I'm exhausted from dealing with PTSD and ASD and the long term isolation they cause. I don't want to live and I have a solid, easy method, but I can't do it right now because my best friend is in the middle of cancer treatment. I don't want to drop that ball of grief in her lap.
I get into this headspace where it's really intense and I can't remember my friends, who they are, that they exist, and I get really fixated on collecting supplies to create my setup.
I hate that when I do remember my friends I have to lie to them. I hate it. I don't like lying to my friends AT. ALL. And I have to minimize everything to my therapist. I don't like lying to her either.
I'm getting everything together so that when my friend is better I can make like I'm moving away and just do the damn thing.
And in addition, I'm sure this could all be addressed. Most mental health things are treatable, and I have the income and insurance to afford really good therapy, but I live in a van with no fixed place to park and if I were to be hospitalized I may well get towed and not be able to afford to get my home out of impound.
Then again, the ASD makes the sensory aspect of the psych ward overwhelming and when I'm trying to get away from everyone it runs a high likelihood of creating huge conflict. High functioning autism, female presentation looks like a normal but high maintenance demanding person to most people. Psych staff don't dig it. I went in once. I'd be willing to try one more time but the risk of homelessness means the risk of not being able to afford the exit bag equipment or a place to do it, both of which can be expensive. A rented room with roommates would be attainable but leaving yourself to be found by someone who knows you means dropping trauma in them by choice and I don't feel okay doing that. Never in a million years. Better to be found by strangers with a warning on the other side of a curtain.
I get into this headspace where it's really intense and I can't remember my friends, who they are, that they exist, and I get really fixated on collecting supplies to create my setup.
I hate that when I do remember my friends I have to lie to them. I hate it. I don't like lying to my friends AT. ALL. And I have to minimize everything to my therapist. I don't like lying to her either.
I'm getting everything together so that when my friend is better I can make like I'm moving away and just do the damn thing.
And in addition, I'm sure this could all be addressed. Most mental health things are treatable, and I have the income and insurance to afford really good therapy, but I live in a van with no fixed place to park and if I were to be hospitalized I may well get towed and not be able to afford to get my home out of impound.
Then again, the ASD makes the sensory aspect of the psych ward overwhelming and when I'm trying to get away from everyone it runs a high likelihood of creating huge conflict. High functioning autism, female presentation looks like a normal but high maintenance demanding person to most people. Psych staff don't dig it. I went in once. I'd be willing to try one more time but the risk of homelessness means the risk of not being able to afford the exit bag equipment or a place to do it, both of which can be expensive. A rented room with roommates would be attainable but leaving yourself to be found by someone who knows you means dropping trauma in them by choice and I don't feel okay doing that. Never in a million years. Better to be found by strangers with a warning on the other side of a curtain.
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