Venting Does it ever get better????

[miceonvenus]

i think when i was a kid i used to be somewhat happy, but the first time i thought about ctb was when i was 9 and it's just been downhill from there. every day i go to work and spend the whole time thinking about how much i don't want to be here, then when i go home i spent the evening staring at the ceiling or my phone until i go to bed, then get up the next day to do it all again.

am i missing something or is this all there is???? how can everyone else live like this and not want to ctb?? i'm doing comparatively well too, i have a job, friends, a boyfriend, some money, i live in a first world country where i don't really want for anything and i'm relatively healthy, but everything is still more effort than it's worth.

i feel like the main factor driving me to ctb is that i'd rather not live than keep living like this. does anyone else feel this way? is there a way not to? :(

 

[pancakelover20]

i feel the same way. i get fleeting moments of relief when im distracted but eventually it fades into the same feeling of futility. if i sit with myself long enough it comes back. it gets exhausting, i feel like everything that pulls me away from it is me lying to myself. if i am thinking, there it is. if im honest, there it is.

but the closest i get to peace is that. if its not emptiness im having like a mental breakdown, but i hate them both.

im either distracted, empty, or crashing tf out. it feels like insanity. life feels like a joke.

 

[Redacted24]

I think it can. When I was much younger I only thought about permanently exiting every day for .... many years. It's what kept me going, the planning and getting everything in place.

Then I went to another country to help me disappear. Lived rough for awhile, but found work, and then somehow at some point discovered I didn't think about being dead for awhile.

That was, um...40 years ago

So, yeah it's possible