what event in your life still fucks with you to this day?

[hopelessdreams]

we all have that one (or multiple) event(s) that we can't get out of our heads for some reason. it could be the reason you're suicidal or just a minor event in your childhood.

when my mom found out about my first suicide attempt, she cried. but she didn't cry because i wanted to take my own life. she cried because she was worried about all the problems i would cause her and her new family. that moment truly showed me in what kind of a family i live. that still haunts me to this day.

what's yours?

 

[FindingTheEnd]

i think it's the moment i was born

 

[DAMN.]

A girl said that I was the most likely to commit suicide in a group of people. It was true, but it messed with me how she said that and just thought it was a joke or didn't care.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

My dad dying of cancer. I feel a lot of guilt about what he went through, the what ifs etc. There was stuff we should've done and we didn't, hell there was stuff the Drs should've done (or shouldn't). Now medical stuff just freaks me out and gives me anxiety. It was just a horrible time and went on far too long.

If I found a way to block out some of the memories I'd stick around, it's so hard to live with. Everyone tells me it's not possible to forget memories but I'm gonna try before I do anything else. They are ruining my life.

Part of me thinks it's better to end your life the way you want (hopefully quickly and painlessly) than wait and die like my dad did because that was terrible although I suppose given that situation he could've had euthanasia. It would've been better if he had I hate how long it takes people to die and how life is thought of as sacred even if you are half-dead with no quality of life you have to be saved instead of peacefully let go...

 

[FuneralCry]

I have many horrible memories of the past, but to me it is better to try to forget. Remembering can be painful. I am just bothered by the fact that I am still alive and it hurts me simply just existing. I see life as being so awful, and all I want is to be free from this existence. Being alive is extremely pointless and I take comfort from the fact that all my problems will die with me.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I get ya, there is SO much comfort in that. If that's the only way I can be free of these memories then that's what I'll do. When they say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" it's such BS-these memories will live with me forever, they may slowly fade in time but it'll take years and I'm not prepared to live in misery all that time in the hope that 20 years from now the memories and how they make me feel might have faded. My problems aren't temporary, not at all.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i think it's the moment i was born

also born in a fucked up and toxic family huh? same.

A girl said that I was the most likely to commit suicide in a group of people. It was true, but it messed with me how she said that and just thought it was a joke or didn't care.

that is… simply fucked up.. i can't believe someone actually said that to you? if only she knew the weight those words carry

 

[FindingTheEnd]

also born in a fucked up and toxic family huh? same.

no, not at all. My family might has been the greatest point in all of this. However life still fucked me from the very beginning for whole other reasons. I guess that no matter where you come from, who you are, when you are doomed you are doomed, right?

 

[hopelessdreams]

My dad dying of cancer. I feel a lot of guilt about what he went through, the what ifs etc. There was stuff we should've done and we didn't, hell there was stuff the Drs should've done (or shouldn't). Now medical stuff just freaks me out and gives me anxiety. It was just a horrible time and went on far too long.

If I found a way to block out some of the memories I'd stick around, it's so hard to live with. Everyone tells me it's not possible to forget memories but I'm gonna try before I do anything else. They are ruining my life.

Part of me thinks it's better to end your life the way you want (hopefully quickly and painlessly) than wait and die like my dad did because that was terrible although I suppose given that situation he could've had euthanasia. It would've been better if he had I hate how long it takes people to die and how life is thought of as sacred even if you are half-dead with no quality of life you have to be saved instead of peacefully let go...

i'm really sorry for your loss. cancer is one of the most horrible ways to die. i can't imagine the pain you and your family felt, having to watch a loved one die without being able to do anything. the what ifs are haunting. but the truth is: cancer is very hard to beat. if i would be on my death bed i'd rather skip all the medical stuff that'll leave me suffering for longer, and just enjoy my last moments. i hope your dad is getting some rest right now.

no, not at all. My family might has been the greatest point in all of this. However life still fucked me from the very beginning for whole other reasons. I guess that no matter where you come from, who you are, when you are doomed you are doomed, right?

yeah, totally get it. problems don't differentiate in age, sex, family situation, or anything of that matter.

 

[mojabaka]

getting the "vaccine".

