I'm going to try tonight. The stars aren't aligned exactly as I wanted, the method won't be exactly as I wanted, but I'm tired and I feel like I'm just waiting around, digging in circles hoping something gets better, going over the same shit in my head over and over hoping I see a path I didn't see before, involving people who I know aren't magically going to see new paths I haven't already mapped out. It's over, it was over a year ago, I need to stop stalling.
CaptainSunshine!
Member
- Oct 29, 2025
- 41
nobodycaresaboutme
maybe my English kinda sucks
- Jun 30, 2025
- 504
I'm really sorry life leads you to this point. Whatever you finally choose, I hope you find peace. Good luck
vanillamilkshakes
Aspiring Corpse
- Aug 26, 2024
- 558
I, too, am sorry that life led you to this point, but I hope that you find peace. Good luck, stranger
darksouls
Enlightened
- May 10, 2025
- 1,864
claracatchingthebus
Clara seems to be waiting for something. But what?
- Jun 22, 2025
- 552
I am sorry the world has been so difficult.
It's really awful how some psychotherapy and mental health really wants to push religion and higher power onto people. It's such a fundemtally different way of looking at things and as an athiest, I also feel like it has negatively impacted my ability to get services, having been subject to proselytizing when committed and higher powers when exposed to AA (although I am not someone who has ever regularly drank alcohol). You wrote in another post how medication and therapy were expensive and didn't help, and then in another post how a lack of financial wellness was impacting you. I really think it's true that the possible wellness benefits of mental health therapies are outweighed by their negative financial consequences. The tradeoff is something clinicians never bring up out of greed.
Im sorry you are not close with anyone. I wish there were an Asperger's/Autism peer support group where you could have met and connected with more people. Did you ever check for one in your area?
Many many people can't afford to leave their parent's place right now. You're not alone in that, and you could look for a higher paying job while living with them.
You were going to do this next summer right?
It's okay to change your mind on this. Sorry for things being like this, I am lonely too. Things can be a struggle sometimes.
You also do have the option to go back on medication and/or commit yourself if you want. Just because I had a bad experience doesn't nean you would, and others have recently posted about their good experiences.
Thinking of you today however this goes.
It's really awful how some psychotherapy and mental health really wants to push religion and higher power onto people. It's such a fundemtally different way of looking at things and as an athiest, I also feel like it has negatively impacted my ability to get services, having been subject to proselytizing when committed and higher powers when exposed to AA (although I am not someone who has ever regularly drank alcohol). You wrote in another post how medication and therapy were expensive and didn't help, and then in another post how a lack of financial wellness was impacting you. I really think it's true that the possible wellness benefits of mental health therapies are outweighed by their negative financial consequences. The tradeoff is something clinicians never bring up out of greed.
Im sorry you are not close with anyone. I wish there were an Asperger's/Autism peer support group where you could have met and connected with more people. Did you ever check for one in your area?
Many many people can't afford to leave their parent's place right now. You're not alone in that, and you could look for a higher paying job while living with them.
You were going to do this next summer right?
It's okay to change your mind on this. Sorry for things being like this, I am lonely too. Things can be a struggle sometimes.
You also do have the option to go back on medication and/or commit yourself if you want. Just because I had a bad experience doesn't nean you would, and others have recently posted about their good experiences.
Thinking of you today however this goes.
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Irisse
Art belongs to Maksn (on yt)
- Sep 8, 2025
- 512
woodlandcreature
tired | they/it | feel free to reach out
- Apr 3, 2024
- 138
claracatchingthebus
Clara seems to be waiting for something. But what?
- Jun 22, 2025
- 552
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 45,746
I really understand feeling so tired, I hope you find the relief you search for.
claracatchingthebus
Clara seems to be waiting for something. But what?
- Jun 22, 2025
- 552
I wish I had posted this earlier, but here's an example of autism groups where you can meet other people with autism to make friends:
Having friends can really make a difference. I am not sure if that was intended to be your final post, it looks like you didn't log in after posting that.
Having friends can really make a difference. I am not sure if that was intended to be your final post, it looks like you didn't log in after posting that.
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spero_meliora
In hope for better things.
- Jan 13, 2025
- 240
it's okay to change your mind if you aren't ready... but if you're already no longer with us, I hope your journey was a peaceful one. 
I failed. I am going to take a break from this site for a while.
Busy trying again. Scared, wish I wasn't alone and having to do it in secret. Wish it was pills or an injection, wish it was like that pass-out before an operation - that's so quick and peaceful. Wish there was someone here to make sure it succeeds. Tired and scared.
Idea - practice passing out more, you've only done it once. Practice how tight the rope needs to be, get comfortable with the pressure at the point of passing out. I need to do that.
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hey, i feel you so much. im going to attempt fsh tonight if i can. lost my last shred of hope...well, i say that but i always stop becuase i think i will hear what i need to not ctb from the person i love that betrayed me. i know i dont deserve to die but they really put me in an awful situation i think anyone would want to ctb. but they continue to ignore me. i feel like i mist die, no option now. sorry for the drawl. i hope you find peace. i hope we can both find peace.
