So fucking conflicted

[momentomori00]

I really don't wanna hurt my mom. She's given me her all and i know that me making this decision would scar her for life, I don't know how she'd deal with the grief. At the same time, the amount of weight and anger and frustration I carry is unbearable. The weight of my past actions haunts me and it's genuinely become impossible for me to carry. I've seen therapists, psychiatrists, anybody I can get my hands on, but I'm so tired nothing helps. I'm so sick of feeling stuck in a life that wasn't supposed to be mine.

I have passions I have things I want to do but if it means I have to carry this weight with me then those things are rendered impossible. What am I to do? I want to leave but I don't want to hurt her, it's not her burden to carry. Even if I die 'accidentally' the grief would still be unbearable for her, I'm all she has. What am I to do? I feel like I'm in limbo all the time. I just want the weight to go, I want the pain to end. But why should that entail my mom carrying my burden instead?

 

[EmptyBottle]

Not sure if one has tried DBT, journaling, or meditation... I heard somewhere that DBT has helped a person here.
If one is religious, maybe going to confession might help?

 

[momentomori00]

I have tried all 3, they don't help much unfortunately :c I think I'm just innately angry. I'm not religious soo yeah, but if I do have a god I trust that he has forgiven me so that's not as much of a concern. It's just the weight of the regret frustration and anger is unbearable.

 

[StarryEyed]

Hi. Is it possible to speak to your Mom about how you're thinking and feeling?