Why can't i get better?

[Leonard_Bangley39]

Realistically speaking, everything that is wrong with me or that i don't like about my life is within my power to change. I don't like my body? I can just work out and gain the body i want. I don't even need to pay for a gym membership or anything. i could do simple exercises on my bedroom floor like pushups, squats, lunges, pullups, etc that don't require special machines and improve that way. but i don't

i don't like my social life? I could just go out and talk to more people. i could strike up a conversation with a random stranger while at Walmart or the gas station. try to make more friends. but i don't.

i don't like my financial situation? i could pick up overtime. i could save more and spend less. i could make a better resume and try to find a better job. i could pick up a part time job along my full time job. i could donate plasma. i could find a 'side hustle'. but i don't.

i don't like the way i think? i could change the way i think. change my mentality. try to be more positive and optimistic. but i don't.

all of my problems are fixable, and yet I'm not doing anything to fix them. i look at people who have their life together and i hate myself for not being them. people always tell me that i cant compare myself to others or that change needs time or whatever and it doesn't do jack shit. I've been this way my entire life since childhood, saying 'comparison is the thief of joy' in a dismissive tone isn't going to just flip a switch in my head. it isn't going to just erase the past 20 years of my life and change the way my brain fundamentally works. i don't even know why i post these, i don't want a solution, i just want to vent and cry until i have nothing left to vent about do i can at least feel a little better. i don't think I'll ever be a good person. ill always be a pathetic failure of a human. ill always look at the people around me in bitter envy while i rot away in my secluded isolation. look at me, a normal person doesn't post like this. i sound like a fucking psycho. why am i like this. nobody wants to hang out of some bitter pieces of shit who's always negative about everything. why would someone want to be friends with someone who's always envious of everyone. they'd just get sick of the annoying negativity. i wish i had a billion dollars so i could just buy a small house and live like a hikikomori for the rest of my life and never have to worry about money or anything. i miss being a shut-in in Tokyo. living off 7-11 meals and laying in my futon day in day out. i didn't have to worry about anything. id just doomscroll all night long and then cut myself when the mental anguish of being a failure became too much. i don't want to work. i don't want to talk to people. i don't want to go outside. i just want to exist in solitude forever. as of i were the only person left on earth.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

things will never get better.

 

[tymiaomioa]

I don't know much about your personality or family background. But I imagine that, in your current situation, you must be feeling extremely exhausted both physically and emotionally.

From the way you express yourself, I'm guessing that you might also be a sensitive person. You may be placing too much of your attention on the outside world, which causes you to overconsume your emotional energy. Even if you want to change, you may not have the long-term energy needed to sustain that change.

But in any case, the thoughts you're having right now are absolutely not because there is something wrong with you. Please try not to criticize yourself too much.