Why am I so worthless?

[sakakap]

It's like no matter where I go I'll inevitably get mistreated. Classmates practically go out of their way to ignore me which I guess is preferable to how things were before uni, though only barely. I don't want to die --I've never actually wanted to die-- but the way others choose to interact with me makes me feel like I don't have another choice. Life is unbearable like this, I feel like a social freak. Even those who claim to be different will lie, cheat and/or leave. Why does everyone get to have friends except me? Why do I have to be so unlikable? Why am I not allowed to come to the conclusion that life doesn't have enough ups to compensate for its oh so many downs? I genuinely thought things were getting better but they weren't, they never will. If things could change they would've by now. Why can't people just be nice :(

 

[EmptyBottle]

hi, welcome to SaSu.. I agree, many people should be nicer to each other... at least here people usually seem to understand or at least show concern for each other.

 

[fiber-limb]

I can tell you that this is not a unique experience. There is nothing uniquely unlikable or unworthy about you. We are living in incredibly atomised and isolated environments. We are apes that are maladaptive. We've been trapped by those much more powerful than us in spirals of misery that they directly profit from.

I'm starting to ramble a bit. My point is, it's not you my friend. All of us are living through this. I have no advice on feeling better as I am in the exact same boat as you, but i can commiserate. It is not your fault. you are not a bad person , and even though you may not find it, you are deserving of companionship.

hi, welcome to SaSu.. I agree, many people should be nicer to each other... at least here people usually seem to understand or at least show concern for each other.

sasu is a bit of a silly name. i'm also new here, is that the official terminology? sasu sasu.. lole .

 

[Redacted24]

Completely agree!
I have never experienced the feeling of acceptance and genuine empathy until finding this site.

Honestly, the community here has kept me going these past few years - I came here actively looking to expedite my departure, but am now looking for ways to end my bad life and get a better life going.

I think that nice, genuine people are around. Finding them... that's a different challenge.

 

[EmptyBottle]

sasu is a bit of a silly name. i'm also new here, is that the official terminology? sasu sasu.. lole .

It's an acronym... some call it ss... and I sometimes even called it "the purple forum" coz it has a purple theme.

 

[fiber-limb]

It's an acronym... some call it ss... and I sometimes even called it "the purple forum" coz it has a purple theme.

purple sasu purple sasu purple sasu .

 

[Irisse]

It's like no matter where I go I'll inevitably get mistreated. Classmates practically go out of their way to ignore me which I guess is preferable to how things were before uni, though only barely. I don't want to die --I've never actually wanted to die-- but the way others choose to interact with me makes me feel like I don't have another choice. Life is unbearable like this, I feel like a social freak. Even those who claim to be different will lie, cheat and/or leave. Why does everyone get to have friends except me? Why do I have to be so unlikable? Why am I not allowed to come to the conclusion that life doesn't have enough ups to compensate for its oh so many downs? I genuinely thought things were getting better but they weren't, they never will. If things could change they would've by now. Why can't people just be nice :(

When did the ignoring start? How were things before Uni? I understand your isolation as I went through something similar in primary school and high school. Are there any clubs or groups related to hobbies? These can be a good way to make friends. How many more years do you have with those classmates? I know this is a lot of questions but if you don't really want to die you should grab any opportunity to improve your circumstances before you decide on death.

 

[sakakap]

When did the ignoring start? How were things before Uni? I understand your isolation as I went through something similar in primary school and high school. Are there any clubs or groups related to hobbies? These can be a good way to make friends. How many more years do you have with those classmates? I know this is a lot of questions but if you don't really want to die you should grab any opportunity to improve your circumstances before you decide on death.

I think it started when I was 11 or 12. It was way worse in high school, it even caused me to drop out at 15. I've thought about joining some kind of club but I haven't had a hobby since middle school so I wouldn't really know where to begin, I was also cheated on by my girlfriend while I was on the other side of the world to be with her so I don't feel very safe around people anymore either.
I've only known them for about a month but I don't see it getting much better. It feels like I'm not allowed to win. Either I die of loneliness or I die because of the way people are.
I'm sorry for being so negative and I appreciate your help but it's been a decade and no matter how naive I become things just never seem to change :(

did it get better for you

 

[Irisse]

I think it started when I was 11 or 12. It was way worse in high school, it even caused me to drop out at 15. I've thought about joining some kind of club but I haven't had a hobby since middle school so I wouldn't really know where to begin, I was also cheated on by my girlfriend while I was on the other side of the world to be with her so I don't feel very safe around people anymore either.
I've only known them for about a month but I don't see it getting much better. It feels like I'm not allowed to win. Either I die of loneliness or I die because of the way people are.
I'm sorry for being so negative and I appreciate your help but it's been a decade and no matter how naive I become things just never seem to change :(

did it get better for you

I'm sorry that all of that happened to you, and don't worry, you are not being negative. I do believe your people are somewhere out there. Though I understand that you no longer trust anyone after that betrayal with your girlfriend.

Do you like what you're studying in Uni? If so, focus on that. From what I understand, it's only the first month and you don't have exams yet? I'm absolutely sure that, once your exams start, everyone will talk about it, so you too can join the conversation. Try to find common conversation topics and interests. Be friendly but with healthy boundaries. Don't act to desperate for company, as it usually repells people. I believe you can do it.

