Discussion always checking up on people, never being checked up on

[page617]

not entirely sure which thread to post this on but i thought this was the most appropriate.

it's always so interesting to be like how people around me will be like "check up on your friends! they might be going through stuff that's hurting them" and like... they never check up on me? it feels so incredibly contradictory. i always try to make time whenever i think about them just to text and be like "hey what's up, how's it going, do you need anything" but never are others initiating conversations to talk to me.

i love most of my friends and are in the process of dropping those i don't like but it always just kind of sucks whenever other people aren't the ones to initiate conversations and whatnot. and that to maintain friendships, i have to be the one to reach out

 

[depressedkidiam]

yeah I get you so much on this. like at some point it just gets to be too much to always be the one making time and effort for others. I've started a new rule when making new friends that for every time I text them first, I'm going to wait for them to text me first about something too, and if it isn't equal, then they aren't worth my time.

 

[Neyferuh]

Yes to reciprocity. It took me so many years to learn that. I always used to be the one who would check in or up or on people. And then when I really needed them, they were not there. The people who helped me in my greatest moments of need were people who did not know me very well. They just helped out of the kindness of their hearts.
I think that anyone who feels deeply, will naturally gravitate towards reaching out, because we can easily identify with what it means to struggle and feel alone. However, I have also realized, that for me, what I was giving to other people was what I was so desperately hoping people would give to me, in terms of genuinely caring. I did not see it that way at the time. But looking back, I understand that I was overgiving as a way to stuff down the pain of not feeling true connection. And ultimately, I did not feel worthy of receiving this level of connection, so I would unconsciously distract myself by giving to energy vampires.
The sort of person that will keep taking is the type of person that I would always attract. So it was a vicious cycle. And it took me getting very sick and having my whole life wiped to see things with a much more sober perspective.
Now, it must be mutual. I engage in friendships to the level that the other person participates, and it has made my life a great deal less complicated.

 

[page617]

i think it's a little bit different for me because they are there when I ask for it. and maybe I'm just being selfish, but sometimes I'd like it if they'd check on me before I say anything ‍

 

[Chili]

Yeah, I struggle with this regularly. I've thought it was just me, I'm the common denominator. But I don't know why people do it. I've started to pull away from people like that but it's lonely

 

[page617]

that's fair ‍ i showered just now and think maybe i'm being a little selfish? idk. i think it's also completely possible what i desire (having people check on me as much as i check up on them) might be a little more on the unrealistic side and i should be more content with the fact that if i did initiate a conversation about my struggles (which i have a difficult time doing), a good amount of them would be happy to oblige