Help I need a solution to my life

[Bvnrot]

After finishing highschool, I thought I'd have it all figured out but barely anything has changed. I bedrot basically every day and the summer has passed without anything cool or interesting happening. My family is going to shit and my parents argue everyday, those same parents are extremely transphobic and will disown me as soon as they find out I'm one of those "transvestites" they hate so much.

I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own mind: I can't do anything worthwhile and nothing's really interesting to me anymore, I suffer from extremely frequent intrusive thoughts, I can't make friends even though I constantly try and I'm overall becoming a shittier person as time passes.
I'm a horrible partner to my boyfriend and I'm becoming more irritable as time passes; I started smoking, drinking, and cutting myself to the point that I smoke a pack a week and I'm always at least a bit tipsy.

I'm seriously considering CTB, I really don't know how to get better because it feels like my mind itself is working against me.
I need help, or at least someone to understand how I'm feeling. I'm so tired of feeling alone, I never feel loved or included in anything and I fully know that it's completely my fault.

 

[meowpuppy]

relatable wrt to the bedrotting.. also relatable on being trans and having probably not supportive parents.. i don't really have a lot of advice but i really hope you feel better soon

 

[pkeylimepie]

Is there an activity that you enjoy (or maybe even just curious about) that could be done in physical proximity to others? I used to have a hobby I loved like that, that required being around other people. Eventually just showing up at the same place a few times every week over time gave me an opportunity to make a few new acquaintances and friends because the activity gave us something common to talk about.

Maybe there is something like that for you too?