Painless_end
Life is too difficult for me
- Oct 11, 2019
- 794
Back in 2012-13, when I was working in my first full-time job straight out of college, I had to make a very hard decision involving whether I should go for higher education in another country.
Long story short, I desperately wanted to quit my job, but I was getting more and more terrified of moving to another country for a higher degree and potentially seeing very little of my parents once I left.
My undergraduate degree was a mess, even though I completed it, I didn't like the subject or the coursework much.
Now, I was supposed to work full-time in a job I didn't like, and make a decision to study abroad for a subject which I didn't like, but the experience of studying abroad itself was the prize, no matter the course.
Now, I am not a very strong individual mentally, and this decision seemed hazardous and I began to fear I would die because of the sheer stress and difficulty of having to move overseas when I was already in deep depression in my country, working a job only 20 miles from home, and coming home to see my parents everyday. The existing job was kicking my ass and everyday I found it more difficult to survive because my mental capacity was constantly overwhelmed.
Again long story short, I didn't go abroad. And I also quit my job and stayed home for 2 years that proved agonizing for my mother.
Why am I saying all this now ? I wished that I could have been
A) Smart and driven enough to leave this country where I still am, all these years later
Or
B) Kill myself so that I wouldn't have to deal with what I'm dealing now.
There was no C option. I was moving towards B because of my mental weaknesses.
I am stuck now because despite so many years have passed, I can neither execute A nor B.
I wish I could have died. I sorely wish.
Long story short, I desperately wanted to quit my job, but I was getting more and more terrified of moving to another country for a higher degree and potentially seeing very little of my parents once I left.
My undergraduate degree was a mess, even though I completed it, I didn't like the subject or the coursework much.
Now, I was supposed to work full-time in a job I didn't like, and make a decision to study abroad for a subject which I didn't like, but the experience of studying abroad itself was the prize, no matter the course.
Now, I am not a very strong individual mentally, and this decision seemed hazardous and I began to fear I would die because of the sheer stress and difficulty of having to move overseas when I was already in deep depression in my country, working a job only 20 miles from home, and coming home to see my parents everyday. The existing job was kicking my ass and everyday I found it more difficult to survive because my mental capacity was constantly overwhelmed.
Again long story short, I didn't go abroad. And I also quit my job and stayed home for 2 years that proved agonizing for my mother.
Why am I saying all this now ? I wished that I could have been
A) Smart and driven enough to leave this country where I still am, all these years later
Or
B) Kill myself so that I wouldn't have to deal with what I'm dealing now.
There was no C option. I was moving towards B because of my mental weaknesses.
I am stuck now because despite so many years have passed, I can neither execute A nor B.
I wish I could have died. I sorely wish.
