DecayingGirl
Member
- Apr 2, 2023
- 7
Hi, i haven't posted on here before but i guess I feel as if my end is coming, I don't expect anybody to really read all of this i guess it's for my own mind or closure.
It's really strange because it feels so different to before with all of my attempts, I just have this weird wave of peace and finality, I know i truly have exhausted everything offered to me, I began getting help around 11/12 and life hasn't been easy, i won't go into depth but i simply cannot heal from the multitude of things i have suffered. To lay it out in short, DV, SA and a large amount of abuse over years, along with the long list of diagnosis's that only further my helplessness, still living in an unstable household where I'm made to be dependent on them along with them having everything i need to escape this place, so i gave up on that hope a while ago.
I'm now 25 and I had a lot of new therapies i started end of last year and even the beginning of this year, as usual none seemed to stick or help or regulate me and I cannot live in such pain anymore. I am using drugs everyday and the agonizing pain from treating my body this way is excruciating, a month or so ago i self referred to an addiction service which i have now started and i attend three groups a week, also have a meeting with the Eating Disorder service (again) very soon but i doubt I'm "sick" enough for them to help me as they turned me away a couple years ago when i was a couple pounds being lost away from being hospitalized. I see no benefit in either of these recent things I've tried to give a shot as i just don't plan on being here much longer.
I always think to myself how can people tell me i have no choice to live this life with all of these impossible issues...keeping me here is torture. So I'm making this decision for myself, because i wouldn't force somebody else going through this to stay here, it's inhumane.
The only thing I'm struggling with is how to CBT, I have many attempts, I will just say incase anybody does want to give me advice I'll explain what doesn't work for me.
So as an emetophobic (someone with the phobia of throwing up), it rules out a few things for me including overdoses etc.
I also do not live in a country that gives me access to guns or anything like that.
I have thought a lot on hanging but I think I would need a lot more information on it, specifically rope placement and stuff like that, I have rope that I have kept for a long time so that isn't an issue.
Either way I know I'm not planning on being here much longer, I don't have a set date yet as there's a lot i need to sort out before hand but yeah if you read all the way to the end, thank you :) any advice or reassuring words are appreciated <3
It's really strange because it feels so different to before with all of my attempts, I just have this weird wave of peace and finality, I know i truly have exhausted everything offered to me, I began getting help around 11/12 and life hasn't been easy, i won't go into depth but i simply cannot heal from the multitude of things i have suffered. To lay it out in short, DV, SA and a large amount of abuse over years, along with the long list of diagnosis's that only further my helplessness, still living in an unstable household where I'm made to be dependent on them along with them having everything i need to escape this place, so i gave up on that hope a while ago.
I'm now 25 and I had a lot of new therapies i started end of last year and even the beginning of this year, as usual none seemed to stick or help or regulate me and I cannot live in such pain anymore. I am using drugs everyday and the agonizing pain from treating my body this way is excruciating, a month or so ago i self referred to an addiction service which i have now started and i attend three groups a week, also have a meeting with the Eating Disorder service (again) very soon but i doubt I'm "sick" enough for them to help me as they turned me away a couple years ago when i was a couple pounds being lost away from being hospitalized. I see no benefit in either of these recent things I've tried to give a shot as i just don't plan on being here much longer.
I always think to myself how can people tell me i have no choice to live this life with all of these impossible issues...keeping me here is torture. So I'm making this decision for myself, because i wouldn't force somebody else going through this to stay here, it's inhumane.
The only thing I'm struggling with is how to CBT, I have many attempts, I will just say incase anybody does want to give me advice I'll explain what doesn't work for me.
So as an emetophobic (someone with the phobia of throwing up), it rules out a few things for me including overdoses etc.
I also do not live in a country that gives me access to guns or anything like that.
I have thought a lot on hanging but I think I would need a lot more information on it, specifically rope placement and stuff like that, I have rope that I have kept for a long time so that isn't an issue.
Either way I know I'm not planning on being here much longer, I don't have a set date yet as there's a lot i need to sort out before hand but yeah if you read all the way to the end, thank you :) any advice or reassuring words are appreciated <3
