Hello!
I'm really worried about me. I read all these threads where people explain their methods, say goodby and so on, and mostly I don't feel anything. Am I really so fucked up? Or is it just a protective mechanism because it would destroy me even more?
Today I read and saw a thread, where someone posted a picture of himself after shooting his face. It was terrible. I didn't want to see it but he didn't mentioned he would post it. I can't unsee it now, it was terrible. Today I feel everything. A 19 years old girl committed suicide today, it is such a young age...the world is just a terrible place..
I think this forum is for me a boon and bane at the same time. Noone can give me the feeling to be understood fully as you guys. But at the same time, I now know all this storys, methods and things, i can never forget. I excactly know how to kill myself if I hat the courage to just buy the SN. I'm really so scared of getting trouble with the police and law. I live in austria (not australia!) and it's very difficult to get it here. I don't want to get in more trouble and have other liabilities when ordering it. I know a website of poland where I could order it but I am just too afraid. Is someone of germany/austria/italy or a near country who has bought a lot of SN and would be willimg to share it with me? I would be soo thankful.
I don't want to cbt the next months bc the last months were the first time since more then 10 years (i am 26 now) I felt a little better. Depression has ruined my whole adolescents and I can nerver get that back. Now I think my depressions gets worse again, I want to have a "safety" plan bc I can never ever feel that feelings again which I felt the last years. It was a constant nightmare for more then 10 years, I was in the psych ward a lot, there haf happend things I can never forget..and I also won't ever forget how I felt the last years. I'm so scared to feel that again. I want to have a way out, I really need it so much! Ate their people from europe, who got SN wothout problem in the EU? I really don't know if I can make myself buy it, bc my anxiety is undescripable...but I will try it for as long as I need.
I always knew I won't have a long life. Even as a kid (I think I was 10 or younger) I couldn't imagine growing old. When I was at this age, a friend of my brother died of suicide. Noone could relate, just me. I somehow could relate to him and understood.
A few days ago my roomrate told me that his cusiene died. He hang himself and he had to little children and a wife. He said it was so selfish and he didn't understand why he did that. I think "normal healthy" people can't imagine the pain which we "mentally ill" people experince. I'm actually glad they can't imagine this pain. I wouldn't wish it my worst enemy.
I know that someday I will end my life. I don't know when yet, but I want to be prepared. It will never be an impulsive act. I've already attempted suicide several times; each time I woke up feeling so terrible that it didn't work. With SN, I have hope, hope that it will work, that I won't wake up again. Only access to it is still standing in my way.
I don't know what I want to say with this thread, maybe just share my thoughts. Maybe someone can relate. I would be very happy if someone could text back, if not, then it's okay too.
I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like an alien in this world I was never meant to be in.
Wish you all a lot of strength.
I'm really worried about me. I read all these threads where people explain their methods, say goodby and so on, and mostly I don't feel anything. Am I really so fucked up? Or is it just a protective mechanism because it would destroy me even more?
Today I read and saw a thread, where someone posted a picture of himself after shooting his face. It was terrible. I didn't want to see it but he didn't mentioned he would post it. I can't unsee it now, it was terrible. Today I feel everything. A 19 years old girl committed suicide today, it is such a young age...the world is just a terrible place..
I think this forum is for me a boon and bane at the same time. Noone can give me the feeling to be understood fully as you guys. But at the same time, I now know all this storys, methods and things, i can never forget. I excactly know how to kill myself if I hat the courage to just buy the SN. I'm really so scared of getting trouble with the police and law. I live in austria (not australia!) and it's very difficult to get it here. I don't want to get in more trouble and have other liabilities when ordering it. I know a website of poland where I could order it but I am just too afraid. Is someone of germany/austria/italy or a near country who has bought a lot of SN and would be willimg to share it with me? I would be soo thankful.
I don't want to cbt the next months bc the last months were the first time since more then 10 years (i am 26 now) I felt a little better. Depression has ruined my whole adolescents and I can nerver get that back. Now I think my depressions gets worse again, I want to have a "safety" plan bc I can never ever feel that feelings again which I felt the last years. It was a constant nightmare for more then 10 years, I was in the psych ward a lot, there haf happend things I can never forget..and I also won't ever forget how I felt the last years. I'm so scared to feel that again. I want to have a way out, I really need it so much! Ate their people from europe, who got SN wothout problem in the EU? I really don't know if I can make myself buy it, bc my anxiety is undescripable...but I will try it for as long as I need.
I always knew I won't have a long life. Even as a kid (I think I was 10 or younger) I couldn't imagine growing old. When I was at this age, a friend of my brother died of suicide. Noone could relate, just me. I somehow could relate to him and understood.
A few days ago my roomrate told me that his cusiene died. He hang himself and he had to little children and a wife. He said it was so selfish and he didn't understand why he did that. I think "normal healthy" people can't imagine the pain which we "mentally ill" people experince. I'm actually glad they can't imagine this pain. I wouldn't wish it my worst enemy.
I know that someday I will end my life. I don't know when yet, but I want to be prepared. It will never be an impulsive act. I've already attempted suicide several times; each time I woke up feeling so terrible that it didn't work. With SN, I have hope, hope that it will work, that I won't wake up again. Only access to it is still standing in my way.
I don't know what I want to say with this thread, maybe just share my thoughts. Maybe someone can relate. I would be very happy if someone could text back, if not, then it's okay too.
I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like an alien in this world I was never meant to be in.
Wish you all a lot of strength.
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