Subject 01
Dreamer
- Jul 19, 2026
- 1
I feel guilty for even typing this out, because I know I'm loved... but I feel so lonely despite being surrounded by people. I have a boyfriend who (I believe) loves me. I have a good relationship with my mother, and I have friends... sort of. I know a lot of people would love to be in my shoes, but I can't bring myself to be happy.
It feels like all my relationships just stop at the surface. Not sure why I don't feel grateful and instead feel empty and transparent. Like there's this emotional wall between people and I. I'm not sure if I'll be able to truly connect with anyone. My entourage is a bit emotionally... stifled. As much as I like my friends, it's clear they're here to have fun, and that's it. I could never speak to them about my issues or anything of the sorts. I'll never be able to confide in them. I think that prevents me from truly feeling heard and in turn, that turns me into some kind of ghost of myself. I end up performing a version of me that feels fun but ain't me.
I've realized that to keep your relationships going, or just to be socially accepted, you have to be outgoing, fun, and sociable. You can never allow yourself to be weak and vulnerable (that is, depressed and suicidal and not always happy-go-lucky). So I'm just not sure how to feel satisfied with my friendships. They don't bring me joy. I just feel there.
I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, and I'm sure there are a million posts just like this one. I'm also aware this makes me sound quite pompous and like one of those people who think they're deep when they're not, but I'm not sure how to type this out correctly... I just needed to put it somewhere and move on with my life. I'm not gonna dwell on it any further but it's nice to vent.
It feels like all my relationships just stop at the surface. Not sure why I don't feel grateful and instead feel empty and transparent. Like there's this emotional wall between people and I. I'm not sure if I'll be able to truly connect with anyone. My entourage is a bit emotionally... stifled. As much as I like my friends, it's clear they're here to have fun, and that's it. I could never speak to them about my issues or anything of the sorts. I'll never be able to confide in them. I think that prevents me from truly feeling heard and in turn, that turns me into some kind of ghost of myself. I end up performing a version of me that feels fun but ain't me.
I've realized that to keep your relationships going, or just to be socially accepted, you have to be outgoing, fun, and sociable. You can never allow yourself to be weak and vulnerable (that is, depressed and suicidal and not always happy-go-lucky). So I'm just not sure how to feel satisfied with my friendships. They don't bring me joy. I just feel there.
I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, and I'm sure there are a million posts just like this one. I'm also aware this makes me sound quite pompous and like one of those people who think they're deep when they're not, but I'm not sure how to type this out correctly... I just needed to put it somewhere and move on with my life. I'm not gonna dwell on it any further but it's nice to vent.
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