 

[hopelessdreams]

I have many horrible memories of the past, but to me it is better to try to forget. Remembering can be painful. I am just bothered by the fact that I am still alive and it hurts me simply just existing. I see life as being so awful, and all I want is to be free from this existence. Being alive is extremely pointless and I take comfort from the fact that all my problems will die with me.

remembering traumatic experiences can be so painful that the brain hides it on purpose. i don't remember anything t my childhood up until age eight or nine. i'm thinking my brain has stored all that away.

I get ya, there is SO much comfort in that. If that's the only way I can be free of these memories then that's what I'll do. When they say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" it's such BS-these memories will live with me forever, they may slowly fade in time but it'll take years and I'm not prepared to live in misery all that time in the hope that 20 years from now the memories and how they make me feel might have faded. My problems aren't temporary, not at all.

it's fucked up we have to get help to live with the memories other people have created for us.

getting the "vaccine".

what happened if i may ask?

 

[Marine]

My entire abused and denied non life culminating with my absolute existential annihilation by my sociopathic ex (first love) and every subsequent abandonment and rejection furthering it into a hellish black void of death.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

i'm really sorry for your loss. cancer is one of the most horrible ways to die. i can't imagine the pain you and your family felt, having to watch a loved one die without being able to do anything. the what ifs are haunting. but the truth is: cancer is very hard to beat. if i would be on my death bed i'd rather skip all the medical stuff that'll leave me suffering for longer, and just enjoy my last moments. i hope your dad is getting some rest right now.

Thanks. He probably would've survived if he'd had a certain operation (which I probably could've talked him into although I was like 15 at the time) so there is a lot of guilt for that reason. He did not have a great Dr who you could really ask things to either, another Dr and who knows. So many what ifs could've changed the course of his and my life.

I had such a good family and I feel guilty cos I know I was lucky and others on here didn't get that but watching them suffer and die makes it all the more harder when you were close. I just wanna forget all the bad stuff they have all gone through cos it's too tragic.

 

[Foresight]

Fuck, that's hard. I somehow got fortunate with a loving mother so I can't imagine.

For me there's been too many to count and I'm too traumatized to speak about it anymore. My life has been so bad. I honestly underestimate it most of the time. I have the type of stories that are better left unsaid.

 

[FailureGirl]

The day before my nana died (the last time I saw her) she wanted us to stay but we didn't because my sister didn't want to pay for hospital parking. I feel guilty every single time I think about it, it's been over 10 years now and I still feel guilty about it.

Theres also the 2 times my ex SA'd me i still have flash backs and panic attacks after 6 years.

 

[NotHuman]

My earliest memory in life is from when I was 5. During a soccer game I could only stand aside bewildered and overwhelmed watching as my peers all piled up on top of each other trying to kick the ball. The teacher was telling me to get in there, but I had no idea how I could fit into the equation.

It's the perfect description of my entire life. I've watched my peers all grow up still fighting furiously over that ball while I remain that 5-year-old boy just staring confused.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

Things that happened when I was in the following ages: 13, 14, 16, 21 and 24.

 

[jamie_]

being abandoned by the person i and my family were convinced was a keeper

 

[hopelessdreams]

Thanks. He probably would've survived if he'd had a certain operation (which I probably could've talked him into although I was like 15 at the time) so there is a lot of guilt for that reason. He did not have a great Dr who you could really ask things to either, another Dr and who knows. So many what ifs could've changed the course of his and my life.

I had such a good family and I feel guilty cos I know I was lucky and others on here didn't get that but watching them suffer and die makes it all the more harder when you were close. I just wanna forget all the bad stuff they have all gone through cos it's too tragic.

that's really rough, especially since you've experienced this since you were so young. if it gives you any comfort, i've had to sit and watch through my family's problems too. when the memories come back, it's almost too painful to remember. life has its ups and downs, but sometimes it feels like the highest of the highest moments never last as long as the lowest of lowest.

Fuck, that's hard. I somehow got fortunate with a loving mother so I can't imagine.

For me there's been too many to count and I'm too traumatized to speak about it anymore. My life has been so bad. I honestly underestimate it most of the time. I have the type of stories that are better left unsaid.

you saying it's painful to speak about says more then you explaining all the stories. i have nothing better to say then i'm sorry. humans deal with a lot of shit through their life, some more then others. and then you're left with your coping mechanisms to deal with it. if you have some healthy ones, you'll get through it in one piece, but not everyone has those. we unfortunately destroy ourselves before more catastrophy can hit us so that nothing can hurt us more then we've already hurt ourselves.