As for me, I went through abuse by my classmates from first(6yo) to eighth(14yo) grade, and that is the main reason I'm here. I was completely friendless in that class. Then in high school, I had different, better classmates, but I was too scared to befriend them because of past abuse. So in high school I was lonely and ignored but at least not bullied.

It did get better for me in terms of friendlesness. I managed to make one definitive friend and some acquiantances who are potential friends. So for me Uni is a much better experience than high school and primary school.

Of course, if you are really sure that it's over for you, I understand. I wish you peace in your future regardless of the decision you make.

 

[sakakap]

I'm sorry that all of that happened to you, and don't worry, you are not being negative. I do believe your people are somewhere out there. Though I understand that you no longer trust anyone after that betrayal with your girlfriend.

Do you like what you're studying in Uni? If so, focus on that. From what I understand, it's only the first month and you don't have exams yet? I'm absolutely sure that, once your exams start, everyone will talk about it, so you too can join the conversation. Try to find common conversation topics and interests. Be friendly but with healthy boundaries. Don't act to desperate for company, as it usually repells people. I believe you can do it.

As for me, I went through abuse by my classmates from first(6yo) to eighth(14yo) grade, and that is the main reason I'm here. I was completely friendless in that class. Then in high school, I had different, better classmates, but I was too scared to befriend them because of past abuse. So in high school I was lonely and ignored but at least not bullied.

It did get better for me in terms of friendlesness. I managed to make one definitive friend and some acquiantances who are potential friends. So for me Uni is a much better experience than high school and primary school.

Of course, if you are really sure that it's over for you, I understand. I wish you peace in your future regardless of the decision you make.

Maybe but how could I realistically expect to find them? I'm so visibly broken I probably wouldn't want to be around me either, I wasn't even in kindergarten yet when I shut down emotionally because of my oversensitivity and I don't think that ever got undone. How do you make friends when you don't even know how to be happy anymore :( like even when I feel like I'm smiling I just look so depressed.

I kind of like what I'm studying but I had my first presentation today and it went absolutely terribly. I thought I prepared well but I had no idea what to say and I'm pretty sure I started talking way too softly as well.

I'm glad to hear things got better for you. My classmates seem nice but I feel too unlikable. I think I'm too depressed to be friends with.

Thanks. I'm not sure about anything anymore. I just want to feel okay for once like everyone else seems to be :(

 

[Irisse]

Maybe but how could I realistically expect to find them? I'm so visibly broken I probably wouldn't want to be around me either, I wasn't even in kindergarten yet when I shut down emotionally because of my oversensitivity and I don't think that ever got undone. How do you make friends when you don't even know how to be happy anymore :( like even when I feel like I'm smiling I just look so depressed.

I kind of like what I'm studying but I had my first presentation today and it went absolutely terribly. I thought I prepared well but I had no idea what to say and I'm pretty sure I started talking way too softly as well.

I'm glad to hear things got better for you. My classmates seem nice but I feel too unlikable. I think I'm too depressed to be friends with.

Thanks. I'm not sure about anything anymore. I just want to feel okay for once like everyone else seems to be :(

I felt the same way around my University classmates in the beginning. But I realized, sometimes you have to put on an act. Most people are self-centered, unless you are literally crying or visibly upset, most of them wouldn't even know that you are depressed.

There was actually a situation in the beginning of my Uni experience where I literally cried, tears and sniffing and everything. Yet everyone was friendly and asked if I was okay. I do not recommend crying, I am just trying to tell you that even if you feel depressed or negative it's not that big of a deal. And even if for other people it is a big deal, they are not meant to be your friends anyways (in a sense that they mock you or something).

Just... Be a friend you would like to have. Lend your notes. Say hi to your classmates whenever you see them. Preferably try to not look sad while doing it. Help with schoolwork if you can. When others see you as reliable, they will start to open up. Maybe they'll invite you to a cup of coffee, or a party, or they will simply start small talk.

I also can't do presentations unless I literally learn word for word what I'm going to say, just as I would learn a paragraph of a lesson. Maybe that can help you? And don't worry, everyone had a bad presentation in their life. Your classmates will forget about it in a day or two.

If you think you can't do any of it, I understand. But I believe ctb is a very final decision, and that you should try to improve your life before you make that decision. We all have our reasons as to why we are here, but some situations might be helped if you look through a different perspective. Again, if you think ctb is your answer, I won't discourage you from it. But I think you have potential and that you might try adult life first and then decide whether or not it's for you.

I wish you the best.

 

[Manaaja]

Worth isn't decided by how the ignorant treat you, I mean, Ted Bundy had tons of female fans, even though he was a serial killer.

You just have to make the decision to care more about your own perception of yourself than others, don't put others on a pedestal. That way you become more confident and immune to other's judgement, and when you are confident and uncaring, you become more liked and respected, as crazy as it sounds.

So ironically, the more worthless you treat others, the more worthy you are in their eyes. Of course I'd prefer that one's social worthiness is decided by their heart and goodness and skills and sense of justice, but alas, people are idiots.