Venting What's the use?

[kovu]

I just fail to see the point. It feels like it's constantly going up and down - I'll feel good for a while, pick up my hobbies again, work out, try to eat more healthy, and not think about suicide nonstop. I'll even feel silly, why throw it all away, right? Like it doesn't even make sense. And then it goes down, I let the gym slide, eat whatever, have no interest in anything at all, harm myself and laugh at myself, how could I ever think that it wouldn't end in suicide sooner or later?

In the end, I'm kind of stuck. I don't get anything done, even in the up-phases I just know that it won't last. So why prolong it?

It doesn't even matter, does it? If I decide to keep writing as an example, my life will go a certain way and if I decide to go with something else, the me that chose to writing won't exist. Now why let any one of those countless versions of me exist? Only one out of billions of versions of me can exist and it wouldn't if I'd ever chosen something different, so what does that single version matter? It wouldn't even exists if it hadn't been for past choices. I wouldn't be the me I am right now if I'd decided to play Apex instead of FFXIV earlier. I wouldn't have met someone in FFXIV with whom I haven't talked in a quite a while. I wouldn't be up right now, writing this nonsensical post. I would be sleeping after some lost matches, being a different version. I don't know if what I'm trying to say is understandable. But that other version, it doesn't have any worth, and neither does the one I am right now.

I mean, I suppose you have to make it matter, to give it worth. But I just can't, I haven't been able to do that for years now and I'm just 18. I don't see this getting any better. My whole life's been a huge disappointment and my death will follow that theme. I'm sorry if you wasted your time reading this.
Good night.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i relate to everything you just said. My theory of the alternate versions of myself: humans can do anything to get what they want. You can practically lie your way into everything. But why even bother? The whole world, everything revolves around money. If you have money, you need to pay more, therefore you struggle to pay the bills, which leads you to work more, which leads you to pay more. Why should we pay for the bare minimum? It infuriates me, but shows me the true colors of the world all the same.

Everything that we do, say, hear, see, has a massive influence on us. I keep thinking: what would be happened if I took a different route? Just like you said with Apex and FFIX. There are a million outcomes, and maybe I would've not ende up on this site if I didn't look up ways to kill myself. But maybe I would even if I didn't look it up that day. I believe every life has a few fatal points, and between those destinations you can fill it in yourself. Maybe I was meant to hit the lowest point in my life at such a young age (im 18 too), but it could've been for another reason. I don't know if that makes sense.

And i suppose you do have to make it matter. But intelligence can be a bitch. It shows you the true meaning behind everything: it doesn't fucking matter.

I did not waste my time reading this. Eventho we both have fucked up views on the world and everything else, it mattered for me to read your post. It gave me some comfort, and I hope my answer can give you some too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally see no point to living, we only exist for the sake of existing and nothing really matters, things cannot matter to us eventually as someday we will all be gone. I'm sorry that you suffer. I know that it is dreadful when things seem so hopeless. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, and I hope that you find what you are looking for.