Discussion What's your 13 reasons why? Just type, don't overthink it

[Rogue_Gendarme]

Exactly as it says. What's your 13 reasons why? (Let's make it 13, just 'cause. I haven't watched the show, though, lol.) I'll start.

Gendarme's Thirteen Reasons Why (In No Particular Order of Importance)

1. Empty feelings and constantly feeling isolated and starkly different from everyone. I could be in a room, sympathize with people, but never "fit in." I'm not the best of personalities. I'm a people-pleaser — I know that much. But even if I'm disagreeable, no one likes me, which brings me to point number...
2. Nobody loves me anyway. If we're talking about 'true love' there's this popular song in my country titled "Pag-Ibig ay Kanibalismo" (Love is Cannibalism) and it talks about how visceral and how brutal and how raw true love actually is. Ergo, you have to sacrifice something to love, and in turn that person loves you unconditionally. I have never met a person like that, whose heart I feasted on and whose love I ate as much as they ate my flesh. Additionally...
3. All my closest friends have either abandoned me or are slowly fading away. So the closest I can get to that visceral, raw love is nothing. It's a nothing burger with a nothing patty. My crush and close friend Clem left me some two years ago, and my dear best friend Rose left me after he did. And me and my friend Sof, we're drifting apart. I can never heal from that nor find any people as intimate I can be with as I could be with them.
4. I have no will to fight. I'm a coward. I'm a desperate loser barking for attention and begging to be euthanized. Death is the only thing keeping me happy and self-harm is once again reinvigorating me. I remember now how it feels to have blood dripping on my skin, like pools of it, and how good it feels to hurt myself because it means I'm in control; I don't want others to hurt me, so I do it myself.
5. I have an "immense soul," "an intelligent mind," and a "handsome face," but all of that matters little when faced with the fact that I'm not happy. The purpose of life is happiness and leisure and progress, but here we all are, desk-ridden, office workers with cactus butt plugs in our asses working ourselves to death while the rich get richer. This future I don't want to continue. I want happiness. I want salvation.
6. I'm not perfect. I've sinned so many times and the accumulated effects of pain and trauma and constant, negative change in my body have made me feel like I'm just wearing decomposing skin and I want to take it off and wear a new one. Body horror in the superficial level, a bit of dysmorphia here and there. I want to wash myself of my sins and wear a new skin and wear a new face. Move far away.
7. I want to end it because I feel stuck. When we get down to the bare reason why I want to catch the bus is because I just want change. That one quote, "the abolition of the present state of things." I want that, along with the guarantee of improvement. I want that, for everyone also, but nobody's willing to fight for it and the few that do are so out-organized and so few, truly. I want to abolish the present and live in the truest, fullest potential the future can bring.
8. Because I'm so misunderstood, even if I don't want to be. People always blame me, nobody asks about my side so I stay quiet and hushed while they make stories about me behind my back. This is that cowardice again. Some of it's my fault but some of it is not. There are genuinely complicated situations in which I didn't do shit but still get blamed anyway because of Occam's razor. Everyone hates me, and I hate everyone.
9. Even if I dream bright, which I always do, and hope for a better future, deep down, I know that that shit's impossible. I see no hope for this planet. World leaders are butt-fucking each other and here we all are breathing in their gas. There is no way in hell any change will happen so long as we live subdued under the comfort of attention-depriving reels and media videos and TikToks and all that shit. I doubt the next generation will even be able to read.
10. I've just decided this, for a long time now. I know this is my fate. I'm a sickly child with asthma who picked up smoking as a side-hobby. I'm do alcohol on the side and I've been on prescription meds since I was 17. Does that sound like a motherfucker who can live up until 120 and still be able to shit on his own? I'll let you decide, but my most rational estimate is that, because I can't even withstand these 19 years of existence, then how the FUCK do I even get to another decade past that, hm?
11. Because I'm in constant, chronic fyucking pain awlll the fucking time. If it's not my hips, it's my head, then my pelvis, then oo-goo-gaga wherever the fuck else my piece of shit twink body decides to hurt. If not physically, too, then mentally. If I'm not having a breakdown, I'm having an episode of reckless rage, and if not that, then I'm constantly feeling empty inside. And that last bit is actually the best feeling, because when I feel empty, at least I don't experience the past abuse, bullying, sexual harassment, trauma, and the 10,000 reasons why I hate my family. Speaking of...
12. I hate my family, and my family hates me. I have no traditional virtue to attach to: I find church cultish, I find school to be too fucking lousy at actually educating even though I'm class valedictorian for like a few years now, and more. My sister vents out all her frustrations at me. My entire family has cordial relations and I'm the black sheep. And for fuck's sake, I live in this house too, all the time, I see their faces, they see mine. The Tagalog term for house is 'Tahanan' (Ta as in Tarrega, Ha as in have, Nan as in Naan bread). It means "place for calming down." Guess fucking what, it's opposite for me, and what a big surprise that is, lemme tell ya.
13. I just can't afford living like this. Continuous suffering. Day and night, ceaseless. If I could get one break, fuck would that be the perfect prelude to the most perfect suicide. But again, even that's a luxury that is barred from me. The simplest things break me down. I want a whole restart, a fresh change. I want to stop feeling like an animal and a prostitute and more like a dignified human. I want to make decisions on my own and not be belittled by my mother all the time. I want freedom and independence. But all my dreams are, again, so much, but for nothing. My passions, my talents. For fuck's sake my guitar skills are conservatory-level, my writing is publishing-level, and I bet I can get slated for a top-Univ slot in my country soon. But again, alas. All for nothing. Because, I know, even then, that I would not be happy. And that's the root cause of why I want to just stop walking the way life points me to and just sit down and wait for the bus.

