Wishing suicide since childhood

[HillWhereIWillRest]

planning since adolescence and now that I'm so sick, struggling to live, I don't want to die.
I realized that I just wanted to stop suffering, to have a life like the others, to be someone emotionally and physically healthy.

I have been struggling to live for my family. I complained about my life, which was horrible, difficult, unhappy, with diseases, limitations, pain and suffering, but I was less worse than I am now.

If I could go back to the past I would have done everything differently.

I want to live so badly! I want to be healthy so much!

Several times I came here on the forum to complain and say I want CTB. I spent months studying methods, now I have been praying for a miracle.

I have BPD, social anxiety, dissociation, autoimmune diseases... Everything is extremely exhausting for me. I need to be on medication all day. Still, I realized that I want to continue, I'm not ready to go.

I wanted to go back to June, everything got worse in July.
I wish I could sleep at any time of the day and not just at night even though I'm so sleepy now.
I wish I could eat any food, but my diet is so restricted.
I wish I could sit on the couch and watch movies with my family, but I can't because my symptoms disturb me.
I wish I could leave the room now and hug my niece.
I want to look in the mirror and find myself ugly as before, now I look and see someone who is very sick and unhappy.

Everyone turned away from me. Only my family and two people still close but they seem to be getting tired of me.

This is no longer living, I'm surviving.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

planning since adolescence and now that I'm so sick, struggling to live, I don't want to die.
I realized that I just wanted to stop suffering, to have a life like the others, to be someone emotionally and physically healthy.

I have been struggling to live for my family. I complained about my life, which was horrible, difficult, unhappy, with diseases, limitations, pain and suffering, but I was less worse than I am now.

If I could go back to the past I would have done everything differently.

I want to live so badly! I want to be healthy so much!

Several times I came here on the forum to complain and say I want CTB. I spent months studying methods, now I have been praying for a miracle.

I have BPD, social anxiety, dissociation, autoimmune diseases... Everything is extremely exhausting for me. I need to be on medication all day. Still, I realized that I want to continue, I'm not ready to go.

I wanted to go back to June, everything got worse in July.
I wish I could sleep at any time of the day and not just at night even though I'm so sleepy now.
I wish I could eat any food, but my diet is so restricted.
I wish I could sit on the couch and watch movies with my family, but I can't because my symptoms disturb me.
I wish I could leave the room now and hug my niece.
I want to look in the mirror and find myself ugly as before, now I look and see someone who is very sick and unhappy.

Everyone turned away from me. Only my family and two people still close but they seem to be getting tired of me.

This is no longer living, I'm surviving.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Are there any medications you can try to help with your illness?

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry you're suffering so much. you're always welcome to vent on here.

you said that your family is getting tired of you. would they be willing to find a therapist for you? is therapy an available thing where you are, and would you be comfortable going to it?