Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Playing fast and loose now with drug combos and dosages, telling myself that it's only for some blessed, rare relief from that stabbing, burning, ever-aching pain...
The NHS has failed me. Each and every specialist I turn to just wants to palm me off in another direction. Trying to tell me I'm fine when it's blatant that I'm not.
I don't even have the choice to go private as my partner may looking at redundancy due to covid; if not, we're definitely looking at an income decrease as he's put on furlough for duration unknown. I'm delaying appointments until we know for sure what's going on, shrugging off red flags and desperately pretending to be okay because I know my partner is stressed and that the health system is stretched. I don't want to be a burden but I just can't function. Want the ground to open up n swallow me.
All is lost.
It's going to be too late before they find it.
I don't want a slow painful death where even those closest to me doubt my illness and my motivations, it's so hard to even exist without hating being conscious, feeling guilty for what I'm not doing and mourning for the previous me...
I know I won't ctb taking a few doses extra or a make couple of contraindications combos here n there but I really wish it were that easy to slip away. I've read articles about people who only took like a dose extra n they just DIED n I think, "you lucky, lucky bastards!"...
Amazing how fragile yet how resilient the human body can be - mine has survived several attempts to ctb yet I know I've not even wanted to be here for quite some time!! Why won't my goddamn brain overrule my stupid weak body, if mind prevails over matter??!
I read an article where people can just stop existing by completely just checking out mentally. Check it out, it's called "psychogenic death". Disassociation at it's best! Wish I could do that. My body is so weak but my mind is filled with so much pain, anguish and frustration that it must surely be the victor of the two??
Self destruct button upgrade please (n not the slow, agonising kind that seems to plague me now)! Swift, click of a button, bosh.
Think I read a book once where it had a depressive Android what had a suicide button it'd press when it got overwhelmed. I think it came back to life again though so that would suck...
*Welcome to substance combination number 73 (probably? Who's counting??)*:
tasting notes: somewhat pensive but pleasantly floaty; nice numb feeling on the skin that doesn't quite reach deep enough to be of any real comfort; suicidal overtones.
*smacks lips*
Bit of a cherry aftertaste.
The NHS has failed me. Each and every specialist I turn to just wants to palm me off in another direction. Trying to tell me I'm fine when it's blatant that I'm not.
I don't even have the choice to go private as my partner may looking at redundancy due to covid; if not, we're definitely looking at an income decrease as he's put on furlough for duration unknown. I'm delaying appointments until we know for sure what's going on, shrugging off red flags and desperately pretending to be okay because I know my partner is stressed and that the health system is stretched. I don't want to be a burden but I just can't function. Want the ground to open up n swallow me.
All is lost.
It's going to be too late before they find it.
I don't want a slow painful death where even those closest to me doubt my illness and my motivations, it's so hard to even exist without hating being conscious, feeling guilty for what I'm not doing and mourning for the previous me...
I know I won't ctb taking a few doses extra or a make couple of contraindications combos here n there but I really wish it were that easy to slip away. I've read articles about people who only took like a dose extra n they just DIED n I think, "you lucky, lucky bastards!"...
Amazing how fragile yet how resilient the human body can be - mine has survived several attempts to ctb yet I know I've not even wanted to be here for quite some time!! Why won't my goddamn brain overrule my stupid weak body, if mind prevails over matter??!
I read an article where people can just stop existing by completely just checking out mentally. Check it out, it's called "psychogenic death". Disassociation at it's best! Wish I could do that. My body is so weak but my mind is filled with so much pain, anguish and frustration that it must surely be the victor of the two??
Self destruct button upgrade please (n not the slow, agonising kind that seems to plague me now)! Swift, click of a button, bosh.
Think I read a book once where it had a depressive Android what had a suicide button it'd press when it got overwhelmed. I think it came back to life again though so that would suck...
*Welcome to substance combination number 73 (probably? Who's counting??)*:
tasting notes: somewhat pensive but pleasantly floaty; nice numb feeling on the skin that doesn't quite reach deep enough to be of any real comfort; suicidal overtones.
*smacks lips*
Bit of a cherry aftertaste.