Thanks for reading if you've read this far. I'm curious to know other people's reasons. Please, speak your mind, fellow SaSu members.

With love, Gendarme

 

[tooafraidtodiez]

I don't have 13 but I can give 3.
Physical pain, constant physical pain that's due to my disablity.
Disability, life changing disability that will slowly but surely take all my happiness away, which I barely have in the first place
The situation that I'm in. Due to my mistakes and my environment, I've been under very stressful circumstances which triggers all sorts of thing including my body pain. Hopefully able to ctb in not so long

 

[BookShelf]

I wouldnt be able to name 13, but one that encapsulates all of my life is the single quote of
"nothing ever happens"

That applies to several aspects of my life.

There is no change.

I can confidently say this is slowly deteriorating my will

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I can only think of 9 reasons:

1. My family has trapped me in a vulnerable situation that I can't escape from and refuses to help me out of it. I hate them for that. They have also never given me any type of emotional support, and all of them were also quite abusive/neglectful as I was growing up.
2. I live in poverty.
3. I suspect I have a bunch of untreated mental illnesses that I can't get help for. Self-care and public recovery methods do not seem to work for me either.
4. I don't enjoy life as a whole.
5. My life is utterly worthless. I do not have a purpose or any set goals.
6. People haven't been kind to me. They have always treated me as an outcast/flat-out ignored me entirely. I am quite literally isolated because of this.
7. The world right now in general just seems to be getting worse with no signs of getting better.
8. I feel like I have seen and experienced enough in this world. I don't want to experience anything else.
9. I always feel tired from restless sleep. I get constant nightmares/weird dreams when I sleep, and I frequently wake up randomly.

 

[snowyyy]

Exactly as it says. What's your 13 reasons why? (Let's make it 13, just 'cause. I haven't watched the show, though, lol.) I'll start.

Gendarme's Thirteen Reasons Why (In No Particular Order of Importance)

