Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

My birthday just passed. My wish is to have someone actually help me plan out how I can CTB successfully. I don't think I can keep holding out for a happier future.

I've been feeling like this for fifteen years.

 

[Dejected 55]

I fixed a meal last night around 8pm to eat for the first time in the day. I ate a little of it, then went down a spiraling rabbit hole of sadness. I put the food in the refrigerator. I didn't eat anything else yesterday. I woke up today a few pounds lighter, feeling weak. My stomach is in knots. I had a dream about the love of my life who I do not have in my life. That hasn't happened in a while. I am still not hungry. I will probably have to throw that food away, and I hate wasting food... but right now I don't even know if I want to ever eat again. That's not how I planned to go... but maybe being weaker for the time when it comes will be of value somehow. I just want everything to hurry up and be over.

 

[darksouls]

my whole life was a senseless suffering

 

[Manaaja]

I have solved rape and pedophilia. Everyone is born without genitals, then the best are rewarded with genitals when they turn 25.

 

[PixelAngel]

I feel a profound sense of aloneness, isolation, insignificance. I am trapped in the middle of many painful feelings with nowhere for them to go. I've always felt like my heart slows down for a minute when I feel a wave of intense sadness, and have fantasized about the notion of a sadness hitting me hard enough that it just... stops. Would save me a lot of time and trouble.

 

[Lyn]

When shall I be free?
When I shall cease to be?

 

[Lullaby]

I am SO tired :( like literally, mentally and physically tired. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I also have chronic insomnia so there's zero chance I'll be able to even sleep tonight…again.

Just really over this and getting up everyday. The few people I have in my life don't even really care about me.

Can't forget someone on here harassing me; saying I'm a horrible person who deserves everything bad and what I'm going through, all because it took me a day to respond to them.

And to be honest, maybe it's true. I rarely experience anything good these days.

 

[12-hour Kitten]

Tired tired tired tired tired I don't wanna wake up I just wanna sleep forever and stop this fucking cycle I'm so tired

 

[Irisse]

How silly of me, to think that I can escape my fate if only I studied more... Turns out I'm too dumb for the career I want.
And I can't escape with SN either because I don't know how to buy it.

 

[CTB Dream]

v awfl lif all dtriort pain sffr nostp

 

[Dark Moon]

Pain and suffering because of life situation.

 

[Dejected 55]

I fixed a meal on Monday that I barely ate... I still was not hungry yesterday but I didn't want to waste the food so I re-heated and ate it. The food was not great after being in the refrigerator a day and re-heated. But I didn't waste it. That was all I ate yesterday... so over the course of the last two days, I basically ate one meal.

I haven't eaten anything today. I drank some water. I don't know how I feel about eating today. I don't feel hungry. There is not any food at the moment that will go to waste if I don't eat today. I'm not really trying to extend my life at this point. I might be hesitant to make my attempt still, but I'm not actively trying to live longer either.

I don't have a headache today. I don't feel nauseous today. I don't feel weak today. I don't feel energetic, though. I could easily go back to bed and just lay there staring at the ceiling. I sneak peaks out the window sometimes, into the outside world in front of my house. There is not much to see. There is never any real reason to think someone will visit or call by surprise or even message or anything. I am about as alone as a person can be in this day and age.

That part of me still wants to live... still wishes for a change, a miracle... but every other part of me knows this is foolish. Just like it has been foolish any time in my life that I had hope, had confidence, thought or tried something and believed even for a moment that something good could, might, or was about to happen.

I have very little to show for my life. I feel like I've had a lot to offer, that no one ever wants... and I die a little more each and every day. I am hoping that soon I will reach that tipping point where I have died enough inside to not resist dying the rest of the way completely and ending this misery.

 

[orangepanda]

I don't even know.
My relationship is on the verge of collapse.
When I met him, I had attempted to ctb and failed. He saved me after that. Rebuilt me. He was the first person to make me feel loved. But now I can see the hate in his eyes for me. 5 years on and I dont know how I have managed to turn that love into hate. I hate myself. But at the same time I dont think ive done anything wrong enough to cause this.
Why am I unlovable

 

[unicornblue]

That I'm tired of being a burden.
That I'm tired of being a burden.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Hmm I really don't know actually. I'm finally at that point where I can do whatever I want, when I want. In theory I can soon leave finally, but if I'm being a good person for my loved ones I will wait a little longer. I have been waiting this moment for this so long, I think I will start slowly checking I have everything ready. Also I'm gonna push away everyone else from my life, just leaving family members left.