The day before my nana died (the last time I saw her) she wanted us to stay but we didn't because my sister didn't want to pay for hospital parking. I feel guilty every single time I think about it, it's been over 10 years now and I still feel guilty about it.

Theres also the 2 times my ex SA'd me i still have flash backs and panic attacks after 6 years.

you not being able to stay with your nana is not your fault as far as i know, because your sister didn't want to pay for parking. either way, you couldn't have seen that coming. humans are often in denial about a situation and downplay it until it's too late to do something. it's not your fault, i'm sorry you feel guilty for that.

sexual assault is tragic. i'm sorry once again, i have nothing better to say. putting your trust in a person can backfire really bad

My earliest memory in life is from when I was 5. During a soccer game I could only stand aside bewildered and overwhelmed watching as my peers all piled up on top of each other trying to kick the ball. The teacher was telling me to get in there, but I had no idea how I could fit into the equation.

It's the perfect description of my entire life. I've watched my peers all grow up still fighting furiously over that ball while I remain that 5-year-old boy just staring confused.

the chaos of life is hard to understand when you're watching at the sideline. same goes for work life. if you're consumed by it, you're in the midst of the fight. but when you stand still and look at what everyone doing, you're left confused as to why we do it. we're a creature of habit i guess.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Botched plastic surgery. It traumatized me beyond belief.

 

[BEATNGU]

Missing nine years due to amnesia and having figuring out how much had changed and what remained.

 

[Γyuk]

Botched plastic surgery. It traumatized me beyond belief.

I'm in the same situation :( you constantly want to go back in time before it all happened…

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I'm in the same situation :( you constantly want to go back in time before it all happened…

How long since your surgery?

 

[waiting4thenextbus]

A motorbike accident that ruined both my legs. Many others but that one kinda stands out

 

[Γyuk]

How long since your surgery?

only 6 months so it's still fresh, but everything in my head changed since then... I've gotten quite suicidal but guess I have always had this in me from the start.
I no longer feel like my old self :( It's like i'm in a constant grief

How long ago was your surgery?

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

only 6 months so it's still fresh, but everything in my head changed since then... I've gotten quite suicidal but guess I have always had this in me from the start.
I no longer feel like my old self :( It's like i'm in a constant grief

How long ago was your surgery?

Mine was almost 3 years ago. Yes, grieving is the right word for what I feel. I still haven't accepted it fully.
But it got better comparing to 6 months mark. I went through a lot though, multiple suicide attempts, hospitalisation, feeling trapped in hell.
The worst thing that I became so dysfunctional that I sabotaged having a revision.
I hope it will get better for you. Best wishes.

 

[Γyuk]

Mine was almost 3 years ago. Yes, grieving is the right word for what I feel. I still haven't accepted it fully.
But it got better comparing to 6 months mark. I went through a lot though, multiple suicide attempts, hospitalisation, feeling trapped in hell.
The worst thing that I became so dysfunctional that I sabotaged having a revision.
I hope it will get better for you. Best wishes.

Thank you Kira, wish you all the best as well

 

[Viafactorum]

Missing many golden opportunities in life to grow as a person and possibly build up my future due to my incompetence. I made an honest effort in my initial years, but the failure crippled my confidence to the point where I was paralyzed to do anything in life. I became undisciplined and simply watched my life fall apart. Now I have been bailed out(that's a stretch) but I still haven't recovered from my past failures. I just know I will mess everything up all over again, and I don't want to live through my life mistakes all over again. I never really had any mentor figures in my life, kind of had to figure shit out through trial and error while my peers were carefully guided down the yellow brick road by their parents or other mentors who were successful in life. I feel like I was born to be miserable till the day I died. Truly living is the greatest torture of them all.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"

life itself is temporary so thats stupid logic by the people who say that.

 

[outatime_85]

I made too many mistakes.

I lack higher-level skills that would possibly allow me to recover faster, and add to that my inability to get hired for even the most menial jobs.

The inability to socialize as my social skills are near non-existent, which is most likely due to the amount of physical bullying I allowed in my youth.

When and if I socialize, it is through a mask, and behind that mask is a tired, depressed, and defeated individual still trying to come to terms with the way life has turned out.

Every day, I wake up knowing that unless I miraculously recover and turn my life around, I will continue my slow descent.