I wish euthanasia was a fucking thing, it's fucking retarded that I have to do it this way! Fuck human beings for being these emotional retarded fucking apes!!! We literally have goddamn mother-fucking drugs that could do this peacefully in seconds!!!!! Fuck religion! Fuck god! And fuck these stupid fucking apes! We should bomb them, they deserve to suffer for forcing people to live or do it this way, they give their goddamn fucking dogs more dignity and mercy than us! And we've fucking discovered peaceful solutions. Fuck them to death. Fuck them. Make them suffer until they understand and actually fucking help for once.
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Okay, just calm down, and try again tonight. This cannot be that fucking hard - people pass out from strangulation during sport and play all the fucking time, this cannot be that fucking difficult.
>> My neck is not fat, so it can't be that. I can locate my arteries easily, every time.
>> Maybe being in an upright position matters, harder for the blood to get to the brain. I have 2 case studies of suicide by strangulation - but they were both full chokes. The female was lying down, the report doesn't show the position of the male - but again, they were full chokes occluding the trachea as well. When my airway closes I panic, I can hold it down for maybe 5 seconds. Maybe it's a mental training thing, maybe I can extend the time I can endure the panic with practice like how soldiers do. I have no reports of accidental play strangulation, but there are videos and photos, the victim is usually upright, maybe that matters more than I understand. Maybe they have better control over that panic response from regular exposure.
>> I know the position of the weights is correct, I can find my carotids easily. Maybe the weights need to be more precise. I don't want to resew bags, I don't want to be here for weeks more. In the case studies both victims used cable ties, I think my strap in precise enough but maybe the weights are too wide - but in a proper rare naked choke hold they are literally using the bicep and brachioradialis, which are wide, not-precise surfaces.
This should be this fucking difficult!
I feel so angry. I feel so fucking angry.
Being alive is painful.
Something is different about me,
I've known since around age four,
those who know me experience it too.
I've been trying to fix it, accommodate it,
and function with it all my life. I am not successful.
My primary need is for belonging: a family and home.
I have discovered I am a different animal to humans,
>> I struggle to relate and attach to most humans;
>> When I manage to attach, the humans I care about experience me as painful,
and I experience them as painful;
There is some kind of deep incompatibility.
It makes lifelong isolation likely.
I do not want to be isolated anymore,
it hurts immensely and corrupts what little sanity and stability I build.
I am abnormal, but I am still a social animal.
Improbable chances for success do not outweigh regular intense pain.
I am rational to exit.
Historically suicide was not always taboo,
it is part of functional life.
I wish I could have done it in a more dignified and guaranteed fatal way.
I hope there were no complications.
An advanced, critical society will have the empathy to provide optional euthanasia for it's people.
^^ I feel this! I feel this! I feel this! I feel this! I feel this!
Why is it so fucking difficult to understand, validate and support this???????
It's not fucking rocket science! Why are humans so fucking stupid???????
They do so many cool things, how are they so fucking selfish, emotional and stupid?????????????
I write carefully, I talk carefully, I take time, I don't get angry - I do everything their fucking way so they have the best chance to understand and they still fucking can't WHY???? FUCKING WHY??? I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.
Why can't I go? Why is it so fucking hard??? Why doesn't it work? I don't want my last moments to be panic and pain - FUCK THEM, FUCK THEM.
FUCK THEM! I don't have to be in pain. Why shouldn't I put them in pain??? I shouldn't I attack and mutilate them, they love having me live in pain and make it painful and scary to leave - why shouldn't I make them suffer and hurt too??? Maybe that's the only way their retarded ape brains will fucking understand.
I can't calm down. I'm so angry. Why does it have to be this way? It doesn't have to be this way.
I'm so angry - it doesn't have to be this way.
>> My neck is not fat, so it can't be that. I can locate my arteries easily, every time.
>> Maybe being in an upright position matters, harder for the blood to get to the brain. I have 2 case studies of suicide by strangulation - but they were both full chokes. The female was lying down, the report doesn't show the position of the male - but again, they were full chokes occluding the trachea as well. When my airway closes I panic, I can hold it down for maybe 5 seconds. Maybe it's a mental training thing, maybe I can extend the time I can endure the panic with practice like how soldiers do. I have no reports of accidental play strangulation, but there are videos and photos, the victim is usually upright, maybe that matters more than I understand. Maybe they have better control over that panic response from regular exposure.
>> I know the position of the weights is correct, I can find my carotids easily. Maybe the weights need to be more precise. I don't want to resew bags, I don't want to be here for weeks more. In the case studies both victims used cable ties, I think my strap in precise enough but maybe the weights are too wide - but in a proper rare naked choke hold they are literally using the bicep and brachioradialis, which are wide, not-precise surfaces.
This should be this fucking difficult!
I feel so angry. I feel so fucking angry.
Being alive is painful.
Something is different about me,
I've known since around age four,
those who know me experience it too.
