Venting why oh why did I give up on this plan.

[Motoko]

Hello everyone,

I just need to quickly get something off my chest.

Due to many reasons, with one being a determinant one, I finally decided to do it.

I was supposed to ctb on New Years Eve 2019. I quit my job which was the most promising job in my life. Cancelled anything that was associated with my personal data etc.

I didn't have guts to do it. I feel so bad about myself that I didn't have enough courage.

Then I said that I will ctb when my savings will end. Again, no courage.
After few months I had no money at all so I sold my phone to have money for food and got a minimum wage job (only possible option during covid).

I've had a loop tied around my neck while standing on chair for about 10 times already. I got so used to it that at the time I was sure that I'm more than ready and "experienced", but no.

One day I will share more about my life etc., but disregarding all that, I just have no idea why am I still playing this stupid game.

 

[Worndown]

Probably because you were not ready to go. It sounds line you had it set up. SI stopped the plan.

 

[ThreeWords]

SI is tough and it becomes really easy to miss your own deadlines. I've been there several times also. I'm hoping for some changes for you, and whatever you decide, you find some peace.

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

That happens. I failed my suicide attempt because I didn't take the lethal dose in the end and I also think about it and tell myself I should've done it.

 

[Meditation guide]

was supposed to ctb on New Years Eve 2019. I quit my job which was the most promising job in my life. Cancelled anything that was associated with my personal data etc.

I didn't have guts to do it.

When you get that far down mentally it's easy to destroy what little you have.