Discussion Are you having any violent thoughts?

[anopenwound]

Now that, like, a switch has gone off in my head and I'm calling it quits, I can't stop myself from having a lot of sickening thoughts. I keep going over, again and again, through the fantasy of what I'd do if somebody tried to get into my flat now that I'm basically locked in, no phone, no contact. Point the knife at my throat, arteries marked with a pen, threatening to press it against them if somebody tries to come inside, or to call the cops, or the mental health team. They'll find me dead on arrival. The things I tried to keep leashed in my gut for so long escaping my mouth, the anger and resentment over all the wrongdoing, the incessant attempts at naming my emotions for me, robbing me of any form of agency, making me into some kind of reason as to why their lives haven't been working out. First malicious, then evil, then completely batshit crazy. I can tell what the script would look like. It ain't like anybody would listen to me or what I'd have to say anyway; the irony is that that is exactly why this would be happening. I'd turn crazy cause they'd make me.

I love my friends. One hell of a sentence to read after all this, huh? I love them. And I feel hurt. I feel lonely. The thought of having to listen to yet another protocol speech on how to handle people like me makes me sick. Am I even human to any of them? They all want me to get better and they're so happy when I look it, so that's what I've been doing. That's how I've been trying to look. A knife pressed against my throat; that'd be how tired looks like. They'd say they didn't know it was this bad and I'd start screaming I've been trying to tell you. I told you. You thought I was just saying it. Yet I'm crazy...

I just wanted to be seen. I just wanted to be heard. Why did it have to come to this?

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So yeah, look, anyway. Do you have any thoughts like these?