 

[spooky_kxtty]

Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough
Absolutely lost and useless. Like everything and everyone would be better off with me gone. Like all I ever do is disappoint people and my best efforts won't ever be enough

 

[Irisse]

So apparently the advert for my local SN source will still be up for a month, which means I have another chance at acquiring it. That realization definitely improved my mood.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I feel like taking a literal bus, to get some simple snacks... maybe I should do a bit of research to find deals for sushi vs buying Sugar Cane Drink or similar, idk... the deadline for leaving is about 2 hours (to avoid peak hour, + peak hour rates)

Update: probably tomorrow, tho I should still do the checking for sushi deals or smth

 

[westerly_merlin]

i wish the panic would just go, and this nightmare would end

 

[EternalHunger]

Empty, just empty.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Feeling nice, relaxing in a little chat I coded.

Spoiler: pph thoughts (tw: ctb)

After reading the pph out of curiousity vs CTB wish... I think the Sarco is over-engineered, and an AI or psychiatric test for mental capability, doesn't really put the user in control if they fail the test. imo, just spilling the liquid nitro in a small space can cause hypoxia.

Either way, the free (assuming one has common supplies) methods like partial, night night, ole' noosey exist, and the 5 Last Acts describe free stuff vs PPH's mostly paid / slow (VSE/VSED is too slow imo) stuff.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I am SO tired :( like literally, mentally and physically tired. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I also have chronic insomnia so there's zero chance I'll be able to even sleep tonight…again.

Just really over this and getting up everyday. The few people I have in my life don't even really care about me.

Can't forget someone on here harassing me; saying I'm a horrible person who deserves everything bad and what I'm going through, all because it took me a day to respond to them.

And to be honest, maybe it's true. I rarely experience anything good these days.

crap, someone harrassed u here?

 

[paranoidpeasant]

Confused angry hopeful snackish Full tired energized sweaty gross itchy.

I've always felt too much.

 

[EmptyBottle]

ooo, reading snackish, I am reminded I am hungry. (edit: had salted peanuts)

I feel like I might have carelessly assisted CTB with some of my responses... genuinely hope I didn't tho, and it was mere theory. No idea if I wasn't on the forum... and others replied... would the self-deletions be higher, or lower.

 

[Dejected 55]

Sometimes I am almost zenlike now in acceptance of my fate. I don't know if this will translate into success when my time comes... but I'm trying to drop stress from what is left of my life. Bills I can't pay, people who ignore me, things I can't do, things I still have to do... there's no point in stressing about any of it because my plan is to not be here more than a few weeks and it will be hard for anything to really affect me immediately in that time.

I still can't relax. I've never been able to do that... I don't even know what that means in my head... but I'm trying to find peace of a sort with the last few weeks of life so that I have a head start on the peace I hope to find in death soon.

 

[westerly_merlin]

Feeling adrift and unloved. Home life is a mess and at work there are political games being played at a senior level and they are ripping into me area. I am not good and reading situations where people are sabotaging others for thier own reasons.

I feel lost and overwhelmed

 

[BlendedHeart]

I use to pass the time doing things until it was time to sleep, but that isn't working anymore. Time is going slower somehow. Loneliness and pain are getting more intense.

Wish I could sleep forever.

 

[Quietist]

Relieved that my dad did not bring B. over here tonight. So at least we have some semblance of peace.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Feeling adrift and unloved. Home life is a mess and at work there are political games being played at a senior level and they are ripping into me area. I am not good and reading situations where people are sabotaging others for thier own reasons.

I feel lost and overwhelmed

People shouldn't be sabotaging others in a workplace, and I think most people might find it hard to read the most cunning saboteurs.

I wonder if one might consider changing over to a different workplace.

 

[westerly_merlin]

People shouldn't be sabotaging others in a workplace, and I think most people might find it hard to read the most cunning saboteurs.

I wonder if one might consider changing over to a different workplace.

Easier said than done at my age. I am 58 and not sure if I am ready to up sticks and start again.

Plus in my past I have worked at some really toxic companies that encourage that sort of behaviour as they think it encourages employees to perform better.

Where I am things are not as bad as most other companies, i am probably better off sticking it out for the time being in the hope that things get better.