Discussion When did you stop trying to recover?

[red_cardinal]

I've been trying to improve my mental health since 19. I'm 31 now. I'm still miserable with some exception days, when I have fun and feel like life is worth it. But as soon as there are no distractions, I have a void in my soul that nothing so far has been able to fill. I tried the unhealthy solution, primarily alcohol, when I was in my mid-20s. Now 've been sober for some years, and I resist the temptation no matter how tough it is. I've been in various therapies since 21, without making as much progress so as to make a big difference in my daily life.

I struggle with C-PTSD, and next week I'm starting EMDR. I'm neurodivergent. I live in constant depersonalization and derealization, and nothing worked so far for it. I've been dealing with poorer balance and coordination the past 2-3 years, my spine hurts chronically due to past injury and scoliosis, I have open bite and the BIMAX surgery is one hell of a process, not to mention it requires travelling and some hefty money for braces and investigations. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. I see my reactions and actions being so, so often dictated by my trauma, I live with constant hypervigilance to the point that alone I think threw me in chronic dissociative state. I can no longer hold down a job. etc etc

My patience is running low, and I'm exhauated by these short cycles (they also suspect cyclothimia) of 'hmm, things might look up' and 'nevermind, I just can't be bothered anymore'. The lows of the cycle happen for no reason, and I'm tired of trying, therapist after therapist, self-restraint so I don't hurt others by being inconsiderate. I feel like a burden, and it doesn't seem to get better. I live with guilt and shame in the back of my mind, and nothing seems good enough to help me.

I was wondering... when does this trying becomes madness, running in circles? When did you decide enough was enough? I want to get better, when things are good they really are, but the vast majority of my life has been painful so far.

 

[Dingo23]

I'm 36, turning 37 this year. The madness that you discribe sets in once you feel that there won't be any improvement in the future.
I isolated myself when I was 15. I became better at school. Started university. Then I fucked everything up. (mostly by becoming addicted to porn and videogames, but also because I'm extremely socially awkward). I quit studying and everything went to shit. Went through therapy and a suicide attempt. Then therapy again. Nothing helped, it was just enough for a dead end job with bad pay.

I wish I would find the courage to try suicide again, like in my younger years. But I became a coward.
I want to pull it off so bad. And it's because I can predict that my future will be horrible. In fact, was able to predict my position that I'm in RIGHT NOW when I was 15. When it all began.

If you try to make an honest prediction, how would you say your future will look like? If there is even a slither of hope, you can try to work towards that. If not, you might be very fucked.

 

[Nangijala]

Posting this just to tell you I relate, I'm in my late 20's and been through several therapists, with chronic dissociation to the point where even as a kid I didnt feel like I was human. I honestly feel like humans are just wired to gradually start hoping again, several times I thought: "this is it, now there is finally no need to fight anymore", but then after some time life just pulls at me again and I start at least going through the motions of living like I have a future.

 

[Forveleth]

When my partner recanted his offer for a trial separation and instead threatened me with a messy divorce. Not only do I not want to go through that shit, I also realized killing myself would leave him in a terrible position. So, as recovery would be far worse for me and potentially better for my partner, I gave up trying to get better. I have wanted to be dead since I was 15, my partner finally gave me the last push I needed.

 

[BullsDon'tFly]

Last year I'd say. I've been lightly depressed since late teenage years, I'm 29 now and had two big crises.
First crists at 25, tried to CTB but my family found out about the equipment and the Police brought me to a psych ward, which was not so terrible actually. I took antidepressants and antipsychotics for 3 years, then a few months after interrupting I had the second mental breakdown that completely destroyed my sense of self.
I took antidepressants again to be able to graduate, but this time I have not regained any hope, and I knew it would have been like that. Now I graduated, stopped taking meds and I'm waiting for the whole silenced desperation to re-emerge and push me to kms.
It's a shame since I've got a lot of friends and almost no health problems, but mental health is equally important when it comes to quality of life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not really mentally ill, just extremely weak and coward, but I don't think it would make a difference...

 

[suncide10]

This year, I'm tired of fighting demons in my head and still feel like shit. Maybe I'll find some strength in the future to try like I did a couple years ago I don't know.

 

[darksouls]

in 2023 I ended up in intensive care unit with sepsis,
I was already severely disabled before the sepsis,
since then I am very weak and I realized that my time is up

 

[ravendrops]

For me it feels like a process. Maybe the grieving process. Bargaining. Anger. Denial. Etc. It feels like my psyche is tottering toward tipping into acceptance.
It's like a gradual shutdown too. Watching the ship systems gradually shut down from the bridge but not having resources or skill to divert reroute repair etc
I dunno. I'm a week away from homeless, I'll be in a shelter at night, but no idea how to get well

 

[angelhopes]

When bad things just started happening to me back to back to the point that I gave up fighting it and I would just wait for it all the time til I finally gain some strength to ctb