just keeping myself alive to see the next day of work and boredom coming in, only to be left wondering what it is all about.

I look at the stars and I dream. I see the planets carelessly toiling in the night sky and I wonder what it means. I never felt at home here, and I doubt I ever will. But for now I have to stay, for a little while longer still.

I didn't have children. It's just me and my wife, who is my age. She is different from me and doesn't think about existence; she simply lives. I don't talk to her about it because it wouldn't serve any purpose for either of us. I'm pragmatic about that. In fact, talking about it with anyone is pointless. The only place for that is this site.

 

[suicidalalcoholic]

Not everyone has complex problems like homelessness, debt, addictions, terminal illnesses etc. Obviously I do agree its way harder for those with those problems but i don't think its appropriate to downplay those who have other problems going on. Its easy to say its easy for us to turn our lives around but some of us just don't have the energy or interest to do so. I don't want to go into details on the things that happened to me but for many years ive always felt like life is meaningless or my life is worthless. I just tried ignoring these thoughts over the years and keeping myself busy with other activities. But over the past year even thats getting harder. I can barely do anything now. I haven't worked in 3 months. Haven't been eating well and lost 10 kg. I've tried getting better but my country overall is just not a good environment. The waitlists for therapy or a psychiatric consultation are too long. Can take upto 2-3 months. Only chance you have of getting one is doing an attempt dangerous enough to be hospitalized by which the government will step in and make emergency appointments. Its a pain in the ass. Im not really interested in getting help anymore. I am still scared to take my life but i have made my decision and i plan to follow through it in the next few weeks or maybe days. This world is just not meant for me