1. Empty feelings and constantly feeling isolated and starkly different from everyone. I could be in a room, sympathize with people, but never "fit in." I'm not the best of personalities. I'm a people-pleaser — I know that much. But even if I'm disagreeable, no one likes me, which brings me to point number...
2. Nobody loves me anyway. If we're talking about 'true love' there's this popular song in my country titled "Pag-Ibig ay Kanibalismo" (Love is Cannibalism) and it talks about how visceral and how brutal and how raw true love actually is. Ergo, you have to sacrifice something to love, and in turn that person loves you unconditionally. I have never met a person like that, whose heart I feasted on and whose love I ate as much as they ate my flesh. Additionally...
3. All my closest friends have either abandoned me or are slowly fading away. So the closest I can get to that visceral, raw love is nothing. It's a nothing burger with a nothing patty. My crush and close friend Clem left me some two years ago, and my dear best friend Rose left me after he did. And me and my friend Sof, we're drifting apart. I can never heal from that nor find any people as intimate I can be with as I could be with them.
4. I have no will to fight. I'm a coward. I'm a desperate loser barking for attention and begging to be euthanized. Death is the only thing keeping me happy and self-harm is once again reinvigorating me. I remember now how it feels to have blood dripping on my skin, like pools of it, and how good it feels to hurt myself because it means I'm in control; I don't want others to hurt me, so I do it myself.
5. I have an "immense soul," "an intelligent mind," and a "handsome face," but all of that matters little when faced with the fact that I'm not happy. The purpose of life is happiness and leisure and progress, but here we all are, desk-ridden, office workers with cactus butt plugs in our asses working ourselves to death while the rich get richer. This future I don't want to continue. I want happiness. I want salvation.
6. I'm not perfect. I've sinned so many times and the accumulated effects of pain and trauma and constant, negative change in my body have made me feel like I'm just wearing decomposing skin and I want to take it off and wear a new one. Body horror in the superficial level, a bit of dysmorphia here and there. I want to wash myself of my sins and wear a new skin and wear a new face. Move far away.
7. I want to end it because I feel stuck. When we get down to the bare reason why I want to catch the bus is because I just want change. That one quote, "the abolition of the present state of things." I want that, along with the guarantee of improvement. I want that, for everyone also, but nobody's willing to fight for it and the few that do are so out-organized and so few, truly. I want to abolish the present and live in the truest, fullest potential the future can bring.
8. Because I'm so misunderstood, even if I don't want to be. People always blame me, nobody asks about my side so I stay quiet and hushed while they make stories about me behind my back. This is that cowardice again. Some of it's my fault but some of it is not. There are genuinely complicated situations in which I didn't do shit but still get blamed anyway because of Occam's razor. Everyone hates me, and I hate everyone.
9. Even if I dream bright, which I always do, and hope for a better future, deep down, I know that that shit's impossible. I see no hope for this planet. World leaders are butt-fucking each other and here we all are breathing in their gas. There is no way in hell any change will happen so long as we live subdued under the comfort of attention-depriving reels and media videos and TikToks and all that shit. I doubt the next generation will even be able to read.
10. I've just decided this, for a long time now. I know this is my fate. I'm a sickly child with asthma who picked up smoking as a side-hobby. I'm do alcohol on the side and I've been on prescription meds since I was 17. Does that sound like a motherfucker who can live up until 120 and still be able to shit on his own? I'll let you decide, but my most rational estimate is that, because I can't even withstand these 19 years of existence, then how the FUCK do I even get to another decade past that, hm?
11. Because I'm in constant, chronic fyucking pain awlll the fucking time. If it's not my hips, it's my head, then my pelvis, then oo-goo-gaga wherever the fuck else my piece of shit twink body decides to hurt. If not physically, too, then mentally. If I'm not having a breakdown, I'm having an episode of reckless rage, and if not that, then I'm constantly feeling empty inside. And that last bit is actually the best feeling, because when I feel empty, at least I don't experience the past abuse, bullying, sexual harassment, trauma, and the 10,000 reasons why I hate my family. Speaking of...
12. I hate my family, and my family hates me. I have no traditional virtue to attach to: I find church cultish, I find school to be too fucking lousy at actually educating even though I'm class valedictorian for like a few years now, and more. My sister vents out all her frustrations at me. My entire family has cordial relations and I'm the black sheep. And for fuck's sake, I live in this house too, all the time, I see their faces, they see mine. The Tagalog term for house is 'Tahanan' (Ta as in Tarrega, Ha as in have, Nan as in Naan bread). It means "place for calming down." Guess fucking what, it's opposite for me, and what a big surprise that is, lemme tell ya.
13. I just can't afford living like this. Continuous suffering. Day and night, ceaseless. If I could get one break, fuck would that be the perfect prelude to the most perfect suicide. But again, even that's a luxury that is barred from me. The simplest things break me down. I want a whole restart, a fresh change. I want to stop feeling like an animal and a prostitute and more like a dignified human. I want to make decisions on my own and not be belittled by my mother all the time. I want freedom and independence. But all my dreams are, again, so much, but for nothing. My passions, my talents. For fuck's sake my guitar skills are conservatory-level, my writing is publishing-level, and I bet I can get slated for a top-Univ slot in my country soon. But again, alas. All for nothing. Because, I know, even then, that I would not be happy. And that's the root cause of why I want to just stop walking the way life points me to and just sit down and wait for the bus.

