Venting I am a joke

[Rotting_X]

First post, probably bad English (second language)

I'm so tired of everything. I've lost everything and everyone I've cared about and I don't see a point in carrying on anymore, my life has become so dull and boring with nothing in it, it's basically become a joke. I can't get over my past relationship, I've pushed away all of my friends, everytime I do something right I end up messing it up in the end anyway and I am genuinely the most awkward, boring, worthless, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being that only lays around all day doing nothing.
Recently I've made a new online friend after a long time but I've started pushing her away too, I feel so bad, it's been 5 days and I still haven't responded oml. Genuinely why can't I just be normal? It feels like such a chore to actually talk to people but at the same time I feel so miserable and lonely. At this point responding seems weird, so do I just leave this friendship behind like I did with my past 4??? Why do I even bother ffs I'm just burdening more people.
I've been locked up in my room, only leaving to go to school, for months now and I seriously feel like I'm losing it, but the thing is I live in quite a small town where everyone kinda knows each other, which means if I go out there is a very high chance I'll see my ex girlfriend and my ex friends. I can't handle thatidont want to see them. I'm already lucky we don't go to the same school. Well anyway summer break has started now.. I will go insane. I can't go out. I won't go out. I am going insane. If I see these people I will start crying or have a panic attack or I'll just throw myself of a bridge.
Oh I've also started feeling weird when someone uses my real name, like I'm not used to it anymore? It's not like I forgot it or anything, it's just that I can go weeks without hearing it sometimes, so when it does get used, I just get kinda startled? Idk why omfg what the actual hell is wrong with me, this is so stupid
I think I'll be ctb this summer and just end it, I'd like to do it before my birthday so I don't have to bother my parents with doing anything

 

[Give Up The Ghost]

First post, probably bad English (second language)

I'm so tired of everything. I've lost everything and everyone I've cared about and I don't see a point in carrying on anymore, my life has become so dull and boring with nothing in it, it's basically become a joke. I can't get over my past relationship, I've pushed away all of my friends, everytime I do something right I end up messing it up in the end anyway and I am genuinely the most awkward, boring, worthless, disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being that only lays around all day doing nothing.
Recently I've made a new online friend after a long time but I've started pushing her away too, I feel so bad, it's been 5 days and I still haven't responded oml. Genuinely why can't I just be normal? It feels like such a chore to actually talk to people but at the same time I feel so miserable and lonely. At this point responding seems weird, so do I just leave this friendship behind like I did with my past 4??? Why do I even bother ffs I'm just burdening more people.
I've been locked up in my room, only leaving to go to school, for months now and I seriously feel like I'm losing it, but the thing is I live in quite a small town where everyone kinda knows each other, which means if I go out there is a very high chance I'll see my ex girlfriend and my ex friends. I can't handle thatidont want to see them. I'm already lucky we don't go to the same school. Well anyway summer break has started now.. I will go insane. I can't go out. I won't go out. I am going insane. If I see these people I will start crying or have a panic attack or I'll just throw myself of a bridge.
Oh I've also started feeling weird when someone uses my real name, like I'm not used to it anymore? It's not like I forgot it or anything, it's just that I can go weeks without hearing it sometimes, so when it does get used, I just get kinda startled? Idk why omfg what the actual hell is wrong with me, this is so stupid
I think I'll be ctb this summer and just end it, I'd like to do it before my birthday so I don't have to bother my parents with doing anything

That's rough buddy. Sorry you're struggling. Sounds like you need an environment with new people, disconnected from your ex and everyone like that. Are there online communities you can join? Or maybe a local club? I know it's tough putting yourself out there, but if they were totally new people, maybe that'd be easier. Might take your mind off things a little too

 

[Rotting_X]

That's rough buddy. Sorry you're struggling. Sounds like you need an environment with new people, disconnected from your ex and everyone like that. Are there online communities you can join? Or maybe a local club? I know it's tough putting yourself out there, but if they were totally new people, maybe that'd be easier. Might take your mind off things a little too

I've tried joining online communities but the thing is there really is nothing much to me so it's hard to make any actual conversation, it's like I just lost my personality and now im just a shell of a human with nothing to offer. I did mention that i managed to make a friend online but I still didn't get around to answering her, idk what to say to her about my absence but I think it just looks like I'm ghosting her so idk if I should even reach out..
I'm pretty sure we do have some sort of club or two in the area but since I live in a small town everyone kind of already knows eachother or at least in passing, so the chances of meeting someone I know are really high, which I'd really want to avoid
I really don't think I can make anymore friends and it seems like im losing the last one I had, which maybe isn't too bad, I mean at least I won't cause any grief if she just thinks I've ghosted her? I do think that maybe if I could move out things could get better, to like a big city where no one knows who I am and there's somuch people no one even pays attention to you, but because of my circumstances I can't and I'm just too tired of living like this

I really do appreciate the kind words though, thank you