I've been trying to fix it, accommodate it,
and function with it all my life. I am not successful.
My primary need is for belonging: a family and home.
I have discovered I am a different animal to humans,
>> I struggle to relate and attach to most humans;
>> When I manage to attach, the humans I care about experience me as painful,
and I experience them as painful;
There is some kind of deep incompatibility.
It makes lifelong isolation likely.
I do not want to be isolated anymore,
it hurts immensely and corrupts what little sanity and stability I build.
I am abnormal, but I am still a social animal.
Improbable chances for success do not outweigh regular intense pain.
I am rational to exit.
Historically suicide was not always taboo,
it is part of functional life.
I wish I could have done it in a more dignified and guaranteed fatal way.
I hope there were no complications.
An advanced, critical society will have the empathy to provide optional euthanasia for it's people.
^^ I feel this! I feel this! I feel this! I feel this! I feel this!
Why is it so fucking difficult to understand, validate and support this???????
It's not fucking rocket science! Why are humans so fucking stupid???????
They do so many cool things, how are they so fucking selfish, emotional and stupid?????????????
I write carefully, I talk carefully, I take time, I don't get angry - I do everything their fucking way so they have the best chance to understand and they still fucking can't WHY???? FUCKING WHY??? I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them.
Why can't I go? Why is it so fucking hard??? Why doesn't it work? I don't want my last moments to be panic and pain - FUCK THEM, FUCK THEM.
FUCK THEM! I don't have to be in pain. Why shouldn't I put them in pain??? I shouldn't I attack and mutilate them, they love having me live in pain and make it painful and scary to leave - why shouldn't I make them suffer and hurt too??? Maybe that's the only way their retarded ape brains will fucking understand.
I can't calm down. I'm so angry. Why does it have to be this way? It doesn't have to be this way.
I'm so angry - it doesn't have to be this way.
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I am a rat, digging underground in the dark, in a circle. I am alone in the dark and no matter what turn I take I somehow always end up in the circle. There's something wrong with me, I've known it my whole life, and the experience of living has only made it worse.
For a little while there was another rat next to me, and it was still dark and it was still a circle, but it felt like we were digging together. He could dig in other directions, out of the circle, and I was so proud of him, and I loved watching him - he filled me with light. But I kept going in the circle for some reason. I had support, I kept trying harder to get out of the circle, but no matter what turn I took when I looked up from the digging I was still in the circle. I burned out and broke down a lot, I don't understand why I can't leave the circle. I thought I could make the circle home, maybe my efforts would be good enough and I would get to watch him dig in ways I can't. But either the other rat was a delusion because I've been alone in the dark for so long and I was desperate to see something that wasn't there, or as he filled me with light, I filled him with the same dark that grows out of me, and he saw me trapped in the circle and got hurt, scared and left.
Either way, I'm back to digging the circle, alone in the dark. Having a family that I belonged to and could call my own was my last hope. There is nothing left now. I'm tired of digging alone in the dark, and I'm bitter because the other rats don't understand, even the professional rats who help rats like me, and I'm beginning to be more and more violent as a result of the powerlessness - I don't want to be a monster and I don't want to be lonely, I'd rather die. Other rats above ground still just tell me to just dig harder, but I have over and over, and all that happens is I burn out. Digging harder does not leave the circle, it just makes you more tired.
I'm a defective rat, there's something wrong with me - I don't get out of the dark circle. My way out is death, and if I play my cards right I get to control at least that. I don't have to dig anymore. I can be free, I just have to stop being scared and end it.
For a little while there was another rat next to me, and it was still dark and it was still a circle, but it felt like we were digging together. He could dig in other directions, out of the circle, and I was so proud of him, and I loved watching him - he filled me with light. But I kept going in the circle for some reason. I had support, I kept trying harder to get out of the circle, but no matter what turn I took when I looked up from the digging I was still in the circle. I burned out and broke down a lot, I don't understand why I can't leave the circle. I thought I could make the circle home, maybe my efforts would be good enough and I would get to watch him dig in ways I can't. But either the other rat was a delusion because I've been alone in the dark for so long and I was desperate to see something that wasn't there, or as he filled me with light, I filled him with the same dark that grows out of me, and he saw me trapped in the circle and got hurt, scared and left.
Either way, I'm back to digging the circle, alone in the dark. Having a family that I belonged to and could call my own was my last hope. There is nothing left now. I'm tired of digging alone in the dark, and I'm bitter because the other rats don't understand, even the professional rats who help rats like me, and I'm beginning to be more and more violent as a result of the powerlessness - I don't want to be a monster and I don't want to be lonely, I'd rather die. Other rats above ground still just tell me to just dig harder, but I have over and over, and all that happens is I burn out. Digging harder does not leave the circle, it just makes you more tired.
I'm a defective rat, there's something wrong with me - I don't get out of the dark circle. My way out is death, and if I play my cards right I get to control at least that. I don't have to dig anymore. I can be free, I just have to stop being scared and end it.
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