Thanks for reading if you've read this far. I'm curious to know other people's reasons. Please, speak your mind, fellow SaSu members.

With love, Gendarme

sorry about the things you mentioned, im hugging you tight, i hope you find peace soon

so theres my 13 reasons why
1.
i completely don't fit into human society, i stand out from the rest and i can't live among others. i feel uncomfortable, im strange, i don't accept the current system and i don't want to live for a job. i simply don't like all this and i have no intention of living just to survive until I die.

2.
my past haunts me. all the things people did to me have damaged my brain since i was a small child. i was abused as a child by my family and kids. i had to raise myself and didn't feel my parents presence. my peers and friends also had a negative influence on my development, i was rejected, insulted, left. all alone. i had panic attacks at a young age, my nervous system is constantly in fight-or-flight mode. i haven't been able to find peace since i was born.

3.
not only am i suffering mentally, but physically as well. i have a lot of ailments, from top to bottom, especially in my head (yeah). the worst are my stomach and knees. unfortunately, i'm a woman i get my period every month and i have terrible pain, so much so that each time i had to go to the hospital and they gave me morphine because i was dying from the pain. (the sick is calling endometriosis). sometimes i even vomit because it hurts so much. i can't eat, i have a fever. its like a million needles are being stuck in my stomach. I can't get out of bed for a week. my knees are in a terrible condition and i've been suffering for 10 years. i can't bend them, i can't squat, they creak like an old grandma's. i can't do any activity because it hurts. my knees are also associated with muscle inflammation and overall i have inflammation throughout my body, my metabolism and hormones are not working properly. i feel bad and i don't intend to live with this until im old because i'll probably end up in a wheelchair anyway, so what's the point of living with a disability?


4.
im stupid, i've become stupid because of my mental state and the trauma my brain has sustained over the years. instead of learning in school, i suffered at home. i know nothing, i barely graduated (my family never helped me, they even dragged me down, saying that why am i studying, i will fail anyway, thanks). i'm not cut out for either college or work. no one would hire me. there is no place for me in this system, and i wouldn't even want to.


5.
social anxiety. i can't build relationships with people or talk to them. and it's human contact that's most important in this world. and I can't do that. i can't even look someone in the eye because they automatically run away from me, even when i try, i feel them running away with all their might in the other direction. i'm so confused, i can't form sentences, everything gets tangled up in me that I want to cry and run away. i'm afraid of people, i'm afraid that someone will look at me and judge me badly or hurt me or say something terrible. i can't maintain a normal relationship because i can't draw anything from it because my life revolves around ctb and how cruel the world is. i don't see happiness in anything, i would drag anyone down.

6.
my looks. it's true that appearance is the most important thing and no one will tell me that personality is more important. You can be funny, but ugly and no one will want you. that's why I struggle with huge facial and body dysmorphia, there are moments when I don't recognize myself in the mirror. i look different every day, there are moments when I have a mental breakdown and want to rip this skin off my face and never look at it again. i hate this face, i have terrible genes and i look disgusting, i don't like anything about me. i was sinned by my parents. i'm ashamed to go outside because everyone looks at me and judges me negatively. i see their eyes. they're full of disgust. i don't want anyone to ever boost their ego thanks to me again.
i hate my body too, it stores more fat than muscle, even though i have a normal weight, i look like a whale, i have huge thighs and a belly. eating disorders are killing me. when I see someone skinny, i want to die. especially a skinny boy.

7.
life is fucking boring. there's nothing interesting to do here, everything is just shallow and meaningless to me. i don't want to live for a few seconds for joy, as i'll be back to the same place i am mentally anyway. so it won't change anything. i'm bored, i don't even feel like making food, it doesn't give me any pleasure, meeting friends, traveling for example, or doing other activities make no sense to me and do not bring anything to my life. just fucking knowing how hopeless i am. i know that all this under the guise of "hobby" is nothing more than ways of coping with the gray reality that surrounds us. why do you think others tell you to find something to do when you're sad? YEAH. i got through it and nothing makes me happy anymore.

8.
just being human is overwhelming me. like i was born without my own consent and now i have to accept and live it all and i can't leave because others are forcing me to live? this is fucking disgusting and cruel. i'm a big walking naked pile of meat controlled by some jelly in my head with connections. i feel fucking uncomfortable. and on top of that, this jelly-like shit is still tormenting me, fueling my bad and sad thoughts. euthanasia should be legal, of course, after all the stages have been completed and under medical supervision, but it should be. because if you have the right to life, you should have the right to leave this fucking planet. and now i have to feed this fucking body every day to survive, exercise and i don't know what else just to be healthy and not feel bad? i don't want to. it costs so much energy that i don't want to care about it.


9.
everything around us is cruel. i swear, i can't stand it when i see some idiot mistreating an animal. i'd gladly do the same to him for the rest of his life. the fact that he thinks he's the most intelligent animal there it doesn't mean you have to outweigh the weaker. it hurts me, it fucking hurts me that so many innocent lives, both humans and animals, had to go through this suffering. i am afraid and terrified of people, they are smarter, they have the advantage and they can do terrible things in this world and i never want to witness such events again. it's so devastating to me, i wish this world would disappear so that there would be no more suffering and pain.

i would have other reasons but my head hurts while writing this i feel a little relieved, maybe someone else agrees with some of the reasons. generally i don't like life on earth, i don't like the fact that i have consciousness and exist. It's really tiring for me, i feel like this existence is my punishment. i'd like to feel nothing and just turn off, turn into dust and grind.

 

[Alexandra_]

I finished watching this series last week ;)
All the reasons why. Not a single reason why not

 

[fkyou]

I relate to number 13

 

[UserFromNowhere]

I read the book a few weeks ago and I think it's honestly pretty good. Would probably recommend it over the TV show, especially since the book is rather self-contained whereas the TV show drags on the plot for multiple seasons for the sake of producing more, but I've also never actually seen the TV show.

Wouldn't say I have thirteen reasons. There are a couple of reasons such as the fact that I'll always experience the depression, pain, and suicidal ideation no matter how well I'm doing. That no matter how many people I care for and that care for me, I'll still feel empty and lonely, and I've never been able to nor can see myself at present in the future. I make plans for a future that I don't see actually happening, even if that is what ends up playing out, just to tell other people that I do have a plan. I'm not even sure if the medication helps much anymore insofar as just numbs the pain so I don't end up driving myself off the edge. I don't know if I'd be doing as well as I have been if it weren't for the medication, but I'm not sure it's giving me direction, just keeping me trapped in an existence that I'm ambivalent on at best. I actually relate to Hannah in that no matter how well my outside life seems to be going, internally I'm pretty self-destructive and that does effect my relationships and plans for the future. I remember reading through the book and just experiencing too much connection with her even though our circumstances were different

Spoiler: Spoilers for the book

(e.g. I'm not being stalked, sexually assaulted, or harassed/made fun of)

because of the common desire for death.

 

[mold]

I'll give it a try, though I don't know if I can make it to 13, we'll see!

1. My mental illnesses that all feed off of each other making it near impossible for professionals to treat properly, and most medication doesn't work. If I listed each one it would probably make up more than half of the 13 reasons, lol. So for now I'll just consolidate it into one.
2. The person I wanted to propose and spend the rest of my life with decided I was too "unhealthy" because of my depression, left, and replaced me with someone who he knows bullied and harassed me for ages.
3. I'm a high school drop out, and even though I have a diploma and going to uni now, I'm really bad at school, but society makes it hard for people like me to "get ahead".
4. I'm constantly being compared to my "more talented" peers.
5. I feel like life in general has no purpose
6. I have had many surgeries in my life, and one of them was "botched" (the surgeon did a good job, but there's a low chance of complications and I got every single possible complication) and I live in permanent discomfort and pain. The country I live in currently does not do revisions for this surgery, or do this surgery in general, and I can't afford to go to a country that can currently.
7. I struggle to work and make money due to my mental illnesses, but they aren't recognized as disabilities so I have to work without help from the government.
8. I was assaulted as a teenager, and still haven't mentally recovered from that.
9. I feel chronically lonely if I'm not with/talking to somebody 24/7. It makes me feel overly needy.
10. I've been through a lot of unbearable physical and mental pain, so I know I can tolerate most ways of CTB.

That's all I could think of for now. Maybe I'll add more later as I think of them.